Winter's Stage of Life

It has been months since I have been able to write. I rely on inspiration and rawness when I write.....these emotions seem to have been fleeting. Today I will try..try to see if anything that is in my heart and mind, may be of benefit to put on paper and project out to the world, via, a blog.

Today I settle in.. IN to a reality that if given the chance to change, I probably would. Not that it would be the best decision, but I believe, WE all have a tendency to gravitate to the known. My life is not bad right now, actually, far from it, but because of divorce, change in career, new friends, another bed to sleep in, well, it is all very different, different from what I am accustomed to. 

I’m 50something, and for some odd reason, I would like some familiarity surrounding me, i.e., hearing my kids come through the back door, having an employee sit in my office and cry (or bitch), being overwhelmed with more physical and emotional work than I felt I had strength for, but somehow always mustering it up! Now,.. where I am Now, none of this familiarity is possible, and how addicted I have been to the dysfunctional aspect(s) of life. Now, yes, I have NOW simplified my life, I have changed everything that was familiar.

I chose. We each choose. We make choices, every day, and the consequences come, either quickly or slowly, each consequence can be met with awful trepidation and resilience. Over the past 6 years I have posted 16 blogs about “change” and 24 about “acceptance”. It seems logical that I have anticipated these themes to be BIG in my life.

I am in my 50’s now. It is the “NOW WHAT” stage of life.. I raised 3 beautiful boys, and they are in full swing now, instigating successful and happy lives of their own. I personally have lived a remarkable and full life, filled with worldly success and diverse experiences. Yet after contemplation and severe reality checks, I realize that it is now the Winter stage of my life and I am trying to adjust.

My Winter stage of life.. it is quiet, still, simple, beautiful, lonely and confusing. In the Spring of my life I had purpose; my home, family, business and friends needed me. Summer came and I was still in full swing, in heated pursuit of creating worldly success and pushing my offspring to happiness. Then the Fall season came and the harvest seemed robust and colorful, it was also fleeting and filled with hard work, taking care of all that I had worked so hard for.

Then Winter rolled in and it was time for assessment, discovery and stillness.

I love the Winter when the snow falls crisply, cleans the air and makes everything look brisk..... everything is poignant..

..and still. 

But the truth is I also pause... for when the Winter sky turns grey and I yearn for a sliver of sunlight,  I’m not sure what is ahead..but my hope is always for peace, love, acceptance and understanding...I have that, well most of that, 

and I am blessed...I hope that for you too...it is alway, ALWAYS about the Journey.

The Circle of Life

I have said so many, MANY times before that things come full circle in life. I am experiencing yet another one of those situations as I now live again with my mother for a time.  Her house is quaint, one that anyone would love living in because it has charm and a warmth that only a Mother can provide. I have needed this warmth and time of healing for a very long time, and there is no one else that can do this for me like my Mother.

Mom is a funny sort, literally funny. She laughs and we laugh together, she is a jokester at heart. Growing up with my Mom has so many delightful memories..she loved playing tricks on people, silly things that kept everyone in stitches, fake throw up by the toilet, fake mice that she hooked up by a string, hid and then as you walked by she would pull it across in front of you, and you danced like nobody’s business; and loads creating an explosion in cigarettes of co-workers at Evan’s Grain where she worked for 18 years.

 

A typical look from Mom

After Evan’s Grain Mom joined Phazes Salon & Day Spa and spent 24 years by my side. At times tensions were high because we were so consumed with business. No one had our back like my Mom. She always stood for principle and at times would challenge an employee or customer if they were taking advantage of us. She is a woman that never backs down on what she believes in, and family blood runs through her veins more than anyone I know. She will defend her children, grandchildren, parents and siblings like no bodies business. In truth she’s not always popular, because she says what she feels and lives what she preaches. I find this rare these days.

The integrity and commitment I have in my life is due to the example she has set for our family and me. This is a woman that hates pomp and circumstance, particulary if it is over her. I admire that in this day and age when so many of us seek the approval and attention from worldly matters.

