Stray Black Dogs Do Survive

With each episode of depression I always seem to go through a similar routine. It is a power struggle of mind body and soul. Nothing wins. The first emotion when it hits is absolute horror; because this crap hurts in every way. Your physical body fights with your mental and emotional being, and every relationship you have is compromised.

I retreat until the worst of it is over. Then I begin the process of looking for more answers and support systems to help me and my loved ones to better understand and find more ways of managing and coping with this illness. This particular time I found some great internet sites which I have posted as resources. I also found a blog called Stray Black Dog. He is from the UK and calls himself a "depressive". I am sad that he labels himself this. I do not see myself as a "bi-polar". I admit his entries are terribly depressing and the people who leave comments give him plenty of advice of which I am certain they mean well. Now here is my advice...when wanting to really help and truly care about others ONLY offer advice when asked for it, otherwise just LISTEN.

I think when we try to solve other people’s problems, we certainly mean well, but we have disempowered them.

Even stray black dogs can and do survive out in the wild...

Back from Black

I have been sick. Generally when I am sick I still write or journal, getting words out helps to purge my soul. This time I couldn't. This time was different. This time I cried. This time I slept. Cried and slept. Then the self-loathing started to kick in and the ruminating...too many hours when your mind is not right. I know this cycle--been there before--yes, and probably unfortunately may go there again? I always hope for the best and with each episode I learn something and try to recommit to manage myself better so those worst’s are minimized.

There is oftentimes a certain level of denial that goes with this illness. I was officially diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 5 years ago; this last year in particular, I wanted to blame many situations on my mood fluctuations. Although my situations were and are not perfect, it is unfair for me to find blame or fault for my situations and/or illness for any unhappiness and dissatisfaction in my life. Certainly situations do affect my mood and my mental health. Having a clear and healthy unbiased perspective on my life takes some soul searching. I have been able to do that and I am grateful and find myself heading in a much better direction now.

I am particularly grateful for my husband of nearly 25 years for his love, devotion and incredible understanding of me. We have weathered many many storms together...I love you Kell!!

This crash was so NOT FUN. It is good to be Back from Black.

Bloomin' Ego

Wow it seems my ego blooms several times a year! The only thing that seems to get mine in check is a good humility call.

Just wondering...does any of this grow in your garden?

~Complaining and reactivity are favorite mind patterns through which the ego strengthens itself. For many people, a large part of their mental-emotional activity consists of complaining and reacting against this or that. By doing this, you make others or a situation "WRONG" and yourself "RIGHT". Through being "right" you feel SUPERIOR, you strengthen your sense of self. In reality, of course, you are only strengthening the illusion of ego.~ Eckhart Tolle

Wow what a Bloomin' Mind Trap...

Red Wrong

Some may say that I am quite forth coming with my personal life; that I blog or blabber about things that make most people uncomfortable. I think I am actually READ WRONG quite often and have been since I was a teen. The truth is I have been very private and quiet about my inner most feelings and happenings in my life.

I AM drawn to a deep conversation or talking to someone about their life and their challenges. I am happiest when I am close to others and feel as though I have purpose and can impart those same feelings of purpose, worth and happiness in others. For others to feel totally loved and accepted in my presence is important to me. I know what it feels like to be in a place where you are not accepted, and it hurts!

If I had a dime for every time my mom says, "The bible says...", we tease her but we also love her beautiful spirit. The bible does say, do unto others as you would have done unto you.

It's so simple, but it does require some AWARENESS, it certainly doesn't come natural. At least it doesn't for me.

I took a color code test and it say I'm a Red, I think it's wrong!:) If you've never taken one of these tests I strongly recommend it.

Peachy

Do you have any resentments? I am working through some long time resentments; resentments that I've had that have been placated or buried for so long I hardly knew they existed, or if i did I was frightened to let them be known. As they come to the surface, at times, my heart literally feels as if it is going to burst in two. I then try to go to a safe place, become very still from within, accept all that is, have faith in a better tomorrow, and let things BE.

This is a discipline I have learned the last few years. Sometimes I am better at it than others. This means of healing and self nurturing is something I value very much.

