IT'S ABOUT TIME

After ten years, I finally married the love of my life in October 2023. Life has been an adventure—filled with challenges that have made writing difficult—until now. Our wedding was beautiful, and I wouldn’t change a thing. The ceremony was intimate, shared only with our dear mothers, sisters, brother-in-law, children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews.

This picture is especially dear to me because, just a few short months later, my mom passed away from pancreatic cancer. That night, after the ceremony, we shared a special hug. She had been experiencing pain on her right side and had been seeing the doctor. In that moment, as we embraced, a thought hit me—I wouldn’t have her much longer. We locked eyes after that hug. Tears welled up in hers, which was rare for my mom, and I shed one of my own. No words were spoken, but I think we both knew the truth. And I also knew she was happy that I was finally married.

Since my oldest grandson was eight months old, I’ve made it a tradition to have Friday night dates with him. As three more grandsons have joined the family, I’ve tried to keep that tradition alive. This past year—between getting married and everything else that has happened—it has been harder, but we’re finally getting back on track. These rascals bring me more joy than I could ever put into words. We’ve had our own parades, squirt gun fights, game nights, and countless trips to Wendy’s. These moments will be etched in my heart forever, even if they fade from their young minds. One of our favorite traditions at the end of our visits has been dancing to Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars. So, it felt only fitting that my grandsons introduced me as the bride with festive dancing, while Collin followed up the rear holding a sign that read: IT’S ABOUT TIME.

I have been blessed immensely with 3 boys that I absolutely adore and make me proud to be a mom. They have stood by me through some really tough times since 2011 when my life started to unravel. I think they all sighed a bit of releif when we finally got married, as they knew that I was happy and I had someone to grow old with.

As for me and my partner in crime...we have our moments. We are passionate people. We live life big. We love hard. We fight fiercely. We work too much. We play too little. We love to learn. And we work on getting better as individuals and as a couple, every single day of our lives.

Lessons from Tandin

I wrote my first blog on May 15, 2008 entitle "Just Grey." A part of it reads..."the day outside looks promising. Blue skies, light winds. I on the other hand am still grey. My chest feels heavy. I battle a frequent sting behind my eyes that spans into my nose as I fight back another trickle of tears. A flood of tears might make me feel better. The flood will not come."

Since that time i have written 245 blogs about a myriad of subjects mostly about the journey of life's lessons: happiness, sadness, loss, illness, family, work, success, love, divorce, dogs, friends, judgment, narcissism, pain, relationships, unconditional love, perspective, differences, death, addiction, acceptance, entitlement, and thank heavens humor! God love HUMOR!

In my writing i have been very candid and painfully honest about feelings. My writing has been my therapy. I have kept a diary/journal off and on most of my life. Blogging has been my way of, "over-sharing" in the name of an attempt to reach others and share life lessons. Maybe you will read my words and say -- "i get it".. or "me too!"

Ten years ago social media didn't really exist. It certainly didn't govern our lives and we didn't have to constantly check our screens to compare our lives to see if we, looked as good as someone else, or were having as much fun, or were as successful as our "friends"...or so it APPEARS.. Right??

Well today, i'm lying in bed taking the day off, feeling a little under the weather, for i did stand on snow in my cute little red boots -- freezing (after all i was going to Deer Valley, so i wanted to be fashionable, rather than warm, stupid mistake!).

Friday night I spent a great evening with Tandin, my youngest son, watching the aerial competition finals at Deer Valley. It was spectacular watching these athletes twist and turn through the air. The mountain was lit up, the cameras and subwoofer base beat was enough to make your heart pump a little faster. It was complete with a fireworks finale, everything was beautiful and surreal...And then the drudgery of fighting the drunken, impolite, self-center imbeciles, all clamoring to get on the shuttle back to Park City. We missed the first bus because Tandin was not willing to RUN to the bus, let's just say, he was a bit angered by me pulling on his sweat shirt because i wanted to get on that damn bus! We did manage to catch the second bus.


