God's Warriors

I had a short email conversation with a good friend last night and his last words to me were.... 

“God gives the fiercest battles to His strongest warriors.” 

This past year two of my very best friends have lost children. I believe it goes without saying that to bury a child is not the natural succession of life, but it does happen, and trying to make sense of it is beyond this life’s understanding.

Recently I have read several books on NDE (near death experience). It has brought me peace and a faith that heaven is all around us and loved ones watch over us continually. I believe that there are no “coincidences” and if we allow life to unfold and willingly embrace the good and the bad, it is then that we realize everything has a purpose.

And so i say, if you have faced tragedy, loss, disappointment and fear, you have experienced what it is to be human, for i know no one who has not. Sometimes it may seem as though some face insurmountable challenges, and it is to those i say, "You Are God's Warrior's!" 

Facing Fears

When i was a little girl i was absolutely frightened of the Boogie Man! Before going to bed my Dad would carry me through the entire house and i would watch him look under every bed, in every closet and the "dark room." The dark room was especially scary. Eventually the assurance from my parents that i was safe helped me to overcome my fear.

Up until 5 years ago I had hardly ever slept alone. I purposely selected an apartment on the 3rd floor when i became single because i was still frightened of being alone at night. Eventually i got over that too.

What are your biggest fears? Failure? Being alone? Not being loved? Losing all your material possessions? Losing your health? Losing your sight? I've had all these fears at one time or another.

The first time i looked into Zion's cloudy eyes I panicked. And i cried. I have watched Zion's eyes get progressively worse, i watch her bump into things, try as she might jump on our bed, and if i don't stay within hearing distance of her in unfamiliar places she gets disoriented. I have wondered if she is frightened? This is Zion as we left work last week (yes she goes to work with me everyday)!

Zion will be 13 on September 12th. She is actually as spunky as ever in familiar places. I have spent more consistent hours with her than anyone in my life and it is hard to imagine living life without her.  I know that day will come..and i will mourn..and i will get another dog. She will never be replaced, but i will share the unconditional love and companionship she taught me with another special dog.

And so as Zion faces fear, i too face the fear of being without her. She has brought me joy, peace, comfort, companionship and unconditional love.

But life goes on. And while Zion's steps are unsure and winding down..Collin's my first grandchild's is just winding up. His first steps were wobbly and unsure, he faces his fear, falls down, and then gets right back up. The circle of life is consistently moving. Facing fear is part of living.

You can hear Collin's fear and then his Dad, my Chase, tell him, "good job." Yes, the circle of life.

High Winds on the Yellow Brick Road

Last Thursday December 1, 2011 was an unusual day for Utahn's, particularly in Davis County. As I drove to and from the University of Utah I was thinking, "could I be in Kansas or better yet could I wake up in Oz?" But naaaa, no yellow brick roads around here, just another day of dodging shrapnel from the latest wind storm. This one was a bad one.

I-15 littered with semi-trucks on their sides.

Greasy side up!

Wrong place. Wrong time. Definitely.

So do you consider yourself lucky, unlucky, blessed, better, worse, privileged, ahhh, not so much if you were the owner of this car. How about the truck driver's who got the protected spots under the bridges? Lucky? Were they smart or did they get there first, maybe both.

As i tossed about in my low profile car quite confident, although shaky, i still felt safe. Then i thought about the vulnerability of these unsuspecting truck drivers innocently passing through this stretch of highway, only to be tipped completely over or halted for hours. The line of high profile trucks stopped along the side of the freeway was nearly comical. Do they still use CB's these days? "HEY good buddy, you got your ears on? Cuz there's a whole lotta greasy side up..."

As a child one of the scariest movies I watched repeatedly was the Wizard of Oz. I was terrified by the Wicked Witch, even though I knew the outcome, I still had that anxious and scared feeling throughout the movie. It has taken me a life time, as i now close in on 50 to face my fears, step up to all my responsibilities, and weather out the storms that come when least expected. I suppose I have always had this strength, I just now earned enough life lessons to get my red ruby slippers.

These things skip through my mind...are some born wearing red ruby slippers? Does this entitle them to privileges above others? Do some never get any slippers at all, possibly because they never even considered they were good enough to wear slippers, let alone red ruby ones? What entitles or differentiates one soul from another? I may have to travel to Oz to figure that one completely out. 

One thing I do know, Dorothy was lucky to have Toto...

Discomfort from PAC the PUP

everywhere he's not supposed to be, yet he's a pup in training, these things take time

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or  truer answers.