There are a couple of favorite books I keep handy and will ponder certain quotes from--these two I particularly like...

Know your limits, not so that you can honor them, but so that you can SMASH them to pieces and reach for magnificence. Cherie Carter-Scott

There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Life may not always be PEACHY, but think of ALL the great things you can make with peaches!

Simply Purple

My friends I have found that the best journey is going inside yourself. The roads are generally quite smooth except for the rocks that we throw in front of the path...certainly not all, but many...

If we have faith our tears and the love from friends and family will be enough.

Beautiful things can emerge through the cracks if we let them.

No Green?

There is a lot of talk about bankruptcy, foreclosures and the economy going on. I can hear it on the news now as I write this. Has this humbled us as a country? Has this changed us as people at all?

I for one could not answer that as to what the impact has been on the public. I guess I could check the stats on spousal abuse, child abuse, divorce rates, rape, all the awful moral things we don't like to know or talk about but seem to increase during times of duress. It's not the impersonal statistics that I am interested in. They don't tell the real stories. I'm wondering if it hurts you in the pocket book does it hurt you in your relationships? if so, how? If you could put a camera on yourself for a day, three days, maybe a week, what would YOU LEARN about YOU???

We are all quick to defend ourselves, but what good does that do? There really is no need! These are tough times. Tough times for many. If the economy happens to have not affected you, it certainly has affected someone you love. This IS the time we need each other most, yet tempers are short, judgments are strong, defenses are high and relationships are battered, bruised and scarred.

Do the cupboards have to get bare from war? Do we have to be forced to live together by government? How tough does it have to get to realize that we need each other? These things have happened in history, do we need a repeat to get it? Harsh?? How tough does it have to get to realize we need each other?????????? As families, neighbors, communities and as a country. I am still amazed at how awful we can be to the ones deep down we love the most. There can be a fine line between love and hate. When emotions run high all common sense runs low.

Love is ALWAYS the answer!!!!!! And you can't BUY LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Black Bottoms Up

They say, "You have to hit rock BOTTOM." Who are "They?" What is bottom? If we've hit it, will we know it? How many times will we hit it, just once, twice, seventy times seven? My son said this phrase recently...and I am afraid to say that yes, we do have to hit the bottom in life sometimes. How hard and how often, no one knows, and...I suppose it is all a matter of what life deals us and our perspective. Ahh, the old perspective thing again.

It matters NOT how many times we hit bottom really, for how can we compare ourselves with those who lived to tell about the holocaust, Vietnam, slavery, the depression? What matters is that we always get our bottoms back up. This is what makes the man or woman.

I wonder sometimes about the huge smiles that are on the faces of those who seem to have so little, yet find joy. I love that.

White Lines of L.A.

I am riding in my car watching the white lines zip by anxious to be home, maybe 10 hours from now. I also am thinking about the last two weeks of being on the road...

L.A. has a personality of its own. There is not the electric feel in downtown L.A. like Manhattan where we were in January earlier this year.

We have been carefully assessing and reviewing many lines of handbags, belts, jewelry, clothing etc., for our new Internet business. But the lines on the freeways or what fashion lines to carry are not what is foremost on my mind.

My sister has had the opportunity to travel and meet a wide variety of people. She is always gracious and poised in all situations. I have traveled very little and kept to a close knit circle of friends. We are both naturally outgoing and try to be loving and accepting of everyone.

With that being said I find myself at this time in my life having to make the lines very clear as to what I will and will not do. As for me, I am a people pleaser and if I haven't drawn the line clearly beforehand, it can be erased rather quickly. That has proved to be a detriment.

I find I am an adapter. I am also a grey person and it is time for me to draw the white lines.

A Different Sort of Black Dog--A Happy One

Today is Sunday and I have spent the day rejuvenating in my hotel in L.A. while my sister spent some time with friends. I was cleaning up one of my email accounts from my laptop and came across a note I had sent to myself a while ago. When I read it to Sherry (my sis) she encouraged me to post it. I shall.

How many Judges do you REALLY have Lori? One--yourself and you are hard and difficult. Why? Now that you know, get rid of that judge and replace it with a protector.