I suppose each time i write i try to "make a point" and this time is no different. I learn the most poignant things from my boys. Last night was no different. And here are the lessons from the night: 1) Suffer through even if you're a little cold and uncomfortable. Many do not have homes, and are cold all night. 2) Don't make your loved ones uncomfortable because of what YOU want. Was it really important that i get on the first bus? Nope, and pulling on Tandin's sweatshirt made him uncomfortable, for he is polite, and i was being self-centered and impatient. Thank God that my boy thinks enough of me to invite me to spend a Friday evening with him. Period. 3) Appreciate athletes that are disciplined enough to dedicate themselves to excel at something that make crowds of people gasp at their talent, guts and bravery. True excellence in anything takes absolute sacrifice.

I've learned many things from my boys. They are all so incredibly different. I work for my oldest son TJ, and god love his soul, he puts up with me being in his business (literally) day after day. I pinch myself because i am so lucky to get to work with him every day. He was my night in shining armor, he picked me up when i was down and I am in awe of his work ethic and integrity.

My tender Chase gets me to the core, and i get him - we are birds of a feather. I can truly say i have never known a more non-judgmental, selfless person than Chase, all i can say is his wife is a lucky lady and i am a blessed mom.

My baby, well he's not a baby anymore, he's such a deep human being, far beyond what my genes could have produced, and i'll keep him, and keep learning from him. He is emotionally and intellectually wise beyond his years. I am humbled to be his mom.

No Inspiration Yes Gratitude

I write purely if I am inspired, and if I feel passion or something has touched me. 

I do not recall any inspiration during the past couple of months. There have been things that have touched me, yet they are too personal to share in a public format.

Today is really no different, yet gratitude is something i feel and i feel it in loaders full....

...for today i am grateful for my heritage of learning hard work on the farm from wonderful parents. 

I return to the farm as often as time permits now. 

I am grateful for all 3 of my parents, Mom, Dad and Mom2 all pulling together for our family in a differently structured way. Mom & Mom2 talk together, grand kids swing on the same swings I grew up on.

I am grateful for a new Phazes staff that has regrouped and come together. I definitely know talent and love that comes from passion kicking in... when I am lacking it.

I am grateful for true friends that come from years past...many years past...that love and accept, in spite of all that is said, or may not be said, that may look good, or may not look good, that is real or may not be real.

I am grateful for short loving text messages of encouragement. I am grateful for long personal email messages of those who align with certain things i have experience in my life and then they are brave enough and they, reach out.

I am grateful for dogs. My 3 new granpups, Kamakazi PAC, Cayenne and Ducati.

Another pillow bite the dust

No Bulldog here not LOVED liked CRAZY!!!

  Dozer and Roxee whose memory keeps a smile on my face... and still a tear in my eye. 


                                                           

                                     And Zion my faithful companion, never, no never ever, very far from my side.

I am grateful for 3 boys that call me Mom. All different. All beautiful. All respectful. All dog lovers.

Tandin & Baby PAC

Chase & baby Cayenne

T.J. & baby Ducati

 All completely connected BODY and SOUL...to me.

It's Tomorrow

It's tomorrow. I wrote this blog titled Until Tomorrow after finishing my 4th semester at the "U." I was looking forward to some life changes, namely transferring to Weber State, which i did, but life does not always turn out exactly as you plan and you take some 180's. I start back at the "U" on Monday and I am looking forward to two classes from my fav Professor's.

I was looking forward to throwing on a suit, laying by a pool and reading a novel or two this summer. I also had ideas about "projects." Oh plenty of projects were accomplished, just not the ones i had in mind last May. I wanted to put all the old Super 8 and VHS videos on film for family preservation. Didn't happen.

 

My 3 MUSS boys.

What did happen is i was blessed with some great experiences with really beautiful people in my life. First, my boys, not nearly enough time, but that's what happens when life responsibilities hit you and you accept it head on. Second my parents, what awesome people all 3 of them are, each fighting their own challenges in life with health, aging, children, grandchildren and their own personal changes. They face them with tremendous valiance, they are great examples to me. My employees, for i have had an opportunity to reconnect and spend hours learning more about what they face each day at Phazes and i now have a new appreciation for our business and how they love and serve unselfishly. Last but not least the volunteering with Therapeutic Assets a horse therapy program for many special needs children and adults. The program is hosted at Allen Horse Play which is owned by my parents, where i call home. i grew up on this (used to be dairy farm) now horse stables, and it brings me peace each time i am able to spend time on that hallowed ground and remember my roots.

