Winter's Stage of Life

It has been months since I have been able to write. I rely on inspiration and rawness when I write.....these emotions seem to have been fleeting. Today I will try..try to see if anything that is in my heart and mind, may be of benefit to put on paper and project out to the world, via, a blog.

Today I settle in.. IN to a reality that if given the chance to change, I probably would. Not that it would be the best decision, but I believe, WE all have a tendency to gravitate to the known. My life is not bad right now, actually, far from it, but because of divorce, change in career, new friends, another bed to sleep in, well, it is all very different, different from what I am accustomed to. 

I’m 50something, and for some odd reason, I would like some familiarity surrounding me, i.e., hearing my kids come through the back door, having an employee sit in my office and cry (or bitch), being overwhelmed with more physical and emotional work than I felt I had strength for, but somehow always mustering it up! Now,.. where I am Now, none of this familiarity is possible, and how addicted I have been to the dysfunctional aspect(s) of life. Now, yes, I have NOW simplified my life, I have changed everything that was familiar.

I chose. We each choose. We make choices, every day, and the consequences come, either quickly or slowly, each consequence can be met with awful trepidation and resilience. Over the past 6 years I have posted 16 blogs about “change” and 24 about “acceptance”. It seems logical that I have anticipated these themes to be BIG in my life.

I am in my 50’s now. It is the “NOW WHAT” stage of life.. I raised 3 beautiful boys, and they are in full swing now, instigating successful and happy lives of their own. I personally have lived a remarkable and full life, filled with worldly success and diverse experiences. Yet after contemplation and severe reality checks, I realize that it is now the Winter stage of my life and I am trying to adjust.

My Winter stage of life.. it is quiet, still, simple, beautiful, lonely and confusing. In the Spring of my life I had purpose; my home, family, business and friends needed me. Summer came and I was still in full swing, in heated pursuit of creating worldly success and pushing my offspring to happiness. Then the Fall season came and the harvest seemed robust and colorful, it was also fleeting and filled with hard work, taking care of all that I had worked so hard for.

Then Winter rolled in and it was time for assessment, discovery and stillness.

I love the Winter when the snow falls crisply, cleans the air and makes everything look brisk..... everything is poignant..

..and still. 

But the truth is I also pause... for when the Winter sky turns grey and I yearn for a sliver of sunlight,  I’m not sure what is ahead..but my hope is always for peace, love, acceptance and understanding...I have that, well most of that, 

and I am blessed...I hope that for you too...it is alway, ALWAYS about the Journey.

Passions and Mourning and Living

Are there some times when few words are necessary, because there is so much to be feeling? I have been going through times of great feeling lately. I do that. Do you?

I for one, can be verbose when passionate about One Thing, and equally reclusive when mourning another.

It is said we can learn from history to make our tomorrows better. And yet, all we really have is now, right now. And that can sound a bit confusing?! Ya, so tie that all up in a pretty little bow... and then make sense of it... Deepak Chopra where are you??

So i have made my list of things i am passionate about; whether they make up my past, present or future and whether the package is torn and tattered or neatly packaged with a pretty little bow, it does define me. What are you passionate about???

10 things on my "passionate list"...

1.  Letting my boys know they are loved unconditionally and amazing for being exactly who they are! They have grown to be ultra amazing and unique men.

2.  Being kind, genuine, authentic and NON-judgmental.

3.  God watches over us and life is eternal.

4.  Dogs were meant to be man's best friend, evidenced by-- they listen and love.

especially when they are in trouble

or want to learn to wash dishes
 with Grams.

5.  Good parents sacrifice. Great parents sacrifice everything. I have Great Parents.

6.  If you have a best friend in your life you are rich--and lucky--most do not. I am rich!

7.  Work hard, but try to figure out how to rest guilt-free.

8.  No one owes you a damn thing.

9.  Quality over Quantity.

10. Don't try to impress or put yourself above others. Phony people that gossip, SUCK.

"10 things I mourn"... to be continued...

Be Not Afraid

I know a few people, and really it's VERY few, that just don't give a damn what other people think.

They live out loud. I like that.

BE NOT AFRAID

Spirituality Defined

Nature vs. Nurture

The debate of nature vs. nurture is one that never seems to be resolved. This is a forever fascinating subject and one that if given the chance to delve into you learn much about others, family and yourself. I have loved the phrase,

"there are two kinds of people, those who must live life to understand it, and those who must understand it to live it."

Looking back i have had two Phazes (sorry for the shameless plug of my business) and i have gone through both; first the living life trying to understand it, and now the second phase of trying to understand it while i live. For both of these phases i see the effects of my biological genetics taking their place, and my life long environment having its immense influence as to my actions and reactions to life situations and stimulus.

You as readers don't read to know about me, you read to have more insight about yourself, or at least this is my goal. So these are the questions i ask you to ponder for these are my personal observations that have helped me get through the twists and turns, the triumphs and disappointments of life, and helped me to progress and persevere.

1. What is your deep seated motivation to live as you do?
2. What are you most proud of in your life?
3. What makes what you are proud of so special, or different that you have chosen it?
4. What are you ashamed of?
5. Why are you ashamed of this?
6. Would you change it if you could, or has it developed your character?
7. If you were to die tomorrow, are the people you love and want in your life surrounding you now? If not, why not?
8. Are you living authentically?

These are all important questions to examine, ones that may need visiting from time to time. Our genetic makeup influences us to be one way, and our environment molds us into the ways in which we perceive life as we know it. This becomes our truth.

Pigtails

Yesterday I said to Zion, "the best things in life are free...or a buck ninety-nine." I was referring to my recent purchased of Chips Ahoy cookies that i got at the bargain price of $1.99.

