The Long Road Home

The long way home

Some pain is in your soul for so long it becomes unknown to you, you hardly know it's there, until it is gone... It's lingering affects have been chemical warfare silently killing you with each breath you take and each thought you make, or you have chose to bury it so long you were unaware it lived inside. My pain has been mostly private and silent, occasionally manifesting itself in a violent or melancholy dream or self destructive behaviors. This was mostly acted out in my 30's. I wonder, am I alone?, there must be others with some stories similar to my own?

I am getting older, hopefully wiser, feeling less entitled and more grateful for the roads I have traveled, no matter the bumps in the road. Life can be hard for many, and probably for most; no one is entitled to a privileged life, although the American dream still holds fast. I have not, or do not ever give up and it is not necessarily the monetary riches that i once sought in my 20's that i seek now, it is peace and contentment of a secure and fun life, filled with time, friends and family.

At this juncture I am no more, actually less inclined, to share my burdens with others, i find peace in the strength of a Higher Power. The pains that have exercised my shoulders to stand up, despite the discomfort, is exactly what gave me the perseverance through life's situational disappointments and tragedies. i hold no bitterness or no one at fault for these disappointments and tragedies, this is life lessons and the journey.

Some days it is hard to get out of bed, the day is filled with daunting tasks that ensure an overload of physical pain that will manifest in my back and neck. The difference today is I can get out of bed, in my world there is nothing worse thus far than not being able to participate in life. There were many days in years gone by I could not. Even getting into the shower was an insurmountable task. 

Each day now brings a new and different challenge, facing challenges alone as i am soon to join the ranks of being single at 48 is scary yet I embrace the new life for it is best for all concerned. My Aging and aching body is at the least annoying, yet proof that mind over matter has immense power. Watching my grown children make some choices i made at their age, yet different for their own reasons and very much each individually their own person, makes me burst with happiness and cry crocodile tears all the same. I allow them to live their journey and rejoice when they allow me to be with them, no matter the weather, sunny, cloudy or torrential rains.

I live today for me. For me, I find purpose in loving others without conditions. Today i am fulfilling my purpose authentically. I have not always felt received by unconditional love. Conditional love is cold, hard and pain at it's finest. I now know I am perfect just as i am...and you are too. I am letting go of the pain. I hope your journey takes your there too. You must push through the pain, face the fear and sometimes be willing to leave the comforts of what you have to get what you want and really need more. What i wanted more was simple. Peace within. I hold no one to blame, i take full accountability for my past and my present. I am reminded...the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. I am neither in sane nor was i willing to keep getting the same results. Life has been by no means horrible, as i make changes once again in my life, it is uncomfortable but i know i am growing and facing my fears and moving away from my pain. i follow my heart, my head has talked me out of many things many times, for even though i am free-spirited on one side, i am also pragmatic on the other.

Mental illness, though it can be a wicked debilitating disease it does NOT have to be. Taking medication to balance the neurotransmitters (brain chemistry), awareness of triggers and knowledge of the illness can keep you healthy and as functioning as any other person with any other disease. Mental illness has many different faces and it can be complicated and equally fascinating, there is no other organ on earth as complicated and powerful as the brain. There is absolutely no shame in a mental illness; there is if it is used as an excuse, or you become victimized or you victimize others by bad behavior. Knowledge and accountability is empowerment and  successful living. 

I would not change my experiences or that of my family history. I am deep and rich with emotion and feeling from many generations. I channel it positively and reach out and help others who have had similar experiences. I have yet to meet someone who has not been affected by mental illness, the question is who is comfortable talking about it openly? In absolute clarification, I am.

I have often taken the long road home.

Perspective & Unconditional Love

Some events become photographically etched in our psyche, and verbal tapes can play to and fro in our minds. Each individual can have a completely different perspective of the same event depending on your viewpoint and interpretation.

Where we may tread rough waters lie in believing our interpretation is the right way, and therefore everyone else is wrong. This rigidity is painful and a tough way to live.

For instance, one may look at this photograph and think, "BAD DOG, tearing up a $200 textbook is bad, very bad!" To PAC this may have been FUN! He may have been missing his Dad or Uncle, who were dutifully at school, the textbook just lying there as active bait for anxiety control! Who are we to judge PAC's frame of mind when he was doing his deed? Was he attacking ferociously, or was he playfully enjoying the paper as the books page's were flying about, or was he possibly feeling mischievous wanting to even the score after Uncle Chase did not share an ounce of his juicy hamburger? How do we REALLY know what is going on in a dog or any one's mind, really?

So we judge another by their actions and intent. We make mistakes in this life. Speaking for myself, my greatest lessons have been from the mistakes i have made, my recognition, acknowledgment and restitution of those mistakes. They have molded me into the woman i am today. I have learned not to judge others for choices they make, for i do not see things from their viewpoint, unless i know them well enough, it's best for me to make no assumptions and unconditionally love.

 

This journey called life frankly, has kicked my butt so hard lately, i don't know if I am coming or going, but I am neither special, entitled or different than anybody else. Life has many challenges and i am grateful every day that i have the health to get up and face each day. I am grateful I have a great family, good friends and a mind to think and act of my own accord. I am grateful to be at this stage of life, with experience and knowledge to understand and have insights, ability to listen to the wisdom of my elders, ambition enough to work hard from roots that taught me to never give up, and humility enough that ultimately I know in my soul that God is in charge. I know that as i trust Him, He can and will do more with my life as i seek Him for guidance and strength.

Balance has always been one of my biggest challenges. I am driven. It is easy for me to take things to the extreme, maybe you relate with this and maybe this is not your challenge at all? What ever your challenge is, speaking from experience...the first step in overcoming is recognition/ acknowledgment, having some type of support system and loving yourself through it, knowing that God is always on your side, no matter what. I learned this parable as i anguished watching my son detox off of drugs and i realized the love of a parent is pure and unconditional. There is nothing that could make me not love my children. This is exactly how God is with each of us, now i feel comfortable talking to Him about...everything!