Zion loves every Thursday at the Stables. The horses do not love Zion, she is annoying.

 If your tomorrow does not turn out as planned, look at it this way, maybe it is for the best and all things have purpose, lessons can be learned if you look and are willing to let things take their course...things are as they should be. You just have to have a funny thing called, faith.~

Routines and CHOCOATE!!!

Routine? C'mon! Discipline? When your nature is free-spirited and your genetics give you the highs and lows...diagnosed by the experts as..."BiPolar?" Not a chance! But somehow, someway, in the heat of the fright of life, the responsibilities, the help of good sleep (thank you temazapam) and healthy chocolate, YES, I have found healthy chocolate. I have routine. For once!

My Mom had a mini stroke earlier this year, my sister has Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which is a pattern of frequent, constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. And when Dad was diagnosed with Cancer last November, well I guess a sense of mortality and fright began to overtake me, not for myself but for those I love so much. Death is such a strange experience and so far my overall familiarity with it has not been that pleasurable. 


I have found routine and discipline to be my friend. It keeps my mind from wandering and over-reacting. Ultimately I know, and have always known what we have is Here and Now, and when I live right NOW to its fullest I am fine, in fact I am fulfilled. 

So I will get to my studies, so I can get to my workout then off to work. I have already had chocolate!!!

Thoughts...in a BOX

One year for Christmas I gave my beautiful mother a decorative “Christmas” box with a copy of the book, “The Christmas Box” and a letter I had written to her. My intentions were to write her a letter each year so she could keep it in her pretty box. As good intentions go, no other Christmas letters have been written but my sweet mom has started a tradition of her own.

When we were little Mom made each of us our own Christmas stocking. Each of us was very proud of our stocking because she spent several hours on each one. Christmas day is now rather quiet for our family and after all the hustle of the season we welcome the peace. I asked my mom what she was doing for Christmas this year and she said, “I’m staying home alone and writing my letters to each of you kids. I like to be alone on Christmas.”

I found out several years ago that Mom started writing letters to Sherry, Richard and Amanda, (Dave’s children) and me.  Honestly I do not know what kind of a “stocking” my mom is putting these letters in, and I don’t care about the stockings, but I am touched by her love and expression of making it a tradition to write a letter to each of us. Sometimes the spoken word is difficult for us. What a treasure we will have for years to come when our loved ones depart and we have their feelings and words to reflect upon.

Sometimes we don’t capture the “moments.” Such as when our children say the cutest and funniest things! If you are a parent, I know you can relate. We think we will remember…well, we don’t! I did write down some of those things…I just can’t remember where I filed that paper…I know it’s here in the house…SOMEWHERE! 

So my advice, get a beautiful box, chest or trunk, and some pretty paper and every time your kids do something cute or funny jot it down and put it in your BOX. And don’t forget… sometimes we have an ephiphany or two of our own… write those down too, and then some time, grab a quiet night and open your box or boxes…and enjoy those quite times alone. You can reminisce, cry, laugh, and enjoy right where you are. Oh, and I suggest you indulge in your favorite drink and treat, a coke zero and a cookie would accompany me, along with a pack of dogs.

Roxee, Dozer, Zion...Lucy had not joined us when this was taken... and they are not as obedient since she has! We are working on things. Puppies. :)

Happy Birthday Baby

My baby turns 20 today! No more teenagers? I’m not sure if I should celebrate or cry.

Tandin, this beautiful child has always been a joy. Actually, I take that back, I can think of times playing golf with him when he was 9 or 10 that was miserable because if he was not playing well, we ALL paid. He has always had high expectations of himself and the pressure he would put on himself, was and always will be, much worse than what we as his parents could ever impart. Maybe this is typical of the youngest in the family?

Tan is in the civil engineering program at the University of Utah and is considering a double major in architecture. It is all highly confusing to me.I look at his homework in complete awe. He is a very intelligence boy and I laugh that I bore this beautiful child. I find it unusual that his sensitive and emotional side is highly developed as well. Traditionally, what we find with the “techy people” is they are less emotionally in tune with themselves and others. Contraire for Tandin, he is the go-to person for advice with friends, and he is very much aware of our family and how it all spins. The nice thing about my Tan is he seems to keep it all in check. He is an excellent observer. We have coined the word “Tandinism”, because even at the tender age of 20, he seems to create rare passages of wisdom that have great depth, meaning and humor all in one. My blog is actually full of Tandinism’s. This boy seems to have this subtle, powerful effect everywhere he goes.

