Peanut Butter & Red Jam Toast

I have toast almost every day. I used to eat cookies...EVERY DAY. I love them still, however my body did not so much. So peanut butter and red raspberry simply fruit on a piece of wheat toast has become the filler. Sometimes second choice is actually better for us.

Sometimes we make compromises in life. At least if we grow up we learn we have to. Toast is not so bad, at least it's not something like, rice cakes...OH! I actually have learned to like those too!!

Put a diet coke along my side and I'm a pretty happy girl. It's the simple things in life that toast my campfire smore's. There were many who thought I would never camp too! Never prejudge!

So if you find your nose in a jam, don't sweat the small stuff! And almost everything is small stuff!!!

Black Days Gone Bye

Some friends will be friends forever because of the things we experience together. Glenn and Kathy are these kind of friends. They used to live two doors down, now they live in Texas. We saw them tonight and reminisced about old times--good and bad. Glenn and I were both diagnosed with manic depressive illness while we lived in the same neighborhood. His illness did not manifest itself until his early 40's. Mine on the other hand was something I have shown signs of since I was a teenager but unfortunately not diagnosed until I was 39.

This illness, as does all the mental illnesses, have many different faces, and no one remains more responsible for their individual health than the sufferer themselves. Seems strange to say that because mentally ill individuals have been depicted as incompetent to think and care for themselves. I beg to differ! Most mental illnesses, if given proper medication to balance out the brain chemistry, (which in and of itself is a challenge), can lead normal, happy and productive lives. Knowledge of the illness and self management techniques for a healthy lifestyle in understanding triggers that could exacerbate the illness rests upon first, the person with the disease, and then the family.

I remember Glenn's "high" days, (if you're bi-polar you get sick of the word MANIC). Wow, if I was 'up' too we could talk a blue streak. Business was always a favorite topic of ours. If anyone else happened to be in the room, or on the golf course with us, I'm not so sure we even paid much attention to them. We always enjoyed each others company, lively animation and ideas.

One thing you learn in a non-medicated bi-polar persons world...What goes UP must come DOWN! The main reason many who have this illness do not take med's is because they miss the high, the periods of extreme energy, productivity, creativity! Ya, well, at what and whose expense? This illness affects not just the person that has it but everyone who loves that person! It is also amazing to me how people can be embarrassed about taking a couple of pills that will help them be easier to live with, yet not think anything when they have self induced diabetes and have to take insulin to regulate their blood sugar. Interesting how our perspectives might need a little adjustment?

I had long periods of black days in my late 30's. Winters were always particularly hard. I was always searching for an answer to make this black feeling go away. I had been on different anti-depressants off and on for 10 years. I never stuck with them because ultimately the black feeling always lingered.

I tried the natural vitamin/amino acid health regimen, chiropractic, meditation tapes, acupuncture, diet and exercise, prayer, regular counseling, over achieving, and so on until I was defeated and had retreated to my bed. It was customary since I was 16 to have bouts of depressive days that I did not want to get out of bed but by 39 I actually spent a 9 month period in bed. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder shortly after that.

As we had dinner with Glenn and Kathy they reminded me of a time when my world had completely gone black, but somehow I had reached out enough to find myself at their doorstep. Glenn had said that as he open the door I had collapsed in his arms and the conversation that ensued in their home afterwards was nothing but bleak. All hope and feeling for anything had gone. Glenn could do nothing but relate, he had been there. Fortunately those Black Days have Gone BYE...we understand ourselves more fully.

Should anyone suffer from any kind of mental illness, be it depression, anxiety disorder, obsessive/compulsive, stress, grief, there are so many things that can detract from the beauty in our lives; I assure you there are ways out of the abyss. Never, ever give up hope, there were many times I begged to die.

Reach out to someone, I did and I was the better for it!

Growing up Without Red Ties

Red is a power color. To show power, confidence and strength men are encouraged to wear the red power tie. Growing up for my niece's and nephew's there was an absence of red. Death took my brother when his daughter was 12, his son was 8. Divorce left my sister and her 4 children on their own as well.

How many American families have little or no male leadership in the home? How much effect does that have on children? I believe if you sat down and talked to my 2 niece's and 4 nephew's they would say a great deal. They did not have a say in this matter. Their mother's did an incredible job in raising their children. They are absolutely amazing women, nurturing and strong.