M. Scott Peck

Last night at approximately 45 minutes prior to the first PAC 12 kick off game at the Rice Eccles stadium the University of Utah Utes hosted Montana State. i wanted to be part of the festivities as i am a student and fan (without tickets to the game) so i took my dog Zion and my new grandog PAC on a walk--destination: MUSS section touted as one of the best college crowds in the country,  to join the crowd and meet up with my kids. PAC the effervescent American/English Bulldog PUP did rather well walking beside Zion in his newly purchased red (albeit too big) harness.

Grandmog was quite pleased, then it happened, we are outside the stadium and the band begins to pound on the percussion; and PAC starts into some fit of panic and squirming unfamiliar to me and certainly uncomfortable to bystanders as no one seems to come to the aid of the funny lady battling with one out of control dog and one completely disinterested yet well-behaved dog.  Hummm?

I shuffled PAC as far away from the sound, which happened to be on the curb of 5th South, certainly not a quiet street being shortly before the biggest game ever to be hosted at the stadium. "OK! Where is the DOG WHISPERER?!"
 

PAC's "Dog Whisperer" Dad Tan

I think to myself "calm and assertive." I hold PAC closely to my body and calmly rock him. Zion is basically nonchalantly acting..."as IF PAC, get a hold of yourself, we are in public and you are making a FOOL out of all of us, especially yourself!" She patiently stands close and waits. One man does stoop down and said to me, "you have a scared puppy there?" I say, "yes." He leaves, this is no time for dog chit chat. I cannot loose my focus i must hold on to this pup for if i don't i take the chance of him darting across this busy street and getting loose or much worse he could get hit by a car...cause an accident.


 I look up and low and behold a UofU VIP bus is slowing in front of me on the road and i pick that pup up (all 30 squirming lbs) of him, Zion faithfully following me no matter where i go. Driver sees my determination to get on that bus no matter what, he opens the door and i say "i need a ride, just a block or two or i'm going to lose control of this nervous pup." The driver is not so amused. But the VIP's on the bus are kind and inquisitive to my darling scared grandog and we enjoy dog talk for less than 5 minutes, and i am in safety zone past the heavy sound of percussion.  We have control, not calm, but at least control.

but can i trust you?

I seem to find myself in these predicaments at times and then i look for the lessons and it is summed up in this...PAC and I learned to trust one another during that time. We were both uncomfortable for a time, but through that trust we found a way to work through a situation that could have turned out unfavorably. We bonded that much more and for that i am even more crazy about that pup. i expect our relationship to continue to grow. that's how it works, risk, put it out there, trust, learn, grow, move forward, repeat. When i think about it the alternative is to retreat, think he is too much work or give up. When unconditional love is the prize it's worth some discomfort, and searching for different ways could be exactly what the PAC needs.

contentment after the discomfort

The MoNsTer in Me!

I have a bazillion things to do--clean the house, shop at the store--for you Mormons now, no bursting into song --"so we can be ready for Sunday."

I wish I felt like singing, the dogs miss my singing, I haven't been singing as much lately. I'm not depressed.........I'm situationally challenged.

I should be working at the salon/boutique, working in my office, doing homework, yada yada. What I should do and what I feel like doing are two completely different things...but as it goes I have my trusty little lap top and my faithful little lap dog, and I surf the day away.

I do my best not to guilt myself, Dad always said, "if I miss this meeting, there will be another." And then that sh** eating grin would appear on his face, his head would bob slightly from shoulder to shoulder in mischievous disdain and you could hear a slight chuckle. Wow do I love reality.  There is always plenty of meetings, housework, homework and shopping, even for a Saint...and excuse me, but I'm not a Saint, I'm a farmers daughter, occasionally I have the mouth to prove it, (sh, I mean oops)!

I have learned that the list of stuff isn't going away, and I'm pretty sure this icky feeling in my chest will. I could do ALL that stuff (or get started,) and ignore this icky feeling, but "feeling" it is part of "healing."

I am reading, or rather re-reading, a book I read years ago. I have referred to many chapters on several occasions over the past 5 years. I love books where at the beginning of chapters are thoughts or poems that pertain to the book that make you think or give some type of insight. Here is the thought at the beginning of Chapter 9 from "Enchanted Love" by Marianne Williamson, entitled "Removing the Ghosts"

"There are monsters in my past, my darling.

So what? I have a few in mine. But I am not the monster.

I am not the monster, and the monster is not me."

When I was a little girl I was terrified of monsters! So much so that my dad had to carry me in his arms and show me every closet and look under every bed. Together we would walk through our basement, opening the "darkroom" door was the scariest! This was surely the place the "monsters" would be waiting. But my dad was bigger and stronger than any of them! I could have never trusted, I could have never slept had we not done this ritual every night. I cannot remember what frightened me so much, nor how long it continued, but eventually I did learn to trust.