I look forward to the next 20 years of loving this boy, seeing his dreams come true, watching him build his buildings and share more of his subtle insights that so powerfully affect everyone around him…particularly me…Happy birthday baby!

tHe dYsFunCtioNaL FaMilY CHriStMaS stOrY

Last night we had our annual Christmas party at my mom's house. My mom's adorable small little house is always decked out as only she can do with her festive decorations. We grownups anticipate her cooking like the little kids anticipate Santa.

Growing up, Christmas was a big thing. Tons of presents under the tree and we would get up during the night to open them because dad would often have to milk the cows at 5:00 a.m. and we did not want to wait until he got finished. When my kids were little it was a bit more reasonable, the hour landed between 6:00-8:00 a.m.. It would have been later, but I couldn't stand it any longer! I always had to get the kids up! Unbelievable how these 3 little boys could sleep when they knew Santa had come!!

Christmas changes when the kids have all grown, and there are no grandchildren. Yes, I have the dogs, but somehow they just haven't gotten the whole idea quite yet, other than Dozer stealing one particular stuffed animal reindeer off of the tree that he insists is his!










So to prove craziness runs in my family here is one of the highlights of Christmas for our dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY. The Christmas Story, knocked off from "Twas the Night Before Christmas" and it is authored by my sister, Sherry and her satirical son Ryan. Believe me Ryan has no mercy and holds no bounds! Sherry keeps the reigns on him...and they fight a bit, and we laugh, laugh A LOT, while the writing is going on!!



The story this year was six pages. There is a lot of roasting in the family to dish out, it is all in fun. Sherry and Ryan spend HOURS, and this is their gift to the family. Wow, HOURS of love and laughter about our families silly quirks. If you didn't love someone, you wouldn't spend time caring what they did!

Sometimes it may seem judgmental, believe me, if there is any judgment it is out of complete love. We know things about each other, sometimes more than other families, maybe that's good, maybe that's bad, whatever it is, it just is. Every family has certain dynamics. I love each and every person in my family for who they are, their strengths and weakness. My idiosyncrasies get aired plenty and I know everyone loves me through all of them. Have they judged me? Sure. But in the end, they love me in spite of me. If they don't I have realized that's on them not me.

We have learned to laugh at ourselves through all our foibles, mistakes, illnesses, and tragedies. There are some sacred cows and we try to be sensitive to those. Yes we have hit some sensitive nerves before. I say "we" and I have not ever written anything, however I had been consulted on some things to say yay or nay to whether they go in or out. I'm usually pretty liberal because, believe me I've taken it in the shorts, between the eyes and everywhere else too!

In the end the story goes that we love and we love hard. Yes we ARE the definition of a dYsFunCtioNal FaMilY, but tell me who is NOt? I find that those who are most judgmental towards others are towards themselves as well. This takes acute awareness, a GOOD STRONG LOOK IN THE MIRROR, for all we can ever change is ourselves.

I say look at yourself first and always, not other families and not people in your own family! What do you own? How do you function in your family? Do you contribute? How do you contribute? Are you a peacemaker? Do you take time, spend time? Do you love unconditionally? Are you fault finding? What can you do better towards your family? Because in THE END all there really is, is FAMILY...to be continued...

My Practical Mother is Shirley 67!

"There's been an explosion!" "Hurry come quick!" We all scamper to the shrieking sounds of my mother's voice and the string of Bangs going on downstairs!! No matter, mom is up to another one of her shenanigan's, this time she lit fireworks...just BEcause.?

This happened often growing up with mom. Fake poop, throw up, mice. Cigarette loads, the kind that went off in the guys face when they lit up at work. A string of compounded four letter words and ending with "Shirley!" would ensue. She had a reputation. My mom loved to play practical jokes...it runs in the family. And we loved it! Many stories to tell...

Oh and speaking of story telling, she can hang with the best of 'em. When she tells a story she is so animated and giggly that you don't know what is more funny, her or the story!

My mom turns 67 today. She works nearly full time hours at our Salon & Day Spa. She has been faithfully dedicated by our side since one year after we opened. Twenty one years of working with your daughter and son-in-law--now that's dedication, or brain damage?!


