Life Comes Full Circle

For some reason Collin's mannerisms and behaviors make me absolutely laugh out loud on a regular basis. We have a group text in our family where we share pictures...Between the mischievious looks on Collin's face and his tuft of hair that sticks straight up, he keeps us all in stitches.

There is a striking resemblance here!

A homemade card from Gma Shirley (my Mom)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Chase's fav growing up) Smash Cake made by Gma April

As much as i laugh at this child, he can also bring me to tears...happy tears, grateful tears. 

Looking up at Uncle Tandin

Sharing with Uncle T.J.

Father & Son

 

Today when I gave Collin his first Oreo cookie my mind raced back to the day that Chase had his first Oreo cookie. The day we nearly lost him. I took Chase to the bathtub to clean him up, i turned on the water, and the phone rang. It was a business phone call and i completely forgot that Chase was in the tub with the water running. The horror did not hit me until i hung up the phone. I ran to the bathroom and found him floating face down in the tub, completely lifeless and blue. I pulled him out and frantically screamed for help all the way to the neighbors house with his limp body slumped over in my arms. My good neighbor Dave was home and told me to call 911. When 911 answered i screamed, "my child has drowned, help me, HELP ME!" The dispatcher, Karen, calmly proceeded to talk me though CPR, and Chase regained consciousness. We spent the night in the hospital for observation and miraculously Chase suffered no brain damage. 

I tell this story with horrible shame for my stupidity and neglect. Losing Chase would have devastated so many lives. Chase's life was preserved for a reason..and Collin is the reason. 

Chase and i have had many confirming moments as to the incomprehensible love and bond that you have for your children. Life is precious. Family is eternal. This life can be so hard at times. And then the sweetest simplest tender moments emerge, and you see that, as i have said so many times...life comes full circle...

Thank you to all the boys in my life, T.J., Chase, Tandin and Collin. You make my life worth living.

It's Right Around the Corner

Earlier this week I rode my bike to class and I snapped this picture. How beautiful--life in motion, as simple as it may be: to walk, to learn, to live.

This is the path I take as I ride my bike home from class in the evening hours, how enlightening, how perfect.

And today, the intention of the crowd, to experience "the game." They accept the idea that win or lose...this will be fun! Losing sucks but it IS part of the game.

My 3 boys are at the stadium enjoying a football game after some tailgating activity, 2 dogs are at my feet and I have plenty of studying and homework ahead.

This the the beautiful stadium across the street from where I live, and yes, love is always right around the corner, sometimes you just have to look really hard.

Surrender to what IS! Examination

Today begins the end of a long journey. 26 years ago in August 1987 we opened our first salon inside of my very good friend, Ryne Hazen's photo studio.  We hosted fashion shows and hair shows, held meetings, gave presentations...and performed hundreds of makeovers.

Ogden Phazes in the 1990's

Hair Show in the Ogden City Mall, 1990's

Christmas Motivational Staff Meeting, 1990's!

I had many a tears in my office, countless giggles, and some double-over belly laughs! I made lifelong friends, no enemies to my knowledge, and now tuck away all these memories, and return to exactly where I started. Spring to Summer to FAll, but WHere??

How blessed I have been to have all these life lessons; packaged up into more phazes than I can count. My 20's, egotistical and full of myself. My 30's, prospering, playing, raising boys, and searching for my place in the world, and my 40s, harsh realities, looking myself in the mirror, and asking the ever elusive question... Who AM I? and What do I want??? For some, their path is set, they never question or veer from what is before them. I admire and respect that. I also have love and respect for myself, for seeking my truth, and my path.

My life with family and business has always been intertwined. My family has supported me, and believed in me. They stood by me when they disagreed; they loved me when I failed, and they rejoiced when I succeeded.

I remember a conversation I had with my father, he said, "it's important that I am successful in life." What does that mean??...and now in the twighlights of their lives...I know what success is...for our family!

Dying in peace, Forgiving forgetting and forging forward. Loving without conditions; and  

Surrendering to  what IS!!

10 days from now I will begin my senior year at the University of Utah, living with my two youngest boys; our two dogs, Zion and PAC; and begin or rather complete another journey started many years ago.

All things come Full circle. Three and a half years ago, and 25 years before that, I started college and did not finish school, but started a business-- Phazes became my focus for a time, and my focus changes once again.

Look at your life and examine it, take little account as to whether your journey gave you an A of an F (I have had both). And then choose to LIVE, Joyfully and Authentically! It is your choice. Always.~

Examination 

Remember...

 

The light will come...

Be Happy!

Weeds & Basics of Life

These are desperate-low-budget sugar-craving-last-resort cookies. I grew up on them, and they are great milk-dunkers; and you can fix them in a flash. I may polish off the whole plate...and if i do I won't punish myself like i have in days gone by.