 

Sherry, Mom and me

I never comprehended how much my mother loved me until I had my first born son T.J.. I remember calling my Mom from the hospital after I delivered and saying to her, “I never knew you loved me this much.” The love of a mother is second to none, other than God’s love for us, which, I suppose, is uncomprehendable. He did give us families after all. I cannot imagine life without my family, and I am sure you feel no different. I have been blessed with not just good parents but great parents. They started as teenagers back in the 50’s. Times were different then and work was a plenty. I know few women that worked harder up until she retired than my Mom. This woman labored and found satisfaction in it. She began working full time when I was 3 years old. When she came home from work she cleaned and cooked (another second to none), sewed clothes for us kids, washed window every month, played with us, talked to us, took Sherry and I shopping and made family trips fun.

Another typical scene..Mom cooking in the kitchen. (look at those homemade rolls) 

My Mom is grey now and still beautiful, and, I know my mother will die some day, and I will miss her terribly. It will also be a day of celebration for her because she will be able to rest from her labors. She has sacrificed much and deserves rest from this world. That may sound morbid for we are uncomfortable speaking of death but I have become somewhat comfortable with the thoughts of a beautiful life after death. I have many loved ones on that other side and someday we will all join them.. and Oh what a good day that will be!

Can We Live till We Die?

It has been said that we reap what we sow. Is this true? Aren't we imperfect beings, trying to do the best we can, and yet we fall short so often. Why is this? Is this the natural man, to make mistakes? And when we make these mistakes, what do we do with them? Do we learn from them, blame others, become cynical? I often wonder about how life comes full circle. We live in a magnificent world, full of awe and wonder..and how easy it is to let it pass us by when we are so inundated with the fullness of life.

Today I sit and watch my boyfriend with his father. I am loving him all the more as he so tenderly but firmly does physical therapy with his father after knee surgery. We flew to Phoenix during an especially busy time in our lives because after all, there is nothing more important, worthwhile and fulfilling than family.

  

How beautiful is the providence, that as children we have the opportunity to care for our parents in much the same way as our parents cared for us.

Kevin with his dad, Tom getting his knee back in shape

How tender a moment when father and son once again play ball

I think of how awesome God is, in all His majesty, power and tenderness to supply His children with this planet, surrounded in understanding for our weaknesses and giving us all we need, even when we don’t think so. I do believe, as hard is at may seem at times, things are as they should be, for our own good.

Three weeks ago today my father, who has terminal cancer got an infection that nearly took his life. His will to live, his pure stamina and strength after having fought stage 4 cancer for the past three and a half years has been miraculous and a blessing. 

The morning after a frightful night

My father battled back after a night of hovering between life and death, only to rise the next morning, sitting up in the ICU unit, laughing and teasing in his usual manner. His comment to me this last week as he is recovering in Assisted Care was, "I'm going to live until I die." This can be interpreted differently, what Dad's meaning is, he WILL LIVE, choosing to enjoy, never to give up,  making sure that the fields that he has planted will be harvested. God chooses when we depart from this life. We choose what we sow and, well, you know the rest of the story..

The Sweetest Things in Life are Free

There are days that I still yearn for some kind of familiarity, my old couch, the kitchen I cooked countless meals in for my family, my office, my staff that became my friends. My neighbors that cared for me. And particularly, particularly, my grandogs, Dozer and Roxee that delighted me in ways that only unconditional love from Dogs can be had.

For 3 solid years, change has whipped at me with such velocity i often times felt I would be sucked into the vacuum, never to return. Today is different, today I have hope for a bright future.

I have always spoken openly and candidly about my trials, it has been a source of healing to express myself. It has also been my deepest desire that someone who has read my words may be touched in their own personal way and found strength.

It is a humbling experience, after the dust settles in life, to sit within your own reality and be accountable for the mistakes you've made in life. These are hard times, necessary for growth, and I am grateful for the challenges that have brought me character.

My greatest blessing is the relationship I have with each one of my boys.

The 3 boys when they were younger!