Mom was also a young mother. I was her third, and last, at the tender age of 21. By that time she had proficiently learned how to cook, clean, can, sew, garden, and work in the fields during harvest season on the farm. This picture was taken last year on Thanksgiving Eve as she is trying to teach some of us the finer art of all her "KNOCK OUT COOKING". This woman can STILL work most 20 and 30 year old's under the table.


But as I look back at my mom's life and all she has been through what I love most about her is her resilience. My parents divorced after 37 years of marriage. Shortly thereafter her son was killed and her father also died. She sustained many losses and handled it with quiet grace. Never does she talk about herself unless asked, and even then she is more interested in you than in going on about herself. She will serve until she is exhausted.

The practical jokes have left our family for quite some time now...they are slowly coming back, time does heal and we are grateful.

Mom is the life blood of our family. She is principle oriented and is never afraid to stick up for what she believes is right. She is loved and respected for that, even when it was not popular under many circumstances. She does not like pomp and circumstance...and particularly if it is about her. Luckily my practical mother has practically NO SAY in what I blog about!

We can all learn a few things from this "generation". This breed who felt no entitlements, worked hard for every penny they earned, believes in going the extra mile when they do a job, and if a "job's worth doing, it is worth doing well. Both my parents taught me to work hard and now my children and I are the beneficiaries of such a wonderful example.

Happy birthday Mom and wishing you many many more. I love you, I love you, Shirley most surely I DO!!!

My Sister's FIFTY TWO--WOOT WOO?

There are times that I watch my sister or listen to her and I think, "IS THAT ME?!"

I smile because she IS my sister, I laugh because there is NOTHING I can do about it!!!


Today is Sherry's birthday, would you believe she is 52? I get tired of people thinking I am older than she is. I act older too. Not that that is any type of consolation. Sherry knows how to have fun and I LOVE being with her...we can laugh at the most STUPID things, which is usually ourselves. Better to laugh than cry. We do plenty of both!

If you really KNOW Sherry you LOVE her. She has a heart of gold. She will cheer for and try to protect the underdog, which is something we were taught by our parents. Sherry and I lost our only other sibling, our brother Dave 16 years ago. Since that time we have clung to each other in a way that is only understandable if you have gone through a similar experience. Trauma seemed to be our second cousin for quite some time, where you are always looking over your shoulder to see what terrible thing is going to happen next. It's an awful feeling, we still carry a bit of it around with us to this day.

It's a funny thing because when people look at Sherry they judge her...OH YES THEY DO! and it is so easy to justify yourself when you judge someone who looks like they have it all! Beautiful, Blond, Buxom, therefore she must be stupid, selfish and shallow. The story goes that within 30 seconds we will have made a judgment as to whether a person is rich or poor, married, divorced or single, how much education they have had, and what they may do for a living. Again, all within 30 seconds?!

We lived in a small community. We were not the family with the "right" last name, nor did our behaviors always score points with those who did have the "right" last name. Sherry and I both got married and had babies as teenagers. Dave hosted keg parties while my parents were out of town (some of those parents children with the "right" last names were at those parties :D). Were we judged, talked about? You better believe it! Did it hurt? Let me tell you the part that hurt the most...being the little sister and hearing adults talk badly about your siblings! Did they think that this was going to make me feel better? Shame on them!

When I think of the bond that we share with our siblings I cannot help thinking about a darling batch of puppies in the beginning stages of life--crawling all over one another, playing with abandon, hanging on their very mothers nipple for sustenance, and then so easily contented to sleep in any position wrapped around one another, upside down, draped over one another with no inhibition or expectation, just unabashed love. Why does this ever have to end?


Well we do grow up...we must get off the boob and go out into this big bad world. People will judge, but to know people is to love people. As a family we are better for our challenges and trials. No one will EVER know the struggles my BEAUTIFUL SISTER has been through, nor do they need to. If the truth be known we all have struggles and ONLY LOVE will heal...only love.

Happy Birthday Sis, I love YOU!!!

A Dose of White Narcissus

What an absolutely gorgeous wildflower, that denotes selfishness? If you have never heard of the term narcissism read on, you may learn something insightful. I thought it was interesting that Narcissism got notoriety amongst the wildflower family.

