White Lines of L.A.

I am riding in my car watching the white lines zip by anxious to be home, maybe 10 hours from now. I also am thinking about the last two weeks of being on the road...

L.A. has a personality of its own. There is not the electric feel in downtown L.A. like Manhattan where we were in January earlier this year.

We have been carefully assessing and reviewing many lines of handbags, belts, jewelry, clothing etc., for our new Internet business. But the lines on the freeways or what fashion lines to carry are not what is foremost on my mind.

My sister has had the opportunity to travel and meet a wide variety of people. She is always gracious and poised in all situations. I have traveled very little and kept to a close knit circle of friends. We are both naturally outgoing and try to be loving and accepting of everyone.

With that being said I find myself at this time in my life having to make the lines very clear as to what I will and will not do. As for me, I am a people pleaser and if I haven't drawn the line clearly beforehand, it can be erased rather quickly. That has proved to be a detriment.

I find I am an adapter. I am also a grey person and it is time for me to draw the white lines.

A Different Sort of Black Dog--A Happy One

Today is Sunday and I have spent the day rejuvenating in my hotel in L.A. while my sister spent some time with friends. I was cleaning up one of my email accounts from my laptop and came across a note I had sent to myself a while ago. When I read it to Sherry (my sis) she encouraged me to post it. I shall.

How many Judges do you REALLY have Lori? One--yourself and you are hard and difficult. Why? Now that you know, get rid of that judge and replace it with a protector.

The whole world can love me, but what really makes me happy is when I share the love inside of me and share it with the world.

I am only responsible for my half of any relationship. I cannot and do not try to change people, to try to is futile and disrespectful. If my relationships are not working I explore other possibilities within the relationship based on respect and love.

Open and honest communication is key, based on respect and love for myself and the other person. Without it the relationship will falter, especially for me. I need depth and closeness in my relationships.

I will recognize the difference between FEAR and conditions, and expectations, and the ease of LOVE and no drama.

There is an interconnectedness in all things. As life unfolds we see one event leads to another, one feeling leads to another. We realize or at least we hope we come to accept that things are as they should be. Have we kicked against it and let ourselves be miserable martyrs, have we done the right things, have we followed our hearts?

Has and is my suffering necessary?

Yes, until I get my ego in check I will always suffer. Humility calls come frequent, I learn something (insight). But there always seems to be more...

If I could be as care-free, fun-loving, non-assuming, non-judgmental, easy going as my dogs...I would be as care-free, fun-loving, non-assuming, non-judgmental, easy going and happily uncomplicated as they are too!

Dogs and Brown Butterflies

I try, I try very very hard at what ever I do. I never give up easily, actually I don't give up, I think of things as shifting positions...just as a dog would do if he was chasing butterflies.

I get attached to things, symbols, they become reminders to me. It's not the things themselves, it's the feeling that goes with them. Recently I have taken a liking to butterflies and so in the process of creating a cosmetic line for our new business we will be launching on the Internet soon, I named all of the lipsticks, eyeshadows and blushes after flowers and butterflies. It was quite a process but one that was meaningful and fun for me. This business has been brought about by love, through love, during some very trialsome times for my sister and me. We have laughed our way through most of it! Cried our way through some of it and our patient, no kidding, military colonel background partner has supported us 100% through it all. The guy is a non-emotional genius that now says he is very aware of color coordination and PMS.

Our new company is called "Never Forgotten Statements"! It's a mouthful and it says a lot! It says a lot about what a women should, could and wants to be when she walks into a room. She does not want to be forgotten. The worst thing in life is to be ignored, it equates to you mean nothing. Every man, woman and child means so much and we can reach out and make someone feel special by recognizing them with such little gestures. Maybe that is why I like Dogs and Butterflies...they do it so easily...

April Showers Bring Yellow May Flowers

There are some things I seem to be eternally drawn to since I was a teenager, Spring because it brought Summer. Flowers, especially Daisies. Groups like America and Three Dog Night, and songs like Something in the Way She Moves by James Taylor (love his clear and simple voice), and the classic, Pieces of April by Three Dog Night. This video is sappy and I love it.

Words from Pieces of April:

April gave us Springtime and the promise of the flowers and the feeling that we both shared and the love that we called ours.

We knew no time for sadness that's a road we each had crossed We were living a time meant for us and even when it would rain we would laugh it off.

We stood on the crest of summer beneath an oak that blossomed green.
Feeling as I did in April not really knowing what it means.

