Steppin' Up

To BE RESPONSIBLE! And whom are we responsible to i ask? Is it to our parents, boss, employees, children, spouses, siblings, friends, teachers, coaches? And what are we truly responsible for?

ahhh, if only it worked this way....

I will be drafting a "responsibility/ job description" for myself, my manager and my new to-be-hired front desk coordinator this weekend. After 25 years of business this is definitely no new task, but things change, in business and in life, so we go back to the drawing board, so to speak. If others change, I believe i step up to the plate and change too. It's not always easy, it is what is required for success and happiness. It's never about changing who we ARE or our integrity, it is about personal growth and taking on the challenges life sets before us.

I ask... "In life what am i really responsible for? Now? right now, because that's all that matters." Again things change. They always do. My boys are grown, does that make me less responsible as a mother? I think not! I just parent differently now. The days of reminding them to brush their teeth are over, if they haven't learned that by now, they ain't never be gettin' married cause they's be havin' bad breath! 

These days i talk with my boys several times a week, i know what is going on in their lives, what troubles them, what successes they are having, how their relationships are going, the days of 'shoulding' all over them are over. I mourn with them and i celebrate with them. I laugh with them and i cry with them.  My 3 boys live life deeply and i share it with them. How lucky and how blessed am i that they allow me in!

I had a conversation with a friend the other night, a truly wonderful friend. True friends are the ones who you can count on to be: in your face honest with you, not pass judgment, there for you during good times and bad, love you in spite of yourself, and above all, you know you can trust them to have your back--no matter what. These friends are few, Cherish them and be responsible to their loyalty.

I take care of myself now. All the Fall Guys have left, and in truth, there never really was one. In truth, be careful, cause there never really is, unless you believe in God.

A caution to women, you MUST have a means of taking care of yourself and your family if necessary...things change...and then again...some things never do, 

What's hiding be Hind the Expert?

  It is a Sunday afternoon; I sit peacefully in my living room with Zion faithfully at my feet.

 

Crazy times with fam at 4th of July parade

It has been a week full of fun, laughing, visiting family, talks with my boys, long hours working, disappointment and hope.

I have attended parades, parties,
been in a court room, conducted meetings, reconciled bank accounts, posted payroll and played affectionately with the Grandogs.

I have wondered...the Ups and down(er)s of life, "are we pro-active or re-active to them?" I ask myself this question and i ask it of those i choose to be involved with. You may do the same?

I live deeply and passionately, no matter the direction life is taking. I love life. I am blessed with spirit and challenges that exercise my strengths. I ask myself, "what and whom am i responsible to? How can i improve my life and positively effect and influence those around me?" Being pro-active in the affirmative to answering these questions make me happy, even if circumstances and situations are not perfect.

You JUST MAY not know EVERYTHING

I don't live in a perfect world. If you do, could you invite me in to visit for but a moment? Interesting question because everyone has their own definition of "perfect" and possibly, just possibly... everyone views it differently?! What i find interesting and quite comical in a room full of 'EXPERTS' on any given subject is, how arrogant and opinionated they may become!

To put oneself in another persons shoes is compassion. To evaluate or judge without experience is egotism.

As for me, I am approaching my 49th birthday with great zeal, knowing that the more i learn the less i know; the more life i face willingly the more authentic i become.





I wish you enough challenges to make you strong;

enough humble pie to teach you to cry,

enough sun and children in your life to make you smile...











and of course...a dog that pierces your heart so even when you're grumpy, you feel love. All ways.

















Lori~

It Is Time

...to let go...

No One Cares!

I've been writing this silly blog called WildflowersandWeeds for 4 years. Why DO I blog? Well if ya really wanna know, i say it plainly, right there in the column...by the cute little picture of me with my cute little bulldog grandog and our cute little smiles!!! 

 But then again, no one cares about my blog! It's my therapy, and no body else need apply!

Why do people blog? Do they want to be heard (I like to be heard). I wonder if that many people's opinions really matter? Do we want to use big words (i like big words), or possibly not? It is a way to display intelligence or shall i say, lack thereof? Or is it that we want memories documented and archived for all posterity? It is an awfully convenient and colorful way to put our best face forward and prove once and for all that you have in fact, far superseded the Jones! 

I think a great blog would be, on second thought, never mind. No One Cares!

And why do we post weird stuff on facebook?... Like "I'm so heart broken...blah blah, sniff sniff." I do like a good family feud in the news feed- status updates, it is much better than ridiculous political rhetoric i hear incessantly.

And YouTube, now there's an interesting concept. Who ever thought to put on the world wide web, instructions on things like: purging, how to make a bomb, self harm, and let's not leave out, tattooing with a needle AT HOME?!

I think i'll just stop. Here.