Let's be honest here, there is plenty of narcissism in my family. As I have said before, I am no expert in anything I blog (blab) about, unless it comes to the school of actually staring it in the face kind...I have been fortunate enough to have about 19 years of on again off again counseling with one of the most compassionate, insightful human spiritual beings I have come to know. What a benefit it has been in my life.

Sometimes narcissism is easy to spot and other times not so much. I do know some wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I'm not going to give advice on what to do with narcissistic people in your life. All I can say is, they are difficult, and rarely do they recognize their behavior and truthfully they can make life uncomfortable to downright painful for those around them...But if your life is miserable remember that is YOUR choice. You never change ANYONE but yourself. So you either live with it or leave it, or if you're the accommodating type, you live Your life around them. That's how it works. For better and worse, know the score.

Here are a FEW SIGNS of narcissism in its negative form:
They:
1) Need lots of admiration and attention from others
2) Feel a certain sense of entitlement
3) Feel the need to be unique or special in others eyes
4) More interested in their concerns than in yours
5) Want to control what you do and say
6) Pout
7) Fail to listen to you
8) Change the topic when you're talking about something that has emotional intensity for you
9) Manipulate you
10) Use emotional blackmail

There is a positive side of narcissism; yes we must have a certain dose of it to be healthy. I suppose we are always seeking for a good BALANCE in all things.

1) Have empathy
2) Have a sense of humor
3) Are creative
4) Able to delay gratification
5) Assumption of responsibility to self and others
6) A capacity to develop and maintain meaningful and satisfying relationships
7) A deep and broad range of emotional expressiveness (I like that one!)
8) Firm and clear boundaries

Fortunately or unfortunately when you look in the mirror you see a mixture of your parents staring back at you. Whether you want to admit it or not it's true! The real question is how aware of it are we, and which parts of them did we take the good, the bad or the ugly? Probably a little of all three?!

I worked with my mom for 20 years. Now she is just my mom and I like it that way. My sister is now my business partner and in many ways we are alike and in others we are totally opposite. My sister is my only living sibling. I guess it has been like having a double dose of watching me now that we spend so much time together... For better or worse, we definitely know the score and we always are on each other’s side 100 percent!

TANned Out

Tomorrow is March 5th. Tandin my baby turns 19. I get to take him to lunch, then we all get together to party like rock stars as we do so well in our family. He has been looking forward to getting an iPhone for sometime and this birthday looked like the day! However, being the free spirit and one who never wants to say "I wish I would have..." he will be taking off for So. Cal. on Saturday "until his money runs out" or class resumes at USU on March 16, which ever happen first.

This child of mine has been the organizer of fun for as long as I can remember. I am pretty sure if you were to sit down and talk to him about his life this far he would have very few regrets. He values family, friends and experiences. He is taking his education seriously and this little window of time to relax is well worth putting off that iPod (now he just needs so.cal money)!!

I learn a lot from my boys. Tan has always been so level headed, and also had this uncanny ability to seize the moment. His sheer intelligence and sense of balance makes me feel safe when I am around him. When we had our boat several years ago he was the caretaker even though he was the youngest. He has an eclectic set of personality traits. When I think of him I smile. He is humorous beyond, but he has to be in the mood and you have to be sharp enough to catch it.


Tandin does not repeat things. If you didn't catch it the first time then, well you are pretty much SOL. His mind works at lighting speed and if can keep up it's interesting and fun. If not you're just TANned out with the many others...

My Big BLUe Berry Pie Mouth

Oh my I have been acting not so smart! In fact all this awareness that I speak of...ummm, not doing so well. I certainly did not wake up and think, "How am I going to enable this that is really not good for this person I love so much?" I did not see it! My heart is good, at least I think it is. Sometimes emotions are just SO strong and we do what we think is best given the information we have at hand, and where WE are at emotionally at the time, plays into it as well. I'm not perfect and last time I checked you didn't have to be either. Now there's a consolation.

How difficult it is to be a parent sometimes and yet it is the greatest joy we will ever know...and suffer. And we do it willingly and we would do it over and over again because of the great reward of the purest love their is of parent and child.