I am now better at recognizing good guilt--knowing you can do better for yourself, i.e., recognizing your SDB's (self destructive behavior), and bad guilt--holding yourself to some unattainable expectation. It certainly is easy to get lost in the pursuit of happiness substitutes. I suppose we are all working on the same things, to feel good, or better than...(whatever we measure something against)???

Regrets? Sure I have a few. I seem to be sitting right smack dab in the middle of raised children and witnessing my parents getting older, even my invincible dad getting  cancer. It makes you think a bit. When I talk to Dad now it's open dialogue, nothing is held back, everything is precious, serious talks, laughter and an occasional tear or two. We usually stick to laughter, oh the laughter and teasing, it's the best medicine...

I don't believe anyone ever woke up one day and said "today is the day I'm determined to do something I'm going to regret!" It seems stupid, yet we punish, ruminate, and try to find some type of explanation or blame for dumb or hurtful things that are in the past.

My awareness with each year hopefully improves? These are the life lessons...and we either get it or we don't.

Happiness becomes a choice, and the journey isn't over till it's over. Life lessons come  full circle and are always  poignant when willing to learn.

One of my favorite movies is about C.S. Lewis' life, called Shadowlands. He profoundly quoted, "pain is part of the deal."  Pain teaches us to embrace each relationship and its special meaning in our lives.

No regrets... Each day is a blessing, of beautiful wildflowers 

and weeds. 

If we look we can find plenty of beauty in weeds too.

Cancer & Friendships

I have been spending some time this last week at the hospital with a dear friend whose husband has cancer. She was my dance teacher when I was a teenager and our families have been intertwining ever since. Her husband and my father have been trekking to Idaho for holistic treatments and it has improved the quality of both of their lives, and the bonus, a beautiful friendship between Dad and Jerry was formed.

We have had tender, straightforward and poignant talks of death amongst several of us, both at my visits to the hospital and my conversations with my own family as I brought back reports of Jerry and the families circumstances. Each day brought about new emotions of either progress or setbacks, as only this type of life altering situation does.

I copied this quote Dixie had tucked in her purse in my favorite little book "Stillness Speaks"...

"I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

 ---William Allen White

This past six months and past week has taught me immense, HUGE life lessons...I do not fear death...in any respect...I mourn the idea, the very fact that I know, but can fully embrace the fact that my father, my brother who already passed away tragically nearly 18 years ago, and all whom i love WiLL die. I have shamefully begged to die many times in my life; whether that be because of my mood disorder or my situations, it does not matter. I am over that now because what I know NOW is that I TRUST; I fear no more. This life is meant to live until we die. There is a time for everything, a time to suffer, a time to mourn, a time to learn, a time to teach and this life is meant to be happy, but happiness is a choice.

The question remains in the bravery of choosing happiness over being a victim.

I May Be Wrong, but I Doubt It!

Does rigidity, defensiveness or a closed mind hinder your relationships? Does it get in the way of your personal growth? I wonder about this. I have said this often about my family, “We would rather be RIGHT, than HAPPY!” Does this exist in You... or your family?

Dozer knows Chase is full of "Bull" sometimes!

Dr. Phil asked one of his guests on his show. “Do you want to be right or happy?” The gentleman quickly replied, “Can I be both?” My son Chase was watching and laughed and THEN, whole-heartily agreed with the gentleman! Chase thinks that is the way to live! Here is the problem you cannot be right all the time. Sorry.

Two "peas in a pod"

I bought a couple of shirts with the saying, “I may be wrong, but I doubt it.” I gave these t-shirts to special people in my life who seem to have a take charge, and-- I pretty much do everything right --attitude towards life. I love these people, yet they are sometimes difficult to have any type of discussion beyond what they believe is the way things are or “should” be. My oldest son T.J. is one of these beautiful people…did I raise him this way? In my observation it comes naturally, for this is in both his genetics and in his environment. T.J. and I are very much alike. 

I have found however that the more aware I have become of giving up wanting to be right, rather than sacrificing happiness, life has gotten EASIER and obviously much more joyful.

to be continued... ;)

Christmas Traditions and Change

Mom and Me at Cemetary

Some traditions live on…and some change. After Dave died we would gather around his grave on Christmas Eve and sing Christmas songs, shed tears, share stories, laugh through our tears and pray. That tradition changed a few years ago when the family got bigger and older.  Each of us still remember Dave through the holidays in our own way. I dropped off my wreath this year and was delighted to see he had been visited by many already. He is not one who is easily forgotten. He comes by a stature of command naturally through my dad’s lineage, (6 ft. 4, 230 lb.) so playing Santa was a natural and rather humorous affair for the adults who got to witness the event.