They have stood by me, believed in me, and loved me unconditionally. I was a grown woman, needy and also trusting enough to cry in my sons arms when I was at my lowest. Tandin took me in when there was no where to go, he allowed me to heal, and never lost Faith in me. He mourned along with me as we shared our little apartment together, had talks about school, experienced frustrations when Pac (the menace grandog), didn't mind, and plain just knew where each other was in every way without speaking a word. These months with him I will cherish all the days of my life.

Tan & Me during a hike after a long day of studies

Today is a new chapter in my life. I have love, God and family that surround me and support me.

May I just say this in parting.. Trials and challenges of life teach us the life lessons that mold us. I will be forever indebted to God, my family and friends for believing in me and loving me. The sweetest things in life are free.

Blind-Eyed Faith

I've looked into these eyes many times for comfort, understanding, unconditional love and peace. I have whispered to my baby girl late at night or in the middle of the afternoon when I could not get out of bed, "You're my best friend."

It's strange what we find comfort in, oh yes, it is most often the smallest of things. Zion now weighing in at just under 11 pounds has my heart wrapped around hers for she has been by my side almost non-stop from shopping, sleeping, and working to playing, listening, and comforting. I got this Bug-Eyed Baby when her entire Self fit in the palm of my hand 10 years ago. Having her come into my life was heaven-sent sheer inspiration for my heart needed healing while I was on a personal hiking retreat in Zion's Canyon.

Zion and I have taken many road trips together, just the two of us. Our bonding time began as we made our journey home together for the first time, she was 9 weeks old, 5 inches long, tender yet the spit-fire-runt of the litter. On our first journey home from Southern Utah she was tiny enough to ride on the top of my shoulder. Her head was so big compared to her body that when she drank from the water bowl the gravity of her head made her hind legs come off the floor. Oh how I loved this dog from the moment I set eyes on her, but now, now, the love and healing I have received from and through her runs through my blood.

Life changes. We change. Our dogs get older. They go blind. Zion is going blind and a dagger has pierced my heart for I see and feel her fear now as she is trying to navigate her way through murky eyes. She is tenacious and will adjust. She is still playing soccer like Nobody's business. She is also feeling her way by the touch of her nose, the sounds that she hears and the shadows that she sees.

We mourn these things when we see those we love suffer. I suppose that we particularly protect, and feel a great sense to safeguard those who cannot do it for themselves. Little children. Animals. What is so heart wrenching is I cannot explain to her what is happening, nevertheless we love, live and laugh through blind-eyed faith each day and hold on to the sweet moments...

Indoor Soccer w/ Zion

Your Own Reality

I have been wondering...actually experiencing from a peculiar standpoint a rather strange shift, actually seeing some monumental ways in which people and our world are changing. Have you felt it too?..or is it just me living in my own little bubble, perceiving things differently because I am different. The personal experiences and transformation I have lived over the past few years has given me cause to reflect and a desire to share.

I will be the first to admit I have cycled through fear and trust so many times that my entire existence felt like it was on a repeated wash, rinse and dry cycle! And I do feel cleaner for the wear! I also feel less heavy because of the succession of purging old habits and thought patterns. Undoubtedly, I often visit in the recesses of my brain, old notions of right and wrong, good and bad, and my assessment of what constitutes happiness and sadness.

Consider where your mind feels the most peaceful between premodern, modern and postmodern views. Inspect for a moment where your strongest (and possibly only) perspective lies. Is it premodern, where your view of reality is guided mostly from human history; and that what you see and are told is and must be as they really are, seeing all things that are in your mind as FACT? For those who live this way your assumptions are so fundamental to your thinking you could not even fathom that they are assumptions. Do you align more with a modern view where diversity is legitimate and no one is necessarily right or wrong, but there are "different strokes for different folks."

Is a Dandelion a weed or a flower?

When I was a little girl i loved the beautiful yellow flowers in my grandma's yard. I would play joyfully on the grass while these yellow beauties made me happy. I was intensely disappointed when i found out that they were a, so called nuisance, and someone would be spraying them to kill them off! Which brings me to the postmodern view, which is a tough one to wrap our mortal minds around...all that is "real" are the images and thoughts we get through our own points of view.