Maybe in your circumstances it does not seem this way. It can also be the cause of one of the most painful and confusing unresolved issues that we deal with or rather do NOT deal with over a life time. I believe if we don't deal with it at some point and fix it, it gets handed down from generation to generation. Thus the label dysfunctional family was born! I haven't met a dysfunctional family I haven't liked. Come to think of it I haven't met a family that is not dysfunctional!

I'm so sorry for the dumb things I have said and done lately. I am sometimes a 'know-it-all' in some areas of life, other areas I'm as dumb as a rock. I just got humbled and as my husband says (or some sports talk show host that he listens to too much ;)) SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE! In which he knows I really would much rather eat a big piece of BLUe berry pie!

The Fear Flower Factor

I have not been a TV watcher for several years. When I was, Fear Factor was one of the programs that we watched occasionally. I guess being in a house full of boys that was one that would draw the crowd. Now the segment where the participants had to eat THINGS was of particular amusement to me. I really hate sensationalism and this was to me, 'sensationalism' at its finest. Menu: Eyeballs, worms, sour goat milk mixed with bull testicles, (oh, I'm fixing that tomorrow for dinner, everyone welcome r.s.v.p. in the comment box).

This picture is of Peppermint. Doesn't it give you a Warm Feeling? That is what Peppermint stands for. Isn't that what this season is meant for? To bring about warm feelings for one another? For all man kind???

A man was trampled to death at a retail store on black Friday by crowds FEARING they would not be the ones to win the deal. Yes, this is true, it happened in our country! I quote from an article out of the New York Times, "I think it ties into a sort of fear and panic of not having enough." I ask, when is enough ENOUGH?

We have often said in our family "if money can fix it, it's NOT a PROBLEM". Losing your health, that's a problem! Losing a loved one, that's a problem! Perspective, losing that, IS a problem! Fighting within a family, that's a problem! You CAN be poor and be happy. Ego and Fear get in the way of so many many things. I have a lot of personal experience with both.

I have 'chats' with myself many nights as I lay down to sleep and it goes something like this...How well did you show LOVE today? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well apparently Fear has been a Factor for you today. Try again tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Within the Silver Lining

Happy Birthday Beautiful Child of Mine! T.J.(Tyson Joe) we call him Teej, I'm into one syllable names, is 28 years old today. I actually had him the day before Thanksgiving. So at 17 years old I spent my Thanksgiving in the hospital. I remember after I had him I was so excited so to celebrate I ate the hospitals Thanksgiving dinner shortly after delivery, in which it came up as quickly as it went down.

Even though at 16 I was devastated to find myself pregnant this child was the delight of my life. We seemed to form a bond early in life possibly because I was a child raising a child. He intuitively was so concerned for me and I was a protective Mother Bear of him. When he was 3 years old we lived with my parents and he played his rendition of happy birthday to me on the piano including vocals. Priceless!

I would say that life has not been easy for Tj or even for me for that matter. I'm not crying the blues one bit, what I am saying is that this IS LIFE. We have been very happy through the challenges. Happiness is a CHOICE. Bitter and ornery people are a pain.

My sister shared something with me just the other day that I thought was very profound: What are you willing to let go of in order to get what you want. T.J. had to let go of a drug habit. This is a big question for many of us. One that I suggest we all contemplate...

T.J.'s journey has only just begun, he has his whole life ahead of him and it looks as if amongst his tough beginning there is a silver lining...

A Grey Kind of Week

good times I remember photo album

I needed to remember some good times with my family...it has been a grey kind of week. I miss my boys terribly. The house has been quiet. I have already drug Christmas out! It may seem early, however the older you get time goes by that much faster and when December gets here, I don't want to miss one thing with my family or friends!

I love the holidays. I love playing the same Christmas songs every year. I love the Yankee Balsam Fir Candle. I love dressing up the dogs in Christmas sweaters. I love my mom's fruit cake. I love to play games with my family and I love to hear the famous family Christmas story written by my sister and her son, Ryan. The most wicked, sarcastic roast taken from the outline of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Everyone basically takes it in the shorts and there is really nothing off limits. They usually call me to see if I think it is "ok", which most everything gets the thumbs up from me.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but I love the holidays because of the good memories and the closeness I feel with those I love.

We need those around us that we love to help us when we are weak. I am weak right now and can't quite shake all the grey out of me.