Be Not Afraid

I know a few people, and really it's VERY few, that just don't give a damn what other people think.

They live out loud. I like that.

BE NOT AFRAID

Remembering Roxee

Why do we bond with some things, some creatures, some people? How does this happen? Is it in the serving, the trusting, the unconditional love? Is there bonds so great that there is firm assurance that one would never hurt the other?

Tandin & Roxee's bond

When T.J. and I picked up Roxee she had been neglected and abused. She was 18 months old and very sick. She had little to no trust. She stayed hidden in the closet most of the time. Then came Dozer, bounding in at 10 weeks old, the two of them were the same size... for about a week. I suppose dogs have a language of their own and even though Dozer grew the first year outweighing her by 7 times, they rolled and wrestled often. Roxee's entire head would be lightly clenched in Dozer's mouth after the incessant nipping he took on the face from her. Ahhh, Bonding at its best. 

"Roxee, where you goin' now?"

Rarely did i ever see Roxee anywhere without Dozer close behind watching over her. I believe he always knew the trouble she could get in with her persnickety personality, and she certainly wasn't big enough to get herself out of trouble. He loved being her #1 man on patrol.

 We diapered her.

And we pet her when she begged.

We laughed at how she waited for summers to come.

And I bonded with her.

One year ago on May 21, T.J.'s home caught on fire and we lost two of our family members, Roxee and Dozer. They bonded with us... and they helped us bond together as a family. 

Our TwoYeawhoo's will be forever missed and never forgotten...

...I was wishing i had the little sausage dog breathing in my face tonight...

Spirituality Defined

No Inspiration Yes Gratitude

I write purely if I am inspired, and if I feel passion or something has touched me. 

I do not recall any inspiration during the past couple of months. There have been things that have touched me, yet they are too personal to share in a public format.

Today is really no different, yet gratitude is something i feel and i feel it in loaders full....

...for today i am grateful for my heritage of learning hard work on the farm from wonderful parents. 

I return to the farm as often as time permits now. 

I am grateful for all 3 of my parents, Mom, Dad and Mom2 all pulling together for our family in a differently structured way. Mom & Mom2 talk together, grand kids swing on the same swings I grew up on.

I am grateful for a new Phazes staff that has regrouped and come together. I definitely know talent and love that comes from passion kicking in... when I am lacking it.

I am grateful for true friends that come from years past...many years past...that love and accept, in spite of all that is said, or may not be said, that may look good, or may not look good, that is real or may not be real.

I am grateful for short loving text messages of encouragement. I am grateful for long personal email messages of those who align with certain things i have experience in my life and then they are brave enough and they, reach out.

I am grateful for dogs. My 3 new granpups, Kamakazi PAC, Cayenne and Ducati.

Another pillow bite the dust

No Bulldog here not LOVED liked CRAZY!!!

  Dozer and Roxee whose memory keeps a smile on my face... and still a tear in my eye. 


                                                           

                                     And Zion my faithful companion, never, no never ever, very far from my side.

I am grateful for 3 boys that call me Mom. All different. All beautiful. All respectful. All dog lovers.

Tandin & Baby PAC

Chase & baby Cayenne

T.J. & baby Ducati

 All completely connected BODY and SOUL...to me.

Depression: Do you get it?

I have struggled to get out of bed the past two months. Pushing myself to take care of business has been daunting. I am blessed to have a staff that is supportive and understanding of both my situation and my chemical challenges. Situational depression is one thing, chemical depression is altogether another. It invades my thoughts, my ability to rationalize and takes away hope. If you have experienced this you understand. If not you will be critical, think that if she "ate better, exercised, took vitamins, prayed harder, went to church, wasn't getting divorced, worked more, worked less, wasn't going to school, just went to school and gave up her business, gave up school and just ran her business, got in the outdoors, will feel better when it's summer, reached out more"...and on and on and on it goes. The advice and know-it-all-do-gooder's are endless. I appreciate them. They mean well. 

Mangy damned black dog

Everyone has an opinion, everyone has good intentions of what another SHOULD do with their lives. I take no offense, they're probably right, I've tried them all! And I still seem to catch this damned black dog. Hate him, loathe him, fear him much much more than death...but endure him I shall!

For those of you who now, or any time in the past, have experienced depression in any degree, my deepest love and compassion goes out to you. I get it and this too shall pass.

Zion. Look at the compassion in her eyes. By my side for 9 years.

My only advice today, get a dog. ;) Good for the soul, depression or not.

Home and my Heart

Home. What defines home to you? And why is it so important? Is it the actual place? The memories, the people, the smells, the food, the history? It's all of those things and more...and it can change...and it can be in the past. It is in the past in a matter of minutes, whether we can allow it to be or not is our choice.