The whole world can love me, but what really makes me happy is when I share the love inside of me and share it with the world.

I am only responsible for my half of any relationship. I cannot and do not try to change people, to try to is futile and disrespectful. If my relationships are not working I explore other possibilities within the relationship based on respect and love.

Open and honest communication is key, based on respect and love for myself and the other person. Without it the relationship will falter, especially for me. I need depth and closeness in my relationships.

I will recognize the difference between FEAR and conditions, and expectations, and the ease of LOVE and no drama.

There is an interconnectedness in all things. As life unfolds we see one event leads to another, one feeling leads to another. We realize or at least we hope we come to accept that things are as they should be. Have we kicked against it and let ourselves be miserable martyrs, have we done the right things, have we followed our hearts?

Has and is my suffering necessary?

Yes, until I get my ego in check I will always suffer. Humility calls come frequent, I learn something (insight). But there always seems to be more...

If I could be as care-free, fun-loving, non-assuming, non-judgmental, easy going as my dogs...I would be as care-free, fun-loving, non-assuming, non-judgmental, easy going and happily uncomplicated as they are too!

Dogs and Brown Butterflies

I try, I try very very hard at what ever I do. I never give up easily, actually I don't give up, I think of things as shifting positions...just as a dog would do if he was chasing butterflies.

I get attached to things, symbols, they become reminders to me. It's not the things themselves, it's the feeling that goes with them. Recently I have taken a liking to butterflies and so in the process of creating a cosmetic line for our new business we will be launching on the Internet soon, I named all of the lipsticks, eyeshadows and blushes after flowers and butterflies. It was quite a process but one that was meaningful and fun for me. This business has been brought about by love, through love, during some very trialsome times for my sister and me. We have laughed our way through most of it! Cried our way through some of it and our patient, no kidding, military colonel background partner has supported us 100% through it all. The guy is a non-emotional genius that now says he is very aware of color coordination and PMS.

Our new company is called "Never Forgotten Statements"! It's a mouthful and it says a lot! It says a lot about what a women should, could and wants to be when she walks into a room. She does not want to be forgotten. The worst thing in life is to be ignored, it equates to you mean nothing. Every man, woman and child means so much and we can reach out and make someone feel special by recognizing them with such little gestures. Maybe that is why I like Dogs and Butterflies...they do it so easily...

April Showers Bring Yellow May Flowers

There are some things I seem to be eternally drawn to since I was a teenager, Spring because it brought Summer. Flowers, especially Daisies. Groups like America and Three Dog Night, and songs like Something in the Way She Moves by James Taylor (love his clear and simple voice), and the classic, Pieces of April by Three Dog Night. This video is sappy and I love it.

Words from Pieces of April:

April gave us Springtime and the promise of the flowers and the feeling that we both shared and the love that we called ours.

We knew no time for sadness that's a road we each had crossed We were living a time meant for us and even when it would rain we would laugh it off.

We stood on the crest of summer beneath an oak that blossomed green.
Feeling as I did in April not really knowing what it means.

But it must be now that you stand beside me to make me feel this way. Just as I did in April but it's a morning in May.

I've got pieces of April I keep them in a memory bouquet, I've got pieces of April but it's a morning in May.

I'm 45 now, no longer that carefree teenager. My memory bouquet is large, beautiful and colorful, but it is sick of the rain and is in need of some fresh mountain air and maybe I can find some of my Sunshine there too...

I hope you find your bouquet of flowers in the sunshine of your life, sprinkled with a little shower...now and then.

White Water Cool and Cleansing

I love the water but I am also afraid of it. I love change but I also resist it. I would say that this is characteristic of most people? Yes? I needed a change from the garish colors I hastily chose in my inexperience and excitement to begin blogging nearly a year ago (purple, green & hot pink, EWE). This template background was another quick choice and...I quite like it...a LIGHT HOUSE, with SHADES OF GREY as a backdrop.

If I had my choice I would always spend time in the mountains before the ocean, however the symbolism of a light house means something to me at this phase of life.