I look back and see that, yes, the monster was in me...the monster is always in us. Can we accept that, can we actually see that...and move past it? Face my fears? I can now. Sometimes I just need a day (or two,) on, off, in or out of "reality."  Doesn't really matter to me which preposition you use. I suppose it's all about how You look at it.

Headaches, Homework, and Cancer, Part II

I don’t care how many holidays go by. I miss him. We all miss him. This is the 16th and Dave’s name always comes up around the Thanksgiving table and most definitely if we play games. He won monopoly even if he HAD to cheat, Dave won. DAD wants to win the battle of “incurable stage 4” cancer. He CAN win the battle. None of us win the final war, which is OK, I have no doubt Dave is doing just fine, and it will be a good reunion when we all join him.

What gives me headache number 15 since Friday is all the not knowing.

“How sick will he be on chemo? Why does this happen? How does this happen?










Why has this stabbing pain now moved from behind my eyes to my chest?


Does he want Dozer to come over? He comforts me.


Why do I have to be strong?






Maybe Zion would be the better Dog? I would give her up. She lies with me for hours when I am hurting. If Zion goes to Dad's I need to go, I don't sleep well without Zion. No matter, I'm not sleeping much.

No Roxee is the only dog for the job, she understands pain and suffering, she IS the LOVE dog, Rondy would LOVE ROXEE!








AND how does chemo really REALLY work?”

Fear. And then we face it, what IS the alternative? I have stayed in bed for long, ridiculously long periods of time. Depression? Excuse me for saying so but I would rather die…the long drawn out chemical type of depression where there is no joy, no purpose, and all there is in your world is darkness for no reason? cOp oUt, ViCtIm, ya I know. If you don’t get it, you never will, don’t even try…, and suicide is not a choice, knowledge, management and acceptance, life keeps on...but NO I have purpose!... my family has purpose. MY DAD HAS PURPOSE!!!

We face our fears, we fight when necessary, we surrender when a broken heart and contrite spirit is the order of the day, and we fight each battle as it comes, even when we do not understand or know our enemies.

Without challenges we do not grOW. Without heartaches we learn no CoMpAsSiOn. All these things are part of our journey…and we do NOT avoid them, or distract ourselves from them, or run away from them, because sooner or later, the challenges and heartaches knock at everyone's door, or just crash it down and it just comes in anyway. My homework is working the steps now, and the homework from the UofU won't be going away either (anthropology sucks). Life just keeps on...

Today I am a little angry, a little sad and I know that this is part of a grieving process that i have to go through. It is part of acceptance. I’m not sure if I will be totally happy tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, but happiness does come, if I choose to allow it. Dad says he is happy, this is important and what matters most! He is happy when his family visits. He is happy when he feels loved. Love can and does heal ALL. He is loved, Oh, He IS LOVED!!!

Butterflies are Free to Fly

The freedom of the butterfly to randomly move over the landscape and spread its beauty while contributing to our ecosystem seems trivialized at times. Similarly the lessons we learn during the tragedies of life are marginalized yet the contributions to our lives are monumental.

I suppose what happens in life is we all perceive things in our own way…I may see the glass as half full, to someone else it is half empty, and we both are right. But what does it really matter?.......I believe what matters is that we love and respect one another for the experiences we each have. What I believe matters is we place no judgment beyond that… for that would be injustice and a tragedy. After all, we have not walked in the other mans shoes. No one chooses pain, yet pain is a part of life. What we do with the pain is what makes the man.

“The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly.” Richard Bach.

The pains of life cause us to fear, and fear causes us to want to control. What in fact we learn is we have control of so little. Only when we surrender do we actually become free…

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Richard Bach

What you try to control, controls you.

Butterflies are free to fly...it could not have been otherwise.

August 22, 2016

This blog was posted 6 years ago, it was inspired by this song...

I am now free to fly...

White Masks We Hide Behind

Not so sure my son would be happy about me posting this pic of the little home facial that I'm giving him, but I'm betting he never really knows about it!

I'm an esthetician by trade, a mother by heart, a friend by soul, and a human by nature. I've put a lot of masks as an esthetician on people over the years to hydrate, oxygenate, moisturize and energize. But my personal favorite is the kaolin clay mask. This type of a mask dries on the skin and helps to purge the pores of all the debris that has been trapped that causes you to break out.

Over the years as I have performed many facials on people my rewards were always so far beyond the temporal gains because of the way I was able to share and relate with so many people. There was often times more purging of the soul than purging of the pores. Not exactly sure how, or why, but people often trusted me early and often. I am grateful for that and I feel they had every reason, for I cared very deeply for them and I never broke a confidence.