Back in the “olden days” when I was a kid there was no Santa costume and Grandma Allen bought red and white tissue paper for the children and we would create Santa on my dad which was fun, albeit certainly no mystique in the legend of Santa. Then one year investment in the whole Santa costume get up was made and the delight of Christmas parties was never the same! Year after year Dad plowed his body into that hot costume and HO-Ho'd his way with bells and a bound into all the family parties and a few others. I’m not sure who had more fun, the kids or Santa?!

Dave as Santa holding Richard

Dave watched Dad pour on the Santa charm and took over in his twenties. I’m not sure if the kids were smarter in the 80’s or if we were just so naive, but those kids were on to Santa Dave like nobodies business. Nevertheless it didn’t spoil any of the fun. Dave could lead our musically deficient family through a string of Christmas carols, and you better believe Dave never missed a word. Mom taught us all the classics.

From left to right:my Dad, Sherry (wanting to be Santa!), Santa Richard

In all honesty I don’t remember if Dad picked up during the interim when Dave was gone and Richard was too young to carry on the Santa tradition. Some years you are a little numb during the holidays. But we now have the tallest, skinniest, off the cuff Santa ever! Santa Richard, Dave’s son is carrying on the tradition with varoom! The children are a tad bit intimidated by his towering height but endeared to his loving disposition and enamored by his questions. As for the adults…tradition does live on…inside that Santa costume is a little bit of my big Dad and my big Brother. You can hear it in his voice, you can see it in the gestures and you definitely feel it in the love.

Tan Beyond His Years

I have 3 boys. Each unique. Each beautiful. I have a different and special relationship with each one. Yesterday I received a text from Tandin (I call him Tan). It read, "I just sent you an email. It might help you understand what I'm all about."
If you are the mother of a 19 year old boy who is going to college...does this intrigue you, excite you??? Just a bit!!! I open my email...I sit down for this one. As I look upon my email I am gazing at a beautifully designed tree type chart entitled--

"My Religion: This is Why I Do What I Do"

There is an explanation included. I quote some of what he sent:

"If we can learn to be selfless, happiness is easily attainable. Love conquers all. It is the journey that counts, not the destination. We don't remember dates, we remember moments." Tan lives this mantra, always has. He continues by saying,"Emotional feelings and relationships are most important. Tangible objects are of little value."

"Ignorance in not bliss. Knowledge is power."

And finally..."Treat other how you would like to be treated."

Tan is in his second year of engineering at the University of Utah, he is beyond his years, always has been.

After reading this all I could think was...Tandin is an amazing and special person and I am blessed to be his mother!! I have always known this and I weep with JOY...

Black Bottoms Up

They say, "You have to hit rock BOTTOM." Who are "They?" What is bottom? If we've hit it, will we know it? How many times will we hit it, just once, twice, seventy times seven? My son said this phrase recently...and I am afraid to say that yes, we do have to hit the bottom in life sometimes. How hard and how often, no one knows, and...I suppose it is all a matter of what life deals us and our perspective. Ahh, the old perspective thing again.

It matters NOT how many times we hit bottom really, for how can we compare ourselves with those who lived to tell about the holocaust, Vietnam, slavery, the depression? What matters is that we always get our bottoms back up. This is what makes the man or woman.

I wonder sometimes about the huge smiles that are on the faces of those who seem to have so little, yet find joy. I love that.

White Water Cool and Cleansing

I love the water but I am also afraid of it. I love change but I also resist it. I would say that this is characteristic of most people? Yes? I needed a change from the garish colors I hastily chose in my inexperience and excitement to begin blogging nearly a year ago (purple, green & hot pink, EWE). This template background was another quick choice and...I quite like it...a LIGHT HOUSE, with SHADES OF GREY as a backdrop.

If I had my choice I would always spend time in the mountains before the ocean, however the symbolism of a light house means something to me at this phase of life.

Happiness never comes from outside of us. We "should" (HA) know we are responsible for our own happiness. I sometimes think we expect our spouses, or our children, or our parents to make us happy. We even shift this responsibility of pseudo happiness onto friends and maybe even partying at times. We put off being happy until this happens or that happens. Until I get this job, this house, lose this much weight. I also think that we practice and then master how to be what we are not. Why do we do this? I have seen so many motivations, reasons and fears played out, why, because I think I have done them all!

A lighthouse is strong and stalwart. It stands up through all storms and leads others to them by being steady and unwavering. It knows where it is at all times.

I'm 45. I've been lost in the mountains before. I've also been down in the abyss at sea. I have resurfaced and now I want to be a LIGHT HOUSE. Lofty goal? You should meet my parents. My family, amazing people, odd beaters. And we STILL love each other through quite a few trials... Love each other LIKE CRAZY!!!!!!