Happiness never comes from outside of us. We "should" (HA) know we are responsible for our own happiness. I sometimes think we expect our spouses, or our children, or our parents to make us happy. We even shift this responsibility of pseudo happiness onto friends and maybe even partying at times. We put off being happy until this happens or that happens. Until I get this job, this house, lose this much weight. I also think that we practice and then master how to be what we are not. Why do we do this? I have seen so many motivations, reasons and fears played out, why, because I think I have done them all!

A lighthouse is strong and stalwart. It stands up through all storms and leads others to them by being steady and unwavering. It knows where it is at all times.

I'm 45. I've been lost in the mountains before. I've also been down in the abyss at sea. I have resurfaced and now I want to be a LIGHT HOUSE. Lofty goal? You should meet my parents. My family, amazing people, odd beaters. And we STILL love each other through quite a few trials... Love each other LIKE CRAZY!!!!!!

I believe we are born with the right to be happy, with the right to enjoy life. I did not say all the time for I believe we learn through our trials. But what about surrendering all those ideas about being what you are not, and become WHO you really are deep inside. I think you know if there is polarity inside yourself. When you surrender to the real You, You surrender to Life.

Words adapted from a song I love...

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap it's arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it's like to be new

I work on this every day. It matters to me that I am real.
Everything comes at a price... including Cool Clear Water.

A Wild Red Radish to Shut Up

Believe me I don't really have any interest in weeds! But sticking with my theme and trying to draw a parallel to life's lessons I guess has brought me all the way to the ground. So here are some words that were used to describe the Wild Radish: pithy, spongy, and irregular to name a few!

So here is what's on my mind...rather what seems to be on every bodies FREAKIN' mind, the economy. OMH, we know it, we should have known it, we have been over spending for way too long, But enough is enough! Can we talk about, read about or listen to something else?

When you enable bad behavior that is what you get bad behavior!

If the economy has got you down shut it off! I didn't say stick your head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist, all I am saying is focus on what you DO have control or impact on in your little world, count your blessings and CHOOSE to be happy in spite of the bombardment of negativity in the media.

My mom fixed salads all the time when I was growing up and she would put those pesky little red radishes in her salads. I just learned to work around them. I'm trying to do the same with all this "over- abundance" of talk about the economy. I know it's tough, but how many times a day do I need to be reminded?

I could have a radish once a month and that would be just about right for my taste.

Dr. C. Periwinkle & Me

Dr. C. my "psych" is retiring. Today will be my last visit with him.
The primary purpose for a psychiatrist is to 1) diagnose mental illness 2) prescribe medication 3) monitor progress/goals of medication prescribed.

The days of lying on the couch and discussing your PROBLEMS with a psych would be umm, antiquated! My appointment lasts about 30 minutes.We discuss my med's, my moods and then with Dr. C. we get to the important stuff...our dogs, philosophizing, relating about life and all we have learned on our journey called life.

I have had a few psych's, but none like Dr. C. To pin point what makes this Doc different, memorable, and one that will always hold a spot in my heart, here is one example: Simple phone calls..."Lori, this is Dr. C. your appointment was 10 minutes ago and I can't treat you if you're not here. I care about you and want to know how you are doing." I was at the check in counter!

My first visit with Dr. C. actually was nearly 3 hours long and it seemed as though he had studied my 'file' for 3 hours before our visit. He had many questions, many insights and many observations from past treatments I had received. No bull this Doc cared, he did his homework and then furthermore LISTENED to me and what I felt was best with my med's. I studied a lot about anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, maoi- inhibitors, and mood stabilizers prior to my official diagnosis of bi- polar. Dr. C and I always worked as a team. There was trust between us. I shared with him what I was experiencing, he taught me about the illness and I have been the beneficiary.

Obtaining good psychiatry these days is difficult. There are so few psychiatrists and it takes months to get into them and frankly people don't like to flaunt that they go to one! Humm that's funny?! I for one don't want to trust my mental health to someone who practices, key word, they are all PRACTICING, the entire body or my female organs. I want someone who "specialized in the brain". Thus, yup I have a brain disorder and I have a psyche!