May i offer a thought for you to consider that may enlighten your perspective of how you exist in the scheme of the whole? I have a heart, lungs, liver, kidneys and eyes. Each of these components of my body have a particular job to do and none of these parts can survive or have any use unless they are used as parts of my whole body. If I'm not mistaken you are no different. And yet these parts of mine/yours could be used/transplanted to another person's body to help them sustain their lives, nevertheless the organs in and of themselves without a body have no purpose. We may believe that if our heart is bad we will assuredly die (which we all do), but had no one ever consider the possibility that we could live with another persons heart many would have died earlier. Just think of the possibilities that have occurred because we transformed a pre modern view to modern and post modern.

I invite you to watch this short video clip and entertain the possibility that the present is a "map in which all the ways the present can reinvent itself (Silva)." I have at times experienced this "flow state" where existing in the "zone" was a connection to something or someone bigger than myself. As for me I call it inspiration from God and tapping into our own magnificence through His awesomeness. What ever you call it, or whether you believe it or not...well, is your own reality.

All That LIfe is Made of

26 years ago I gave birth to a most exquisite boy. I bonded with him immediately and have enjoyed a closeness to him that has brought me a happiness all my life. I call him my beautiful "Chaser" and he most certainly has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I am a fortunate woman to have the relationships I do with my 3 sons that have always treated me with love, respect and compassion.

Like all families we have been challenged, to the very core, with life's lessons. I must admit that there were times of feeling victimized...and there were times of nearly falling to complete despair. During those dark hours, it was my 3 boys that kept me hanging on, for giving up was just NEVER an option.

It has been said that it is darkest before the dawn. And because of this darkness, when the dawn comes, the light is more beautiful, bright, and can warm the soul for eternity.

We all have poignant events that happen in our lives; my dad getting cancer 4 years ago was a huge turning point for me as well as our family. It seemed to put in motion a compelling quest for me to become a completely authentic woman in all I stood for. This quantum leap for me was something of a necessity to sort out many years of inner darkness. I had desired to overcome and understand these black days off and on my whole life; and due to many miracles involving opportunities and people coming into my life I have come to know a deep peace. I suppose the peace I feel now was something that I always felt had alluded me, but perseverance has been afforded me by my great posterity of strength and character.



Our thoughts do make up our lives. And whether you view the universe as hostile or friendly you are right! The sadness and atrocities of this world will continue for there are lessons to be learned in every hardship and challenge. And when we come to embrace and accept life just exactly as it is, resisting no more, life will be joyful!







For those who have followed my blog for the last 5 years and related with my journey, I do hope that you have gained a certain amount of understanding, as well as a greatest amount of compassion for your friends, family and lovers. These things are tender and are all the things that life is made of...

LIttle Wonders

I find myself in this most unusual space of time. After having raised 3 beautiful, self-sufficient and thriving boys and running a successful business that continues, after my departure, is nearly surreal. I have gratitude beyond for the experiences I am having now, attending my Senior year of college at 50 years old, living with my youngest son who is also in his Senior year of engineering (much more demanding than my chosen major), and having time on my hands as I have never, no never possibly could have even imagine existed! The dichotomous changes that have occurred within such a short period of time have left me to my own thoughts of "why things are as they are," and "what can be learned from all these incredible experiences I have been blessed to have?"

Last January, only 10 short months ago I posted this youtube video (worth watching and contemplating). It was sent to me via facebook from my son Tandin who when he sent it to me, we certainly did not know we would be sharing this experience together, I could not have fathomed how these "twists and turns of fate" would transpire and land me where I am today. The poignant words from this song depict the beauty and nature of how life comes full circle...

Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Dont you know the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain

Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
And I dont mind if its me you need to turn to
We'll get by, its the heart that really matters in the end

All of my regret will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours...

I came from a middle-class hard-working family. I was also rather privileged, I reflect now, truly realizing how "entitled" my ways of being and thinking really were. I now am comfortable and although resist at times the inconveniences of living in a small apartment, carrying laundry outside and down into this old frat house basement. I still find that doing dishes by hand are just a simple joy. Life is very simple. We choose our thoughts and we choose how happy or unhappy we are.