But it must be now that you stand beside me to make me feel this way. Just as I did in April but it's a morning in May.

I've got pieces of April I keep them in a memory bouquet, I've got pieces of April but it's a morning in May.

I'm 45 now, no longer that carefree teenager. My memory bouquet is large, beautiful and colorful, but it is sick of the rain and is in need of some fresh mountain air and maybe I can find some of my Sunshine there too...

I hope you find your bouquet of flowers in the sunshine of your life, sprinkled with a little shower...now and then.

White Water Cool and Cleansing

I love the water but I am also afraid of it. I love change but I also resist it. I would say that this is characteristic of most people? Yes? I needed a change from the garish colors I hastily chose in my inexperience and excitement to begin blogging nearly a year ago (purple, green & hot pink, EWE). This template background was another quick choice and...I quite like it...a LIGHT HOUSE, with SHADES OF GREY as a backdrop.

If I had my choice I would always spend time in the mountains before the ocean, however the symbolism of a light house means something to me at this phase of life.

Happiness never comes from outside of us. We "should" (HA) know we are responsible for our own happiness. I sometimes think we expect our spouses, or our children, or our parents to make us happy. We even shift this responsibility of pseudo happiness onto friends and maybe even partying at times. We put off being happy until this happens or that happens. Until I get this job, this house, lose this much weight. I also think that we practice and then master how to be what we are not. Why do we do this? I have seen so many motivations, reasons and fears played out, why, because I think I have done them all!

A lighthouse is strong and stalwart. It stands up through all storms and leads others to them by being steady and unwavering. It knows where it is at all times.

I'm 45. I've been lost in the mountains before. I've also been down in the abyss at sea. I have resurfaced and now I want to be a LIGHT HOUSE. Lofty goal? You should meet my parents. My family, amazing people, odd beaters. And we STILL love each other through quite a few trials... Love each other LIKE CRAZY!!!!!!

I believe we are born with the right to be happy, with the right to enjoy life. I did not say all the time for I believe we learn through our trials. But what about surrendering all those ideas about being what you are not, and become WHO you really are deep inside. I think you know if there is polarity inside yourself. When you surrender to the real You, You surrender to Life.

Words adapted from a song I love...

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap it's arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it's like to be new

I work on this every day. It matters to me that I am real.
Everything comes at a price... including Cool Clear Water.

A Wild Red Radish to Shut Up

Believe me I don't really have any interest in weeds! But sticking with my theme and trying to draw a parallel to life's lessons I guess has brought me all the way to the ground. So here are some words that were used to describe the Wild Radish: pithy, spongy, and irregular to name a few!

So here is what's on my mind...rather what seems to be on every bodies FREAKIN' mind, the economy. OMH, we know it, we should have known it, we have been over spending for way too long, But enough is enough! Can we talk about, read about or listen to something else?

When you enable bad behavior that is what you get bad behavior!

If the economy has got you down shut it off! I didn't say stick your head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist, all I am saying is focus on what you DO have control or impact on in your little world, count your blessings and CHOOSE to be happy in spite of the bombardment of negativity in the media.

My mom fixed salads all the time when I was growing up and she would put those pesky little red radishes in her salads. I just learned to work around them. I'm trying to do the same with all this "over- abundance" of talk about the economy. I know it's tough, but how many times a day do I need to be reminded?

I could have a radish once a month and that would be just about right for my taste.

Dr. C. Periwinkle & Me

Dr. C. my "psych" is retiring. Today will be my last visit with him.
The primary purpose for a psychiatrist is to 1) diagnose mental illness 2) prescribe medication 3) monitor progress/goals of medication prescribed.

The days of lying on the couch and discussing your PROBLEMS with a psych would be umm, antiquated! My appointment lasts about 30 minutes.We discuss my med's, my moods and then with Dr. C. we get to the important stuff...our dogs, philosophizing, relating about life and all we have learned on our journey called life.

I have had a few psych's, but none like Dr. C. To pin point what makes this Doc different, memorable, and one that will always hold a spot in my heart, here is one example: Simple phone calls..."Lori, this is Dr. C. your appointment was 10 minutes ago and I can't treat you if you're not here. I care about you and want to know how you are doing." I was at the check in counter!