Medication for mental illnesses are being prescribed like candy in every kind of office across the country as well as trying to be substituted in the health food stores by all kinds of homeopathic remedies. I am not here to say one is right or wrong. I will say beware, use caution and be an educated consumer and steward over your own body and mind. There are plenty of "Who Saids of the Greater Magnitude" out there either wanting your dime or boosting their ego...on your back and ignorance.

To Dr. C.,

The Periwinkle flower signifies sweet remembrance, yes that is what the memories in your office will be SWEET REMEMBRANCE...

A Dose of White Narcissus

What an absolutely gorgeous wildflower, that denotes selfishness? If you have never heard of the term narcissism read on, you may learn something insightful. I thought it was interesting that Narcissism got notoriety amongst the wildflower family.

Let's be honest here, there is plenty of narcissism in my family. As I have said before, I am no expert in anything I blog (blab) about, unless it comes to the school of actually staring it in the face kind...I have been fortunate enough to have about 19 years of on again off again counseling with one of the most compassionate, insightful human spiritual beings I have come to know. What a benefit it has been in my life.

Sometimes narcissism is easy to spot and other times not so much. I do know some wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I'm not going to give advice on what to do with narcissistic people in your life. All I can say is, they are difficult, and rarely do they recognize their behavior and truthfully they can make life uncomfortable to downright painful for those around them...But if your life is miserable remember that is YOUR choice. You never change ANYONE but yourself. So you either live with it or leave it, or if you're the accommodating type, you live Your life around them. That's how it works. For better and worse, know the score.

Here are a FEW SIGNS of narcissism in its negative form:
They:
1) Need lots of admiration and attention from others
2) Feel a certain sense of entitlement
3) Feel the need to be unique or special in others eyes
4) More interested in their concerns than in yours
5) Want to control what you do and say
6) Pout
7) Fail to listen to you
8) Change the topic when you're talking about something that has emotional intensity for you
9) Manipulate you
10) Use emotional blackmail

There is a positive side of narcissism; yes we must have a certain dose of it to be healthy. I suppose we are always seeking for a good BALANCE in all things.

1) Have empathy
2) Have a sense of humor
3) Are creative
4) Able to delay gratification
5) Assumption of responsibility to self and others
6) A capacity to develop and maintain meaningful and satisfying relationships
7) A deep and broad range of emotional expressiveness (I like that one!)
8) Firm and clear boundaries

Fortunately or unfortunately when you look in the mirror you see a mixture of your parents staring back at you. Whether you want to admit it or not it's true! The real question is how aware of it are we, and which parts of them did we take the good, the bad or the ugly? Probably a little of all three?!

I worked with my mom for 20 years. Now she is just my mom and I like it that way. My sister is now my business partner and in many ways we are alike and in others we are totally opposite. My sister is my only living sibling. I guess it has been like having a double dose of watching me now that we spend so much time together... For better or worse, we definitely know the score and we always are on each other’s side 100 percent!

A Thorny Rose Garden

I had such a beautiful talk with my niece this past weekend. She has been what I call 'cocooning' a lot lately. A condition I am rather familiar with. When some of us hurt we nurture ourselves by seeking out help, and some of us retreat and emerge when we feel better. I believe the truth is we all need someone close that we let in, that we can trust to help us through the rough spots in life, but timing is everything. I don't always do what I preach.

This little niece of mine has been hurting for a while now, and I knew it, but Friday just seemed to be the right day to visit.

The two if us are an awful lot alike and she went off her anti-depressant one year ago. I never said anything to her but encouraging words. Who of us wants to be on medication?

She started back on Zoloft, the anti-depressant she has taken for several years, two days before I paid my visit. As she reflected back on her year she shared a few insights with me. I'd like to share them with you. 1)She realized she started to lose interest in her business of which she was in a #1 position at the time. 2)She felt she was in a fog at times. 3)There were times she felt hopeless and felt there was no where to turn. 4)She had lost that innate connection between mind, body and her spirituality that at one time was very easy for her.

Actually I could go on with more insights from this incredible woman, she is filled to the brim with an acute awareness of herself and life. She may have been in a foggy haze for a time but that is what makes her, "rose garden" all the brighter when she comes out. I think we have to experience some tough times to really appreciate the good times.