First World Problems

I had a friend text me last night to inquire how I was doing. After the usual social exchanges he admitted he was "tired and world weary." It was an honest confession for he has the intellect and experience to understand the state of our country.

Earlier during the day I spent a few hours with my sister and my mom and we had discussed many of these topics that become pressed upon our minds: state of the government shut down, democrats vs. republicans, gridlock, entitlements vs. true need, and it goes on, and on and on.

I live in a home that is 100 years old. The plumbing is not so good. We had everything from the sink, to the toilet backing up into the tub a couple nights ago. Low and behold after a visit from the plumber he fished a beer can out of the pipes. Yes, I live in a frat house! No, I have no idea how it got there or how long it has been living down there causing these on going problems, but Eureka! problem solved! The situation deemed it necessary for me to go stay one night at my mom's house. Running water and a toilet is something I enjoy!

I live with my son Tandin, we are finishing our Senior years of college together (yes, an awesome blessing and experience)!! I asked him if he wanted to go stay with me at Gma's. He declined and said to me, "This is a first world problem." 7-11, 3 blocks down was a convenient enough bathroom for him. Wow, and what perspective! What insight into how to choose to live and show up when life gets inconvenienced.

First World Problems. Things like not having internet service, bad cell phone reception, indoor plumbing. Perspective people. Perspective.

It's Right Around the Corner

Earlier this week I rode my bike to class and I snapped this picture. How beautiful--life in motion, as simple as it may be: to walk, to learn, to live.

This is the path I take as I ride my bike home from class in the evening hours, how enlightening, how perfect.

And today, the intention of the crowd, to experience "the game." They accept the idea that win or lose...this will be fun! Losing sucks but it IS part of the game.

My 3 boys are at the stadium enjoying a football game after some tailgating activity, 2 dogs are at my feet and I have plenty of studying and homework ahead.

This the the beautiful stadium across the street from where I live, and yes, love is always right around the corner, sometimes you just have to look really hard.

Unwritten

Matters of the Heart

Heber Valley, Utah

It is a majecstic Sunday morning. I sit in a beautiful lodge overlooking the Heber valley. The view from the deck is a mountain ridge, and off on the horizon there is a profile of a woman etched in the mountain. She is lying on her back, looking upwards towards the sky, her hair flows downward cascading from her forehead. We named her Vogue...for what a pose she strikes. Her given name is Utahna, and through the legends told about her and her lover, we may find an opportunity to develop meaningful connections in our world.

Utahna's profile can be seen by looking at the left side of this photo on the horizon

Another view of "Vogue" from the deck

If she were real, and she obviously is, her priority is to provide beauty and inspiration in our world. It is her destiny. The focus of her eyes point upward toward heaven. She never takes her focus of that which is her destiny. There are differing versions of her destiny:

"Red Eagle desires the beautiful Utahna, and will either achieve a great feat or lead her to believe he is a god in order to take her as a wife. Meanwhile, Utahna is either pursued by many for marriage, or chosen to present herself as a sacrifice to appease the gods and end the drought. The two become great lovers, but jealousy of others or Utahna's revelation that Red Eagle is not a god ends their happiness. The tale may end as jealous warriors ambush Red Eagle on Mount Timpanogos, causing him to fall to his death, and remain immortalized as the beautiful Emerald Lake. Utahna is so distraught at this news, she lies down on the mountain top and dies, hence the outline of a woman can be seen today."

"In alternate versions of the legend, Utahna proceeds to jump from Mount Timpanogos as a sacrifice for her people once she discovers Red Eagle has deceived her. Red Eagle's deceit is usually revealed after he is wounded by a bear, because gods would be invincible, and Utahna pities him and nurses him back to health. Utahna jumps from Mount Timpanogos as she was tasked to do, and Red Eagle finds her body taking it back into their home within the Timpanogos Cave system. His great sadness causes him to brood over her body, until the god Timpanogos has mercy on the lovers and joins their bleeding hearts into one, the "Great Heart" stalactite found in the Timpanogos Cave System. "

My friend that I spent this weekend with said to me, "you can be focused, but your priority may not serve you; and likewise, you may have the right priority but lack focus. " Ahhhh, profound words!