My first visit with Dr. C. actually was nearly 3 hours long and it seemed as though he had studied my 'file' for 3 hours before our visit. He had many questions, many insights and many observations from past treatments I had received. No bull this Doc cared, he did his homework and then furthermore LISTENED to me and what I felt was best with my med's. I studied a lot about anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, maoi- inhibitors, and mood stabilizers prior to my official diagnosis of bi- polar. Dr. C and I always worked as a team. There was trust between us. I shared with him what I was experiencing, he taught me about the illness and I have been the beneficiary.

Obtaining good psychiatry these days is difficult. There are so few psychiatrists and it takes months to get into them and frankly people don't like to flaunt that they go to one! Humm that's funny?! I for one don't want to trust my mental health to someone who practices, key word, they are all PRACTICING, the entire body or my female organs. I want someone who "specialized in the brain". Thus, yup I have a brain disorder and I have a psyche!

Medication for mental illnesses are being prescribed like candy in every kind of office across the country as well as trying to be substituted in the health food stores by all kinds of homeopathic remedies. I am not here to say one is right or wrong. I will say beware, use caution and be an educated consumer and steward over your own body and mind. There are plenty of "Who Saids of the Greater Magnitude" out there either wanting your dime or boosting their ego...on your back and ignorance.

To Dr. C.,

The Periwinkle flower signifies sweet remembrance, yes that is what the memories in your office will be SWEET REMEMBRANCE...

A Dose of White Narcissus

What an absolutely gorgeous wildflower, that denotes selfishness? If you have never heard of the term narcissism read on, you may learn something insightful. I thought it was interesting that Narcissism got notoriety amongst the wildflower family.

Let's be honest here, there is plenty of narcissism in my family. As I have said before, I am no expert in anything I blog (blab) about, unless it comes to the school of actually staring it in the face kind...I have been fortunate enough to have about 19 years of on again off again counseling with one of the most compassionate, insightful human spiritual beings I have come to know. What a benefit it has been in my life.

Sometimes narcissism is easy to spot and other times not so much. I do know some wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I'm not going to give advice on what to do with narcissistic people in your life. All I can say is, they are difficult, and rarely do they recognize their behavior and truthfully they can make life uncomfortable to downright painful for those around them...But if your life is miserable remember that is YOUR choice. You never change ANYONE but yourself. So you either live with it or leave it, or if you're the accommodating type, you live Your life around them. That's how it works. For better and worse, know the score.

Here are a FEW SIGNS of narcissism in its negative form:
They:
1) Need lots of admiration and attention from others
2) Feel a certain sense of entitlement
3) Feel the need to be unique or special in others eyes
4) More interested in their concerns than in yours
5) Want to control what you do and say
6) Pout
7) Fail to listen to you
8) Change the topic when you're talking about something that has emotional intensity for you
9) Manipulate you
10) Use emotional blackmail

There is a positive side of narcissism; yes we must have a certain dose of it to be healthy. I suppose we are always seeking for a good BALANCE in all things.

1) Have empathy
2) Have a sense of humor
3) Are creative
4) Able to delay gratification
5) Assumption of responsibility to self and others
6) A capacity to develop and maintain meaningful and satisfying relationships
7) A deep and broad range of emotional expressiveness (I like that one!)
8) Firm and clear boundaries

Fortunately or unfortunately when you look in the mirror you see a mixture of your parents staring back at you. Whether you want to admit it or not it's true! The real question is how aware of it are we, and which parts of them did we take the good, the bad or the ugly? Probably a little of all three?!

I worked with my mom for 20 years. Now she is just my mom and I like it that way. My sister is now my business partner and in many ways we are alike and in others we are totally opposite. My sister is my only living sibling. I guess it has been like having a double dose of watching me now that we spend so much time together... For better or worse, we definitely know the score and we always are on each other’s side 100 percent!

A Thorny Rose Garden

I had such a beautiful talk with my niece this past weekend. She has been what I call 'cocooning' a lot lately. A condition I am rather familiar with. When some of us hurt we nurture ourselves by seeking out help, and some of us retreat and emerge when we feel better. I believe the truth is we all need someone close that we let in, that we can trust to help us through the rough spots in life, but timing is everything. I don't always do what I preach.

This little niece of mine has been hurting for a while now, and I knew it, but Friday just seemed to be the right day to visit.

The two if us are an awful lot alike and she went off her anti-depressant one year ago. I never said anything to her but encouraging words. Who of us wants to be on medication?