When we face opposition in life we have two choices, we can let it defeat us and we become the victims of bad circumstances or we can rise above the challenges and make something of our lives.

As we all spent the weekend together in Lava Hot Springs we laughed, talked and discussed many issues of life. I realized how far these kids have come. Each one a success in their own right. Two beautiful mothers. Two incredible fathers. Four college graduates. One PhD. Five with incredible partners that have beautiful relationships. The youngest in business for himself. Two recovering addicts and the list goes on.

Some families tout only what is popular or what seems to make them look good. Our family on the other hand has not always looked good. We have had our share of scandal. So What! We got used to it and we became better for it. We learned to hold our heads up high amongst the talk rather than to try to hide it. Teenage pregnancy, divorce, drug addiction, mental illness, untimely death, we found no shame in any of these challenges of life.

Children can learn from their parent's mistakes. Parents can learn from their children's mistakes. Life really does come full circle. You may include grandparents in those mistakes as well. Living and learning is continual. We sometimes immortalize our elders, they are just as human as we are, hopefully and oftentimes wiser for having lived more.

Sometimes the things we lack growing up we will find when we dare lean on those we love. Blood runs deep. When we put away our judgments and love freely Red Ties can be interwoven and create a bond that is everlasting. Reaching out is actually easier than it seems. There may have not been the traditional power ties in our family, but blood ties are there and flowing strong. My heart sang as I watched all my kids (I consider all of them my kids) floating down the river tied together, reaching out for one another in love, trust and happiness. This is the way it should be. Red Ties.

A Journey thru Weed

My son TJ took us to the Journey concert as a Father's Day gift to his dad. As we were waiting for the band to start TJ said "Oh, can you smell the weed?" I get frightened. They call them triggers in the drug world. He liked weed. He has been clean for 2 years 7 months and 12 days now. His drug problem spanned 7 years starting at 17 years old and took on the usual high school smoking, drinking, weed, then after high school advanced to abusing prescription medication including oxycontin. Once he got to that stage he was basically toast. Trying to get off became his personal hell.

The dichotomy of the whole scenario was while I was detoxing from morphine, a drug I had abused, he was getting high in our basement on narcotics all at the same time. How scary is this situation? Mom so oblivious in her own pitiful world while her own son is getting in deeper than she is, into a world most never recover from.

More than a year after my detox he finally confided in me and told me where he had been. He had chosen methadone as his method of "getting off" the drugs and was going to a "clinic." He explained to me the concept of methadone and because of the limited knowledge that both of us had at the time, and TJ's desperation I was supportive. He had failed trying to get off the narcotics so many times on his own, so methadone seemed to be a good solution. Needless to say methadone was a disaster, he became reclusive, lost weight and addicted to methadone, which is more difficult to detox from than the other narcotics he was taking.

In desperation to quickly cut down on the amount of methadone he was taking he found weed to help the withdrawals! Oh the vicious circle was beginning again.

The deal between us was that he tell me everything. He had started using cocaine. I knew we were in serious trouble and it was happening fast and I was afraid for my child's life. He was mixing so many drugs at one time I was frightened as to whether or not he would wake up in the morning. I cried constantly and begged the Lord to keep him safe till something broke. It did. He called one Saturday and said "Mom, I'm really bad, I don't know what I have taken, but it is really bad and I can't take it anymore".

We all have our breaking points. We reach the bottom and there is no where to go but up. TJ's detox was wicked. I did not leave his side for 2 weeks. He was brave. He was sick. He was sad, but he persevered. He lacked faith many times, but his entire family had a faith in him that picked him up when he did not have enough of his own.

He is a miracle in his own right for turning his life around as he has. To see him today and what he has made out of his life is simply amazing. He reaches out and helps others who face addiction. He gets it.

He now JOURNEYs on his own, WEED FREE AND HAPPY!

Blazing Star

The Blazing Star is a purple wildflower. I like purple, it is a flashy color. My dad is a flashy guy. He is 70 years old today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! He has been a hard worker all his life. He started out a dairy farmer, sold the cows a few years ago, subdivided some of the property and turned what was left into Allen Horseplay Stables and Arena. I like my dad, doesn't everyone like their dad? Well, maybe not.

