Until Tomorrow

What's important to you?  
What motivates you? 
What do you fear the most?

What brings about those fears? Often we fear what we do not know or cannot control, last time I checked no one has a crystal ball that actually works, do they?



We as human beings have a tendency to compare...be it our material possessions, our appearance, our status, even our children! We jockey one against another and it is all to our self detriment. It is human nature to be self interested and it is also human nature to steer away from pain...for these reasons we conflict in so many ways.

Our family is no different and we have gone through divorce, death, bankruptcy, religious dissension, and political dogma.

We roast each other for our foibles and sometimes hurt each other's feeling...and we get over it...






our family is a group of communicators, and through pain and strife, we end up working it out.

My Mom and Rondy Mom2 sharing laughs about the grandchildren

Love conquers all.

I am going to take some time off from wildflowers and weeds blog. I have some people, projects, and priorities that I would like to give complete attention to. There is a time and a season for everything. Summer is my favorite season; I intend to enjoy it.

I don't know what's ahead. No one ever does, but I trust and move forward with complete faith and optimism for what ever the future holds is... as it should be.

Politics!

Osama Bin Laden is dead, or is he? Interesting stuff? Yes. Does it matter? Yes. Can you believe everything you hear?

I'm NO more inclined to talk politics now, (even though it is my minor) than I was years before...for these reasons: 

• depending on one's vantage point ideas and beliefs differ 
• the dogma often times becomes so strong you cannot hear the facts above the opinion and emotion
• we often only know the facts that support our viewpoint
• who can you trust to report the "truth"
• if what is being reported politically is repetitive or sensationalized its just media  
• I have more constructive things to do than hate everything about what is going on in my country and the world

 For the record I don't trust or believe everything I hear or read, but what does it really matter in your life? What matters in the big scheme of things to me, is my part and contribution as a citizen and holistic entity to the world is, am I doing MY best?

When you are in school facebook is a required course of distraction. It's convenient to pop in and read a brainless news feed. It is rather addictive when a professor is droning on...yes even for the "non-trad's." One of my "friends" on facebook went on a four letter tirade towards the government about Bin Laden, which yes we have free speech, but if one is SO unhappy and upset, maybe one should change. Many borders are open into other countries. Just saying.

We don't have all the answers. Politically, personally, this is a life journey, and we work on getting the most out of it that we can. One step at a time.

Cancer & Friendships

I have been spending some time this last week at the hospital with a dear friend whose husband has cancer. She was my dance teacher when I was a teenager and our families have been intertwining ever since. Her husband and my father have been trekking to Idaho for holistic treatments and it has improved the quality of both of their lives, and the bonus, a beautiful friendship between Dad and Jerry was formed.

We have had tender, straightforward and poignant talks of death amongst several of us, both at my visits to the hospital and my conversations with my own family as I brought back reports of Jerry and the families circumstances. Each day brought about new emotions of either progress or setbacks, as only this type of life altering situation does.

I copied this quote Dixie had tucked in her purse in my favorite little book "Stillness Speaks"...

"I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today."

 ---William Allen White

This past six months and past week has taught me immense, HUGE life lessons...I do not fear death...in any respect...I mourn the idea, the very fact that I know, but can fully embrace the fact that my father, my brother who already passed away tragically nearly 18 years ago, and all whom i love WiLL die. I have shamefully begged to die many times in my life; whether that be because of my mood disorder or my situations, it does not matter. I am over that now because what I know NOW is that I TRUST; I fear no more. This life is meant to live until we die. There is a time for everything, a time to suffer, a time to mourn, a time to learn, a time to teach and this life is meant to be happy, but happiness is a choice.

The question remains in the bravery of choosing happiness over being a victim.

Wearing Purple a Red Hat and a Rocking Chair

It is 6:30 A.M.! in the morning as I begin this stupid blog...I have been up attending to my business trying to get to that FINAL paper my favorite professor of the semester is allowing me to write in lieu of taking the final. An option I took since exams and I do not seem to get along so well.

I have no business idling my time away "blogging" but as I was updating finances from my computer an email from an OLD friend delighted me...I MUSt sHARE an excerpt...edited by ME!

When I am an old I shall wear Purple with a Red hat which does not go, and does not suit me.

Which is why I shall love it and wear it all the more...