The yin and yang of life is most intriguing, I suppose we look for balance in all things. When it is there we feel whole. Just like nature, there is purpose in every living thing, we are all connected.

There is a butterfly that hangs over the door of the deck of this magnificent lodge,  the butterfly has significance for my friend, likewise butterflies have great significance for me as well. It was of surprise when I noticed it...and yet...maybe not.

"Interpreting animal symbolism is a powerful way to connect with nature, and learn lessons from her creatures - lessons that we can apply to our own lives. Observing the butterfly and learning her symbolic meanings offers us an opportunity to apply her movements to our own lives. For example, we can relate the butterfly's stages of life to our own life-phases...growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, times of vulnerability, moments of miraculous expansion. The more we seek symbolism in nature, the more we realize we have a lot in common with animals, insects and life in the wild realms. Indeed, we are intimately connected with the animal queen/kingdom - inseparable from nature and her movements."

As I moved over the last 2 weeks, I indeed experienced: growing pains, times of ravenous hunger, times of vulnerability and moments of miraculous expansion and discovery. I discarded or gave away most of my material possessions. It was a simple task to walk around my apartment and choose what meant something to me. If it was monetary and replaceable it no longer had value to me. Simple things such as pictures, mementos and books had meaning.

Where my priorities lie, and where I challenge myself now is this: 

staying focused on matters of the heart.

Enjoy The View

I grew up on a farm. I don't believe until the last two weeks I have ever appreciated or even comprehended the work of a farmer, the iron will of a farmer, the tenacity of a farmer...and the sheer exhaustion that a farmer endures year after year after year.

I suppose some years are better than others for a farmer, not much different than how life is better some years more than others. When true understanding takes place, there is pain that is just part of the road. When that pain seeps into every sinew of our mind, body and soul, well, then it is enlightening. Pain is a teacher. Necessary at times, and also unnecessary at times.

On our farm there was a mile country road from our house straight West to the church. It was a dirt road when I was a little girl, then it was paved, and then every few years they would gravel it. When I was little I loved walking down "the lane" (that's what we called it). My favorite time of year was just before harvest, the corn stalks were so tall on both sides of the lane.  It was a farmer's daughters enchanted forrest, and I loved it! It is hard to estimate how many times my family and I walked up and down that lane, together or separately, the simple walks each time brought a new experience.

A canal ran diagonally thru the lane and although I was told not to play in the canal, we (meaning my friends, cousins and my brother), would do it anyway. What great memories we have of that slimy canal, tubing, water skiing (motorcycle acting as boat), and swimming along with the slow current.

My parents biggest fear would be that one of us kids would fall in the canal and drown. Drowning was always the one death I feared more than all others, but I was a pretty good swimmer and often times my brother was around. I always knew if I got into a tight spot he would save me. I also knew he would get in more trouble for what ever mischief we were causing from my dad, the iron-man farmer.

I am now 50 years old and if I wrote 5 chapters of my life it would go something like this:

Chapter 1: I skipped down the lane. I fell in the canal. It wasn't my fault, I didn't even see it there. I got out.

Chapter 2: I ran down the lane. I saw the canal and fell in it anyway. It wasn't my fault. I got out.

Chapter 3: I raced down the lane, oblivious to the beauties around me. I saw the canal, fell in. It was my fault. I got out. I didn't even realize someone was there to help me.

Chapter 4: I walked down the lane, seeing some of the beauties around me, but I did not appreciate them. I saw the canal; and I went around it. I didn't realize the wisdom of what looking into the canal without falling in would bring me.

Chapter 5: I haven't walked down the lane yet, and in fact, rather than walking down the lane at all I would rather fly high up above, take it all in, that sacred land I grew up on, and just enjoy the view!