After being in the beauty industry for over 25 years now I have now moved to a different sector of business. I learned very early in the beauty industry that beauty was just about having the skills and the know how to put it all together. I guess when I think of all the years I spent in our salon, the work I am most proud of is that if I lifted someones spirits enough so that they felt as though they were beautiful and worthwhile just as they are...no mask necessary...no makeup, no hairstyle...no nothin'. In fact I love them that much more, more purely and easily when they didn't have to be perfect.

We wear a lot of masks in our lives. We don't recognize that we do. I believe we have to wear many different hats in our lives, the chauffeur hat, the chefs hat--I liked my dog trainer hat, but why so many masks? Do the masks we wear beget themselves from fear derived from within ourselves (internally) or outside (externally)? Personally speaking mine have come from both. My awareness of these particularly recently and my desire to clean my face has helped me to work on breaking free. It's a scary thing. I have come to realize how comfortable certain masks are. Just as a blanket is when it is cold.

Here are some lines from a song that I love...
Another Place to Fall by--KT Tunstall
There isn't much more I can say
For I don't understand the delay
You're asking for friendly advice
And remaining in permanent crisis
Affection is yours if you ask
But first you must take off your MASK
When you're back's turned I've decided I'll throw it away just like I did

I wash my face every day. Actually twice a day, I still break out. I still use a white kaolin clay mask too and I have other masks because I fear, I fear a lot of things...but I'm working on it.

The Fear Flower Factor

I have not been a TV watcher for several years. When I was, Fear Factor was one of the programs that we watched occasionally. I guess being in a house full of boys that was one that would draw the crowd. Now the segment where the participants had to eat THINGS was of particular amusement to me. I really hate sensationalism and this was to me, 'sensationalism' at its finest. Menu: Eyeballs, worms, sour goat milk mixed with bull testicles, (oh, I'm fixing that tomorrow for dinner, everyone welcome r.s.v.p. in the comment box).

This picture is of Peppermint. Doesn't it give you a Warm Feeling? That is what Peppermint stands for. Isn't that what this season is meant for? To bring about warm feelings for one another? For all man kind???

A man was trampled to death at a retail store on black Friday by crowds FEARING they would not be the ones to win the deal. Yes, this is true, it happened in our country! I quote from an article out of the New York Times, "I think it ties into a sort of fear and panic of not having enough." I ask, when is enough ENOUGH?

We have often said in our family "if money can fix it, it's NOT a PROBLEM". Losing your health, that's a problem! Losing a loved one, that's a problem! Perspective, losing that, IS a problem! Fighting within a family, that's a problem! You CAN be poor and be happy. Ego and Fear get in the way of so many many things. I have a lot of personal experience with both.

I have 'chats' with myself many nights as I lay down to sleep and it goes something like this...How well did you show LOVE today? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well apparently Fear has been a Factor for you today. Try again tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meadow of Wildflowers

Yesterday I hiked 14 miles. The payoff??? A very personal and spectacular view of a meadow. The meadow looked very much like the picture in my mind. The trail was quite thick with little warning that this meadow was suddenly going to break open with its beauty and grandeur surrounded by snow capped mountains and dotted with wildflowers.

There are over 20,000 species of flowering plants in North America, belonging to about 300 different families. Those that grow in the wild or on their own, without cultivation, are called wildflowers. I did not count how many different kinds of wildflowers I saw, but I delighted in each one. I would love to make a very special bouquet of wildflowers, but it is against the law to pick wildflowers, they are too precious. Wildflowers are my favorite flowers, especially a daisy.

This is a very personal song to me called Wildflower by Skylark.

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine,
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears,
and her sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence,
in her ears...

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

And if by chance, I should hold her,
Let me hold her for a time;
But if allowed just one possession,
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine.

Be careful how you touch her, for she will waken;
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows.
And when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe;
The way she's always payin' for a debt she never owed,
and the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear,
And so, she goes.

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

Wildflowers are equipped to grow on their own in nature. And so it goes in life that we too find out we are equipped to grow on our own in life. As hard as a 14 mile hike may be for someone who does not do that kind of thing (like me) you sacrifice for what you love and you stand alone in the middle of the weeds always hoping to be better prepared next time. If you are watching there are unique and beautiful wildflowers always surrounding you as well.

If there ever is a next time...sometimes you get the chance, sometimes you don't.

I fought back many tears while on this hike, as I have many times in my life.

Sleep sometimes is my only freedom.