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain, which is ridiculous because my feet are always cold, but I shall do it anyway. And I will pick flowers in other people’s gardens and spit again, just as I did when I was little on the farm.

I will continue to wear terrible shirts and fight to not get fat while I wolf down three pounds of sausage as I camp in my tent, or "vacation home" as I like to call it! 

For now I will continue to hoard colored pens and highlighters and keep things of all kinds in COLORFUL little bags...

For now I must have clothes that have a small amount of bling, and I  must pay our bills and only swear a little bit.

And Oh NO never have friends over for dinner, MUCH too busy for THAT! Read the paper, a good book, Not a CHANCE...

But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked or surprised, when suddenly I am old and start to wear Purple, (swear a little more) and wear that  Red HAT? And it would only be appropriate that I bedazzle those hats...In honor of my sister, of course.

 What I really look forward to is that "rocking chair" on a porch, any old porch, a quiet one.

A Degree of Change

I have enjoyed my commute to and from the University of Utah the past year and a half. Whether I would blast my tunes, catch up with business phone calls or chat with a friend, the time was enjoyable and well spent.

Today as I left campus a swell of emotion hit my chest, no tears spilled over for I have learned how to control emotion rather well these last few months. I believe today was my last day attending class as a student at the "U."

Life changes and we accept the changes and challenges before us. I am enrolled for Fall semester but will be withdrawing and applying at my old Alma Mater, Weber State. I never officially received my bachelors there, I was only a few credit hours shy of a business degree. Now I have my general ed's under my belt and I am nearly ready to officially start into the Social Work program. It's a lot of education with no degree so far, and I don't regret an ounce of it.

When life requires you to make changes and you reflect back on what meant the most on the journey, it is always the people. I had two Professors that made a profound impact on me. Oddly enough they were in political science, my minor. I have two regrets leaving the "U." One is that I will not be taking another class from Dr. Holland or Dr. Garrott. They are incredible teachers and wonderful people, and I am grateful I had the opportunity to sit in class and learn from the best.

BAT CHASERMAN?

The other regret is that I will not be taking Social Work classes with my son Chase. Yet we know that we raise our children to be their own Person. I have no doubt Chase is just that indeed. He is very much IN charge of his own life...I love this child of mine! He will be a fine therapist one day. (Please take off the mask however, it will frighten the children).

Something to Ponder

I have often wondered what percentage of the population suffer from false consciousness (and I am not talking in a political sense). And what percentage of the population, SERVE those who are in a state of false consciousness...

No Bragging Allowed

I have had some incredible experiences with some remarkable people in my life. The list does not include anyone famous, no presidents, no movie stars, just ordinary people doing extraordinary things, quietly with no pomp and 
circumstance.

In fact they hate pomp and circumstance, and when someone makes a fuss they retreat.

What motivates some people to do the things they do???

We all have a need to love and belong to someone, somewhere... 

 

to have purpose and feel needed...

it plays out on that "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" of which I referred to a blog or two ago. 

Chances are you have people like this in your life also, the unsung hero. They make our world a BEautiful place...

The Frustrations of Dozer

If this doesn't make you smile...maybe you're depressed. Dozer's Dad, T.J., is on vacation, somewhere on some coast in Mexico, spear fishing... I think Dozer likes staying at Grandmog's house, but something just had to give, and it was his ole' pal Bobo...

Sometimes ya just gotta do what ya gotta do!

The Answer Always Lies Within

One month from now I will have completed four consecutive semesters at the University of Utah. My life and perspectives, my routines and overall thinking about many things in life have changed, quite dramatically.

I was introduced to Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 25 years ago when I attended Weber State College and was lucky enough to get more acquainted with several different approaches to understanding myself and others behaviors on this go around at school. 

I suppose at some time or another we evaluate what we want, how we are doing, and if, and CAN we make changes in our lives to improve our lives? All of these questions can be asked and answered depending on where we lie in this pyramid from Abraham Maslow. If your love/belonging needs are not being met your motivations will be much different than if it is esteem you are seeking. It is highly doubtful you will be worrying much over what others think of you when you or your family is starving.

It is proposed that many rarely, if ever reach self-actualization.

The answer to this question only lies within yourself. I am responsible only for myself and you are only responsible for you. However when we reach a point of self-actualization we 

become part of something greater than ourselves and with that life becomes something much more meaningful, something richer beyond the borders of oneself. 