Her husband is a Type I diabetic. In her wisdom she said, "I don't tell him that I expect his body to make insulin so he doesn't have to take his medication every day!" "I would never do that." We looked at each other and WE GOT IT! Her brain doesn't make enough "feel good chemicals".

It IS so hard to GET because we don't SEE or understand all the many facets of how the brain gets depleted of serotonin, dopamine, nor epinephrine, and these are just the chemicals in the brain that we know about.

Nobody promised us Rose Gardens...and if you plant one yourself you just have to take care of it! (I hear they're thorny buggers.)

TANned Out

Tomorrow is March 5th. Tandin my baby turns 19. I get to take him to lunch, then we all get together to party like rock stars as we do so well in our family. He has been looking forward to getting an iPhone for sometime and this birthday looked like the day! However, being the free spirit and one who never wants to say "I wish I would have..." he will be taking off for So. Cal. on Saturday "until his money runs out" or class resumes at USU on March 16, which ever happen first.

This child of mine has been the organizer of fun for as long as I can remember. I am pretty sure if you were to sit down and talk to him about his life this far he would have very few regrets. He values family, friends and experiences. He is taking his education seriously and this little window of time to relax is well worth putting off that iPod (now he just needs so.cal money)!!

I learn a lot from my boys. Tan has always been so level headed, and also had this uncanny ability to seize the moment. His sheer intelligence and sense of balance makes me feel safe when I am around him. When we had our boat several years ago he was the caretaker even though he was the youngest. He has an eclectic set of personality traits. When I think of him I smile. He is humorous beyond, but he has to be in the mood and you have to be sharp enough to catch it.


Tandin does not repeat things. If you didn't catch it the first time then, well you are pretty much SOL. His mind works at lighting speed and if can keep up it's interesting and fun. If not you're just TANned out with the many others...

Shades of Grey in Clarification

I had my husband say to me a few weeks ago after reading one of my blogs, "I didn't get it." I said, "What didn't you get?"

For the first time I had to delete an entire blog of my own because although I "got it," it was rather STUPID! Not to mention I rambled...IMAGINE that?!

But here is the deal. I don't spell it all out. I mean who am I? I am no expert in anything I talk about, but I sure like to pretend!

I don't want my blog to be about getting me. However i hope it does shed some light on mental illness and mood disorders. But most of the time I like to provoke thoughts within you. I am just someone with a lot of School of Hard Rock experiences and I am not afraid to put it out there for people to 'knock' on.

If your life has been Shades of Grey...and maybe you have even had several ones that were as colorful, exciting and changing as a kaleidoscope then I am not alone. It has been good therapy for me to share. I hope along the way it has been good for someone else too.

Black & White and Needy All Over

As I came home from my buying trip last night only to be greeted by the most zealous of three dogs and one fine smelling happy husband. I pushed my way through the sea of dogs to the kitchen and crouched down to enjoy the puppy greetings. Mr. Dozer in all his 70 pounds of over-anxiousness, pushed me over and was on top of me. He seems as of late to be extremely forward with the pretty ladies so I was quite flattered and giggled as I pushed his 3 inch paws off of me.

Zion seemed to bark incessantly as if to say, "Hey, that is my mom, she is my property, get away, I want her all to myself, everyone back off!" It never works. She has to wait her turn until bed time, then she knows she gets prime spot and curls right by my tummy and contently sleeps there till morning.

Now it is Roxee that I am terribly concerned for. She truly was IN MY FACE all night and all morning. There is such a thing called body space, and she invades it, like really bad! I am used to this and I am okay with her doing it because I figure she needs a little bonding, but this went on for a full hour or more and resumed again this morning, before I awoke. Then she rolled over and insisted on a tummy rub. This little baby does not take NO for an answer either. She gives new meaning to IN YOUR FACE. And she is so cute and obnoxious you can't say no because she needs it so bad you give in no matter how unattractive the white side of her face is, because the black side is absolutely adorable.

I actually realize I need her as much as she needs me...it's just good to be needed!