She started back on Zoloft, the anti-depressant she has taken for several years, two days before I paid my visit. As she reflected back on her year she shared a few insights with me. I'd like to share them with you. 1)She realized she started to lose interest in her business of which she was in a #1 position at the time. 2)She felt she was in a fog at times. 3)There were times she felt hopeless and felt there was no where to turn. 4)She had lost that innate connection between mind, body and her spirituality that at one time was very easy for her.

Actually I could go on with more insights from this incredible woman, she is filled to the brim with an acute awareness of herself and life. She may have been in a foggy haze for a time but that is what makes her, "rose garden" all the brighter when she comes out. I think we have to experience some tough times to really appreciate the good times.

Her husband is a Type I diabetic. In her wisdom she said, "I don't tell him that I expect his body to make insulin so he doesn't have to take his medication every day!" "I would never do that." We looked at each other and WE GOT IT! Her brain doesn't make enough "feel good chemicals".

It IS so hard to GET because we don't SEE or understand all the many facets of how the brain gets depleted of serotonin, dopamine, nor epinephrine, and these are just the chemicals in the brain that we know about.

Nobody promised us Rose Gardens...and if you plant one yourself you just have to take care of it! (I hear they're thorny buggers.)

TANned Out

Tomorrow is March 5th. Tandin my baby turns 19. I get to take him to lunch, then we all get together to party like rock stars as we do so well in our family. He has been looking forward to getting an iPhone for sometime and this birthday looked like the day! However, being the free spirit and one who never wants to say "I wish I would have..." he will be taking off for So. Cal. on Saturday "until his money runs out" or class resumes at USU on March 16, which ever happen first.

This child of mine has been the organizer of fun for as long as I can remember. I am pretty sure if you were to sit down and talk to him about his life this far he would have very few regrets. He values family, friends and experiences. He is taking his education seriously and this little window of time to relax is well worth putting off that iPod (now he just needs so.cal money)!!

I learn a lot from my boys. Tan has always been so level headed, and also had this uncanny ability to seize the moment. His sheer intelligence and sense of balance makes me feel safe when I am around him. When we had our boat several years ago he was the caretaker even though he was the youngest. He has an eclectic set of personality traits. When I think of him I smile. He is humorous beyond, but he has to be in the mood and you have to be sharp enough to catch it.


Tandin does not repeat things. If you didn't catch it the first time then, well you are pretty much SOL. His mind works at lighting speed and if can keep up it's interesting and fun. If not you're just TANned out with the many others...

Shades of Grey in Clarification

I had my husband say to me a few weeks ago after reading one of my blogs, "I didn't get it." I said, "What didn't you get?"

For the first time I had to delete an entire blog of my own because although I "got it," it was rather STUPID! Not to mention I rambled...IMAGINE that?!

But here is the deal. I don't spell it all out. I mean who am I? I am no expert in anything I talk about, but I sure like to pretend!

I don't want my blog to be about getting me. However i hope it does shed some light on mental illness and mood disorders. But most of the time I like to provoke thoughts within you. I am just someone with a lot of School of Hard Rock experiences and I am not afraid to put it out there for people to 'knock' on.

If your life has been Shades of Grey...and maybe you have even had several ones that were as colorful, exciting and changing as a kaleidoscope then I am not alone. It has been good therapy for me to share. I hope along the way it has been good for someone else too.

Black & White and Needy All Over

As I came home from my buying trip last night only to be greeted by the most zealous of three dogs and one fine smelling happy husband. I pushed my way through the sea of dogs to the kitchen and crouched down to enjoy the puppy greetings. Mr. Dozer in all his 70 pounds of over-anxiousness, pushed me over and was on top of me. He seems as of late to be extremely forward with the pretty ladies so I was quite flattered and giggled as I pushed his 3 inch paws off of me.

Zion seemed to bark incessantly as if to say, "Hey, that is my mom, she is my property, get away, I want her all to myself, everyone back off!" It never works. She has to wait her turn until bed time, then she knows she gets prime spot and curls right by my tummy and contently sleeps there till morning.

Now it is Roxee that I am terribly concerned for. She truly was IN MY FACE all night and all morning. There is such a thing called body space, and she invades it, like really bad! I am used to this and I am okay with her doing it because I figure she needs a little bonding, but this went on for a full hour or more and resumed again this morning, before I awoke. Then she rolled over and insisted on a tummy rub. This little baby does not take NO for an answer either. She gives new meaning to IN YOUR FACE. And she is so cute and obnoxious you can't say no because she needs it so bad you give in no matter how unattractive the white side of her face is, because the black side is absolutely adorable.