It's a brain twister, but worth the thought...

This Road Less Traveled

We cannot or should not ever quantify or compare grief. This journey our family is on at this time is a road less traveled. Losing a loved one is painful. Watching a loved one suffer is agonizing. My beautiful father whom i have adored and learned many great life lessons from is surgically having a line inserted into his chest today to begin chemo treatments for his esophageal cancer next week. He was diagnosed last November and has been treating it holistically and doing so well. Unfortunately as of late he has been unable to get much food down including liquids which the scope he had earlier this week revealed the tumor has progressed.

Given two options, a feeding tube to the stomach for nutrition or chemo to possibly shrink the tumor, was the choices given. Dad's a pragmatic man said, "Well, let's go for the chemo." I'm sure he is hoping to be able to sink his teeth into a big cheeseburger soon. He has followed a strict diet, not a speck of white flour or sugar since his cancer diagnosis, and he has enjoyed blended vegetable shakes by the dozens. Rondy my mom#2 has taken the best of care and in many respects he is in better health today than he was four months ago. Yet cancer is one of those invasions that destroy good cells. These malignant cells are blocking off the passage way for food and sometimes even liquids for my dad.

None of us invite death. Losing my brother Dave so instantly was tragic and our family has never been the same. Yet death is the one sure thing we all can count on, so coping skills and moving on and up is part of our life's journey. Reading the book "Life Lessons" was a great help to me.




I recommend it whether you have lost a loved one or not.

I have no doubt that each of you will one day be on a road you never expected to be on...you are and can be stronger than you think. Reach out. Believe in the Power of Love and that God does have each of us in His care...Always...

Under the Rainbow?

When you're in it, it's not so fun. Looking back, as in "PERSPECTIVE" you can laugh and maybe learn a thing or two...

Last week while in New York a rain storm so torrential came up that it whipped our wimpy little umbrella out of our hands, along with litter--ally hundred's of others.

New York has no shortage of retail opportunity, so the corner in which we lost our umbrella was a conveniently located Kmart. We slipped right in and purchased an over-sized rainbow umbrella!

And stomped our way on to watch the famous off broadway production "Stomp" to my sheer delight!

Life can be Wicked at times...this was meant to be a memento pic in front of the play...don't bother watching, it's 15 seconds of wicked New York stupidity...

But it doesn't have to be. You can always get rid of your old black umbrella and look at the world from under the rainbow...

Growing Old Stinks

We grow up. We grow old. My baby turned 21 yesterday. I find it hard to believe.

I am in New York for the week and Tandin will be home taking care of business as do my other two boys. Rigorous schedules of college, jobs and businesses to run...and dogs to let out potty, for as one of my favorite books so poignantly titled, "Everyone Poops."

Life. It evolves. And we accept the changes or rather embrace them, and sometimes we fight them.

I found out recently that my Uncle Brent has cancer. As we grow older we have less contact with extended family. However this does not mean my love is not as strong, blood runs deep.

I'm not so fond of this cancer plague that seems to have touched my family's life in such a personal way. Yet we surrender to that which is and love those who are, and will always be a part of us...whether near or far.

And Tandin just so you know if Dozer has this look on his face, take him out, he needs to poop.

And one more thing never forget to laugh through the tears.

Routines and CHOCOATE!!!

Routine? C'mon! Discipline? When your nature is free-spirited and your genetics give you the highs and lows...diagnosed by the experts as..."BiPolar?" Not a chance! But somehow, someway, in the heat of the fright of life, the responsibilities, the help of good sleep (thank you temazapam) and healthy chocolate, YES, I have found healthy chocolate. I have routine. For once!

My Mom had a mini stroke earlier this year, my sister has Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) which is a pattern of frequent, constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. And when Dad was diagnosed with Cancer last November, well I guess a sense of mortality and fright began to overtake me, not for myself but for those I love so much. Death is such a strange experience and so far my overall familiarity with it has not been that pleasurable. 


I have found routine and discipline to be my friend. It keeps my mind from wandering and over-reacting. Ultimately I know, and have always known what we have is Here and Now, and when I live right NOW to its fullest I am fine, in fact I am fulfilled. 

So I will get to my studies, so I can get to my workout then off to work. I have already had chocolate!!!

A short thought.