Here are some of the reasons my dad is awesome... He is strong. We as a family look to him as a pillar of strength. He stands 6'3" and when he shakes your hand or you wrap your arms around him, or better yet you get to sit in his lap (I still do that sometimes) you feel safe.

He is fun. We laugh and we laugh a lot. He giggles at the stupid things we do. He accepts all of his family for who they are. Sometimes that hasn't always seemed the case, but as I have gotten closer to him I have realized how true that is.

He is gregarious. Moving into a close knit farm community back in the 40's was not easy, you were the outsider. Dad persevered, as a teenager he would take care of the farm and still find time for socializing too, even if sleep had to suffer. He is still a socializer, even if he is on the road he is known to pick up a hitch hiker just so he can have a nice chat with someone.

He is a great example. Dad has great parents as examples as well. My grandparents are still alive Glenna Allen, 91 and LeRoy Allen, 93 are the epitome of what great people are.

He is stalwart. If Dad makes up his mind there is NO stopping him. He decides to change a dairy farm into a horse stable and arena with his own bare hands, he does it. Enough said.

He is lovable. To know him is to love him.

My dad and the Blazing Star wildflower have many things in common. They are both tall and showy. They always return after each hard season expanding bigger and broader, and more of their seeds begin to spread and grow. Neither species is endangered nor edible.

As I look back on my life I have had one constant Blazing Star, my DAD.

Meadow of Wildflowers

Yesterday I hiked 14 miles. The payoff??? A very personal and spectacular view of a meadow. The meadow looked very much like the picture in my mind. The trail was quite thick with little warning that this meadow was suddenly going to break open with its beauty and grandeur surrounded by snow capped mountains and dotted with wildflowers.

There are over 20,000 species of flowering plants in North America, belonging to about 300 different families. Those that grow in the wild or on their own, without cultivation, are called wildflowers. I did not count how many different kinds of wildflowers I saw, but I delighted in each one. I would love to make a very special bouquet of wildflowers, but it is against the law to pick wildflowers, they are too precious. Wildflowers are my favorite flowers, especially a daisy.

This is a very personal song to me called Wildflower by Skylark.

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine,
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears,
and her sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence,
in her ears...

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

And if by chance, I should hold her,
Let me hold her for a time;
But if allowed just one possession,
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine.

Be careful how you touch her, for she will waken;
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows.
And when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe;
The way she's always payin' for a debt she never owed,
and the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear,
And so, she goes.

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

Wildflowers are equipped to grow on their own in nature. And so it goes in life that we too find out we are equipped to grow on our own in life. As hard as a 14 mile hike may be for someone who does not do that kind of thing (like me) you sacrifice for what you love and you stand alone in the middle of the weeds always hoping to be better prepared next time. If you are watching there are unique and beautiful wildflowers always surrounding you as well.

If there ever is a next time...sometimes you get the chance, sometimes you don't.

I fought back many tears while on this hike, as I have many times in my life.

Sleep sometimes is my only freedom.

Orange Horizons

I returned yesterday from Vegas. I spent 5 days with my mother and sister. We have not been on a trip together for 13 years. Much has happened in our family during this time particularly a lot of healing. My brother was killed 14 years ago yesterday. Our family learned many lessons about life from death. Acceptance, unconditional love, humility, patience, submissiveness. Not that we don't have our faults, ego trips, disagreements and childish acts, because we do! And we laugh in spite of ourselves.

I have learned that sometimes it is important to get over yourself. We do have a tendency to make things bigger than they are. Truth is, most things are just 'small stuff'. We often times make a big deal out of things when it just is not necessary. Life is perspective. When you lose someone you love life's perspective changes. Things have little value. The simple experiences becomes more meaningful. Relationships become paramount.

As we drove to and from Salt Lake to Vegas we not only talked of intimate things and feelings in our lives, we really related and understood as women. It was a priceless experience for all of us.

I have no doubt that each time we see the beautiful orange horizons as we drive through the canyons between St. George and Vegas we will feel a great circle of a celestial sphere whose plane passes through the center of the earth and is parallel to another orange horizon.