I believe we are born with the right to be happy, with the right to enjoy life. I did not say all the time for I believe we learn through our trials. But what about surrendering all those ideas about being what you are not, and become WHO you really are deep inside. I think you know if there is polarity inside yourself. When you surrender to the real You, You surrender to Life.

Words adapted from a song I love...

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap it's arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it's like to be new

I work on this every day. It matters to me that I am real.
Everything comes at a price... including Cool Clear Water.

What These Feet Feel In the Yellow Florida Sun

These "Jordan Kicks" were on my sons feet out in Florida on a P-day where he is serving a mission for our church. Florida is supposedly the SUNSHINE state. I equate sunshine with happiness and the color YELLOW with being happy. As in everything Florida has taken its fair share of rain and hurricanes. As for me, I would never choose to live in Florida. Our family vacationed there and had a blast. Live there? I'll pass. I suppose it is what we get used to...I kind of like the four changes of seasons where I live.

Grey skies...they come...and they come unfortunately to those families who have inherited this awful thing called mental illness. My brave and stalwart son has battled some depression out in the mission field as he has served in Florida. Again we are not a family that is ashamed of this medical issue, however we still fight the battle of ignorance all around.

Missionaries walk and they walk a lot, or they ride their bikes. They do have access to a car on occasion to get to certain destinations. Getting out in the fresh air and exercise is especially good for depression. This has been documented and proven time after time, however when the depression persists beyond several weeks there is no exercising, praying, thinking, dieting, or perfect living this stuff away. You need help and you need humility. I say humility because it is usually pride that keeps us from saying, "I need help, I can't seem to get over this feeling." If you ever find yourself saying that, don't waste another precious day, getting help is easier than you think. Everyone's path for healing and feeling better is different. Reaching out is your first step.

I wish that each of us could walk a mile in 10 other peoples shoes...maybe some Jordans, some military combat boots, ballet shoes, or possible rags because shoes were not affordable or even available. I believe we would then look at the world through different eyes because of what our feet felt. But it is so easy to get self-absorbed. Another way to help with depression is to help someone else...however it is well known that you cannot give away what you do not have yourself.

A message to my son...I love you more than words could possibly say. When your feet hit the streets of Florida, though they may be heavy, carry on for you are a strength and example to many. Your heart may ache for the comforts of home, but there are others who will never go home at all. Your mind may twist and turn with grey thoughts that tear you down and tell you that you are worth very little, but remember my son you were preserved and given another chance in this life, you were meant to SHINE ON!!!

Within the Silver Lining

Happy Birthday Beautiful Child of Mine! T.J.(Tyson Joe) we call him Teej, I'm into one syllable names, is 28 years old today. I actually had him the day before Thanksgiving. So at 17 years old I spent my Thanksgiving in the hospital. I remember after I had him I was so excited so to celebrate I ate the hospitals Thanksgiving dinner shortly after delivery, in which it came up as quickly as it went down.

Even though at 16 I was devastated to find myself pregnant this child was the delight of my life. We seemed to form a bond early in life possibly because I was a child raising a child. He intuitively was so concerned for me and I was a protective Mother Bear of him. When he was 3 years old we lived with my parents and he played his rendition of happy birthday to me on the piano including vocals. Priceless!

I would say that life has not been easy for Tj or even for me for that matter. I'm not crying the blues one bit, what I am saying is that this IS LIFE. We have been very happy through the challenges. Happiness is a CHOICE. Bitter and ornery people are a pain.

My sister shared something with me just the other day that I thought was very profound: What are you willing to let go of in order to get what you want. T.J. had to let go of a drug habit. This is a big question for many of us. One that I suggest we all contemplate...

T.J.'s journey has only just begun, he has his whole life ahead of him and it looks as if amongst his tough beginning there is a silver lining...

Shadowland of Gray

I believe life comes full circle. Look for the parallels as to who we are, what we are here to learn and everything around us and you will find them. Look for the meaning in the shadows. Everything is not meant to be so obvious.

Does love mean never having to say you're sorry? I doubt that! Ali McGraw, you were wrong! Love hurts. And the circles go round and round. We make choices and we live with them. Sometimes we can change them, sometimes we cannot. How often we find this true in life. We fear love so much when it is there for the taking, then when it is stolen from us we have so many regrets. Youthful love, raising children, aging parents, death. Why love if losing hurts so much?

I believe C.S. Lewis said it best when he said, "the pain now is part of the happiness, that's the deal. " He said this after losing his wife to cancer. He had closed his heart to any kind of true intimacy with anyone until his wife was struck with cancer. Why is it that often times it takes some kind of tragedy to really become vulnerable and love openly?