Beware of the bareness of a busy life

-Socrates

Cancer-an East or West Choice

Culture or the socially constructed ideas and attitudes that we adopt in our Western society is interesting. It's also humorous at times...my dad is also quite humorous to me. He loves the microphone...karaoke...Western music...OH I hated Eddy Arnold growing up! Yet ,the more I understand the more I accept. 

My dad at his 70th surprise Birthday party, graciously thanking everyone.

It was less than three months ago when I received news my dad has esophageal cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes and other organs which had deemed him in the dreaded "stage 4" realm. The Western medicine protocol was to begin immediate doses of chemotherapy. Chemotherapy works by killing fast-growing cancer cells. Unfortunately, chemotherapy drugs can't always tell the difference between cancer cells and fast-growing healthy cells, including red and white blood cells. As a result, one of the most serious potential side effects of many types of chemotherapy drugs is a low white blood cell count. White blood cells are responsible for fighting infection.

When I tried to educate myself a little more about what "chemo" really is, this is what I learned: the chemicals that are used, fit into four categories--

1. Alkylating agents 2. Vinca alkaloids 3. Cytotoxic antibiotics 4. Anti-metabolites.

ALKYLATING AGENTS are drugs that work by directly attacking the DNA of a cell. These drugs can work at any time of the cell cycle, but are most effective during DNA synthesis.

NITROSOUREAS are similar to alkylating agents, and work by inhibiting the changes necessary for DNA repair. A very important feature of this class of drugs is that they can cross the blood-brain barrier which makes them very useful for treating brain tumors.

ANTIMETABOLITES block cell growth by interfering with DNA synthesis. These drugs work by mimicking a substance involved in DNA synthesis, inhibiting production of an acid necessary for DNA to be synthesized.

ANTITUMOR ANTIBIOTICS work by binding with DNA to prevent RNA synthesis. These also prevent cell growth by preventing DNA replication. Antitumor antibiotics prevent the DNA from reattaching itself together which causes the cell to die.

And when researching the overall survival rates no matter where I looked, after being treated by chemo the outlook was not promising at an average of 2-5%. Here is one of those tables:


The following table was published in the journal Clinical Oncology in December 2004.  The results of this study were astonishing, showing that chemotherapy has an average 5-year survival success rate of just over 2 percent for ALL cancers! http://fiocco59.altervista.org/ALLEGATI/MORGAN.PDF


My dad was hooked up, ready to go, and the appointment was made to begin chemotherapy treatment. We celebrated Christmas at Dad's house, he was in good spirits, but we all had our battle gloves on, for we all knew the road ahead was not easy. And then the change of plans...he would attack cancer from the opposite side of the world!

Dad, Grandma Allen, at the Christmas Party 

The Eastern methods of working with the body, rather than killing the cancerous cells and many others along with it---he feeds his body with an abundance of everything that is good and positive and rid it of all that is toxic and allow dad's body to kill the cancerous cells and enjoy his quality of life THROUGH the process. Quackery? Huh? or is it cultural bias?




I'm not really an expert in any of it. This is my first real close experience with cancer. But here are some observations that I find peculiar in our socially constructed paradigms...

There is something called "taken for granted knowledge," that isn't knowledge at all.

Sensationalism and Negativity SELLs...

We each pursue happiness in our own way, and that diversity is a great thing~


I am grateful for a father and my mom#2, Rondy who have so bravely made a choice to follow what makes sense to them. I am saddened when there is judgment by those who think that my dad has not chosen the "right" path by refusing chemo. I am further amazed when one goes against the NORM how there is less attention given than if one chooses the traditions of the culture.

Dad and Rondy leaving one of the treatment rooms, with happy faces!

I find it fascinating that another cancer patient is considered a "public figure" because they have taken their treatment public and the sentiments are publicized and furthermore the Dr. is celebrated for his heroic efforts to save her life. I certainly have no ill towards her and I wish her all the best. I only wonder why naturopathic doctors such as Larry Womack has spent his life researching and teaching people about their bodies to empower people further and why he is criticized by the medical profession? It seems as though building a bridge between Western and Eastern medicine would be of great benefit for the patients of many diseases.

It seems to me we put a great deal into labels and words...

which is ok, I love words...

And this would be one of my top PiCks of Doctor's...East or West!

And my DAD, well I would only choose HIM!