I just want to play soccer Mom.

I like simple things, cookies, pigtails and my Dad. This morning on the drive to the farm to see my Dad I called Mom and wished her a "Happy Father's Day." I thanked her for all the times she had brought out power tools to help me hang or fix things, she's a handy woman. She laughed and asked, "well did you wish your Dad, Happy Mother's Day, on Mother's Day?" I said, "no, but I should have because he put my hair in the best pigtails in grade school!" We had a great laugh because i loved how my Dad's fingers were the right size for nice ringlets; Mom's fingers were too small. Dad's hands are massive and he got pretty good at putting a hair pin in too.

One of our Vegas Trips

Today as I ate breakfast in the same place i grew up in, looking out the same window at the farm, circumstances in our lives have changed; Rondy, Mom #2 sat to my left, Sherry and Dave my brother and sister were not there and I have raised my 3 boys. It was quiet yet peaceful, the cows have been replaced by horses and there is beauty all around because there is still love in that little old home on the farm. Lives change but love is eternal...and life is eternal...all is well.

After storms God sends Rainbows

Politics!

Osama Bin Laden is dead, or is he? Interesting stuff? Yes. Does it matter? Yes. Can you believe everything you hear?

I'm NO more inclined to talk politics now, (even though it is my minor) than I was years before...for these reasons: 

• depending on one's vantage point ideas and beliefs differ 
• the dogma often times becomes so strong you cannot hear the facts above the opinion and emotion
• we often only know the facts that support our viewpoint
• who can you trust to report the "truth"
• if what is being reported politically is repetitive or sensationalized its just media  
• I have more constructive things to do than hate everything about what is going on in my country and the world

 For the record I don't trust or believe everything I hear or read, but what does it really matter in your life? What matters in the big scheme of things to me, is my part and contribution as a citizen and holistic entity to the world is, am I doing MY best?

When you are in school facebook is a required course of distraction. It's convenient to pop in and read a brainless news feed. It is rather addictive when a professor is droning on...yes even for the "non-trad's." One of my "friends" on facebook went on a four letter tirade towards the government about Bin Laden, which yes we have free speech, but if one is SO unhappy and upset, maybe one should change. Many borders are open into other countries. Just saying.

We don't have all the answers. Politically, personally, this is a life journey, and we work on getting the most out of it that we can. One step at a time.

What do YOU give?

I took two mid-term exams today. Neither exams were about the environment or Green Peace, which is a non-government organization that evolved out of a peace movement and anti-nuclear protests. But the subject matter that was on the exams brought this phrase to mind, "You get what you give" of which, I agree and I disagree. May I explain?

Economically: We do not get what we give, equitably...women (all races/ethnicity combined still earn 80.2% of what men earn, and only 68.9% if you are an African American woman (IWPR.org 2009). It is a myth that poor people are lazy and the wealthy are ambitious. In America your socio-economic class is more connected to your background, the family you were born into.

Politically: as a nation we seem to hear more left and right wing rhetoric than we actually see in steps forward to solving the important issues that require compromise and egos to be put aside. Americans become apathetic to issues and voting when their representatives are bought by big business and special interests.

Socially: the status and prestige that is present in the so to speak "caste system" in America divides us into social classes from the poor to the excessively rich. When 95% of the wealth in this country is owned by 2.8% of the population, this very tight group of people can and do have profound effects on peoples lives. I am disappointed in the disproportion between two professions like teachers and professional athletes. Teachers have little prestige (and wages comparatively) in the ranks of our social classes. America elevates (and pays) professional athletes more to entertain our children than to educate them.

Physically: you get what you give. Exercise, eat right, generally works in your favor. Enough said.

Mentally/Emotionally: what you think about you bring about, thoughts create behaviors. By acknowledging and owning your own behavior and not others you will generally be more mentally and emotionally healthy. When you are mentally and emotionally healthy you have positive energy and you are a positive force to be around...you get what you give. Acknowledging your mental/emotional well-being to fluctuate and be ok with that is powerful, it is ok NOT to operate at 100%, one hundred percent of the time.

Relationships: this is one area where you get what you give...but are the motives of the two the same? Two people equal balance... which equals proportionate effort, however if one persons intentions are romantic and the others is friendship the relationship will be out of balance, you will not get what you give. Not all relationships have to be about getting, sometimes just giving is enough to fill your cup. However if you are always taking, your cup will never filleth...

TANned Out

Tomorrow is March 5th. Tandin my baby turns 19. I get to take him to lunch, then we all get together to party like rock stars as we do so well in our family. He has been looking forward to getting an iPhone for sometime and this birthday looked like the day! However, being the free spirit and one who never wants to say "I wish I would have..." he will be taking off for So. Cal. on Saturday "until his money runs out" or class resumes at USU on March 16, which ever happen first.

This child of mine has been the organizer of fun for as long as I can remember. I am pretty sure if you were to sit down and talk to him about his life this far he would have very few regrets. He values family, friends and experiences. He is taking his education seriously and this little window of time to relax is well worth putting off that iPod (now he just needs so.cal money)!!

I learn a lot from my boys. Tan has always been so level headed, and also had this uncanny ability to seize the moment. His sheer intelligence and sense of balance makes me feel safe when I am around him. When we had our boat several years ago he was the caretaker even though he was the youngest. He has an eclectic set of personality traits. When I think of him I smile. He is humorous beyond, but he has to be in the mood and you have to be sharp enough to catch it.


Tandin does not repeat things. If you didn't catch it the first time then, well you are pretty much SOL. His mind works at lighting speed and if can keep up it's interesting and fun. If not you're just TANned out with the many others...