I try not to live in the past. It's a discipline. I try also not to live in the future. It's a discipline. Life changes and we make home where our heart is...where love is. Love, true authentic love that is easily exchanged. No conditions. No expectations, it's a journey getting there. Life is a journey and i have learned many many lessons on the way...and i am still learning them.

i posted this blog Long Way Home four months ago. Since that time i have moved to another home and i love it... Moving? Hate it. Enough said.

 This is the home where i grew up:

Not much has changed in the front yard, other than the trees have gotten bigger.

A lot has changed in the back yard. The dairy farm is gone. Allen Horseplay stables now are home for 40-50 horses. 

This is the home where all 3 of my boys grew into beautiful men:

Many girls came knocking at that front door for my 3 beautiful kind-hearted boys.

Soccer, volleyball, football, snowmen, and lots of dog chasing went on in this backyard.

T.J. my brave-loving-"make it happen" protector of the brood.





















                                                                 
Chase, my affectionate-loyal-loving-passionate mediator.








And Tandin, my calm-tender-hearted, stubborn intellectual. 

i love these boys with every fiber of my being. i would take a bullet for them without a seconds thought. They now establish their own homes and i follow them. It is as it should be. The proximity of my home does not matter, relatively speaking i have not moved much in my life, however it seems i have always taken the long road home. It is as it should be.

Friendship Life Lessons

A Christmas Perspective

Something may be taking place...right before you, in your life and your perception may be completely distorted or miscued. We live our lives through our own eyes and experiences. Of course!

To step out of your own box...your own shoes for a moment? is this possible in your realm???

I watch in awe as this painter, in a matter of a couple of minutes creates this...it's worth your time and reflection.

Beautiful & Amazing

What looks to be splatters of paint on a canvas, when turned upside down, becomes an entirely different picture altogether.

This morning I picked up my notebook that i have written goals, and journaled in over the last 10 years. I have written in it intermittenly, most of my journal is kept privately on my computer. I read through the entries and gained some rather important insight as to my growth. I am both humbled and proud of who i have become through the triumphs and the defeats of my life.

The insights i gained about my life and who i have evolved to be, because of my experiences brings me both elation as well as heart ache. Today i work diligently on living for today, in the moment, enjoying what i have, loving who is in my life and what i can do to serve and love those around me. Life is full and simple...and if i choose empty and complicated. It depends on the way i flip it.

This year i have not bought a single gift for Christmas, nor will i receive any either, and this is exactly as it should be. Each year is different, and love grows through experience, humility and perspective.

I wish you the happiest of holidays~

Christmas Light Braggin' Right

 Competition seems to happen in ALL neighborhoods.

I'm not very impressed with show off's and bragger's. 

I AM however, 

crazy about humorous folks with NO EGO...

sometimes it's hard to tell which is which.

And sometimes, not.

Voyage of Discovery

 

High Winds on the Yellow Brick Road

Last Thursday December 1, 2011 was an unusual day for Utahn's, particularly in Davis County. As I drove to and from the University of Utah I was thinking, "could I be in Kansas or better yet could I wake up in Oz?" But naaaa, no yellow brick roads around here, just another day of dodging shrapnel from the latest wind storm. This one was a bad one.

I-15 littered with semi-trucks on their sides.

Greasy side up!

Wrong place. Wrong time. Definitely.

So do you consider yourself lucky, unlucky, blessed, better, worse, privileged, ahhh, not so much if you were the owner of this car. How about the truck driver's who got the protected spots under the bridges? Lucky? Were they smart or did they get there first, maybe both.

As i tossed about in my low profile car quite confident, although shaky, i still felt safe. Then i thought about the vulnerability of these unsuspecting truck drivers innocently passing through this stretch of highway, only to be tipped completely over or halted for hours. The line of high profile trucks stopped along the side of the freeway was nearly comical. Do they still use CB's these days? "HEY good buddy, you got your ears on? Cuz there's a whole lotta greasy side up..."

As a child one of the scariest movies I watched repeatedly was the Wizard of Oz. I was terrified by the Wicked Witch, even though I knew the outcome, I still had that anxious and scared feeling throughout the movie. It has taken me a life time, as i now close in on 50 to face my fears, step up to all my responsibilities, and weather out the storms that come when least expected. I suppose I have always had this strength, I just now earned enough life lessons to get my red ruby slippers.

These things skip through my mind...are some born wearing red ruby slippers? Does this entitle them to privileges above others? Do some never get any slippers at all, possibly because they never even considered they were good enough to wear slippers, let alone red ruby ones? What entitles or differentiates one soul from another? I may have to travel to Oz to figure that one completely out. 

One thing I do know, Dorothy was lucky to have Toto...