Surrender to what IS! Examination

Today begins the end of a long journey. 26 years ago in August 1987 we opened our first salon inside of my very good friend, Ryne Hazen's photo studio.  We hosted fashion shows and hair shows, held meetings, gave presentations...and performed hundreds of makeovers.

Ogden Phazes in the 1990's

Hair Show in the Ogden City Mall, 1990's

Christmas Motivational Staff Meeting, 1990's!

I had many a tears in my office, countless giggles, and some double-over belly laughs! I made lifelong friends, no enemies to my knowledge, and now tuck away all these memories, and return to exactly where I started. Spring to Summer to FAll, but WHere??

How blessed I have been to have all these life lessons; packaged up into more phazes than I can count. My 20's, egotistical and full of myself. My 30's, prospering, playing, raising boys, and searching for my place in the world, and my 40s, harsh realities, looking myself in the mirror, and asking the ever elusive question... Who AM I? and What do I want??? For some, their path is set, they never question or veer from what is before them. I admire and respect that. I also have love and respect for myself, for seeking my truth, and my path.

My life with family and business has always been intertwined. My family has supported me, and believed in me. They stood by me when they disagreed; they loved me when I failed, and they rejoiced when I succeeded.

I remember a conversation I had with my father, he said, "it's important that I am successful in life." What does that mean??...and now in the twighlights of their lives...I know what success is...for our family!

Dying in peace, Forgiving forgetting and forging forward. Loving without conditions; and  

Surrendering to  what IS!!

10 days from now I will begin my senior year at the University of Utah, living with my two youngest boys; our two dogs, Zion and PAC; and begin or rather complete another journey started many years ago.

All things come Full circle. Three and a half years ago, and 25 years before that, I started college and did not finish school, but started a business-- Phazes became my focus for a time, and my focus changes once again.

Look at your life and examine it, take little account as to whether your journey gave you an A of an F (I have had both). And then choose to LIVE, Joyfully and Authentically! It is your choice. Always.~

Examination 

No Place Like Home

Yesterday was my birthday. 50Th! My weekend was filled with joy... 

 

my boys and the doggies,

 my family,

 

my friends.

 

Saturday, bright and early my son Chase, proposed--professed his unwavering devotion to Lauren.

 The love, heartache, relief, hope and honor displayed was truthful,

 and intimate (even though Tandin (brother) filming, and Steve (balloon friend pilot) was navigating.

 I huffed and puffed as I filmed their landing, running through fields, Zion in tow...

 ...and it seemed like something out of the Wizard of Oz as my babies landed...

only to share in the good news that, there is NO place like home (our hearts).

Zion was picked up and returned safely and coincidentally, (NOT), by This father and son. 

They spotted Zion running through the fields and thought it was their Boston, Roxee! 

Yes their other dog's name...Dozer. 

We shared stories of our dynamic duos, and I walked away with gladness in my heart knowing that 

the two yeawhoo's were with us in every way, 

YES, they were there, sharing what they were so much a part of 

when Chase returned home 5 years ago.

Tj's house fire, May 2011

This pic does evoke emotion for me, these times were hard, none of us could understand why life seemed to be tumbling down around all of us in every way, 

Roxee, Me and Dozer when they were pups

...yet more understanding comes each day, and I accept and know that things are exactly as they should be. I am grateful and blessed beyond.

Our lives unfold like stories and we live in them, and learn from them, and live now, in the present, digesting it all and rejoice in all of it, the heartache, the love, the pain and the pleasure, for without it...where would the meaning be??

As for me? I am ready,

ready to put my boots up

and see where Red Shoes, committed love, and living right in the midst of 

"no place like Home," takes me!

I have a daughter, she came to me years ago and I asked her to please write to my son Chase while he was on his mission. Our entire family needed this perfect young lady in our lives. 

She has a beautiful authentic mother, my friend April that has given Lauren qualities of innocence, beauty and a love for others unconditionally that we all share.

Me, Lauren, April and so sweet, so perfect Catherine!

 

 

 

What a day...what a life...there is no place like home!