I actually realize I need her as much as she needs me...it's just good to be needed!

The Black Abyss

Things get low and then they get really low...the kind where life is not really worth living. I have a friend who felt this way today and tried to take her life. Fortunately for us she did not succeed. This is not her first attempt.

I have felt despair before, but not to this degree and my heart breaks as I think of my friend and the overwhelming pain she endures. Her life has not been easy, those who know her are awe-inspired by her bravery and her ability to overcome the obstacles placed before her. She has more... more obstacles, more challenges, more sad days, they do not go away. Life is a journey and we are in it together and this beautiful lady has taught so many of us more than she will ever know. Unfortunately we obviously have not done so well at communicating the impact she has had on so many.

Some plights in life are by chance others are by choice. We evaluate and accept those we cannot change and move up and away from those that are literally taking us down, down to the deep dark black abyss. Sometimes we get feeling so low that we get hooked on or into the very things that are bringing us down.

I love what my Sister reminds me of regularly. What are you willing to let go of, to get what you want???

Green Far Away Places

This is actually Machu Picchu, a place I will some day visit.

My new business has been requiring some travel. I am on a plane to Vegas, but just finished an article about a woman traveling to Colca Valley, Peru. As I read from the article…"I walk along a dirt path, where clusters of bright-orange chinchircuma flowers lure iridescent-green hummingbirds. Suddenly, Ocelle, a kind of massive theater-in-the-round comes into view. Every shade of green is represented on the steppes. A lone Collagua woman appears to be harvesting something in the distance, and I try to imagine the valley populated by communities of farmers as it was centuries ago"…I felt as if I was there.

This is the type of travel I really want to do.

There are times I wonder about these distant places and if I am ever to go there, will I want to ever come back?

Sly Yellow Foxtails

This mature yellow Foxtail is classified as the "natural enemy weed"! I suppose there are other things in life that are natural enemies to us as well.

One of the things I have found to be quite destructive is making assumptions. We automatically assume that whatever we think to be RIGHT...in OUR minds, often times can turn out to be our own personal enemy. Ironically we created the enemy, justified the enemy, dramatized the enemy and it just plain made life harder than it had to be for ourselves and those around us! Whether it is a situation, a relationship, a belief, or anything in our lives that causes us discomfort, somewhere along the way someone (mostly ourselves) assumed something, and we believed it!

One of my favorite books of all time is The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. The 4 agreements are: 1)Keep your word. 2)Don't take things personally. 3) Don't make assumptions. 4) Do your best.

My thoughts are that we make assumptions about everything because we do not ask and/or answer enough questions! Basic poor communication.

You have probably heard the expression 'Sly as a Fox'. Well I have no desire to be sly. I want to live what ever time I have left as real as possible.

As I 'do my best' to live by these four agreements, it is a continual awareness on my part as to whether or not I am actually even close to living by any one of the agreements. It is much harder than you can imagine. But just being cognitive of these principles has brought some understanding as to the drama we create for ourselves and just how important good communication is for inner peace and happiness.

And finally accepting ourselves for the imperfect beings that we are. I certainly have varying degrees of "BEst" from day to day! Yes, I do realize other people may be more consistent than I and that's okay too!! When I am good I am very very good...when I am bad, well you know the rest of the story...:)

Beware Blackberries Can Dissappoint With Age

Things I knew but was reminded of this past weekend:

Boys can be normal when they return home from their missions.

Some people can pretend to be gracious and non-judgmental, but you can see through their insincerity.

You grow the very most through the tough stuff.

Depression is tough stuff.

Some depression is situational.

Some depression is chemical.

Some depression is both situational and chemical brought on by a
myriad of what I call life lessons... and possible crappy genes.

Romantic love is tough stuff.

Sometimes perspective on depression and/or love doesn't make either one any easier...they are both just damn hard.

Men hurt as much as women do.

Pride and poor communication kill relationships.

You have to watch out for Blackberries they are not always as sweet as they look. Which is a disappointment to say the least.

When I was a little girl I would go to my great grandmother's house in Slaterville and have a fresh bowl of berries and milk. In my mind I thought that they would never end for i was never limited on my consumption, only the amount of sugar i added. This was a time of satisfaction and comfort. Life was simple then and I was loved
unconditionally...

I honestly can't say when the last bowl of berries I had was. I think I complicate the simplicity of them. I make blackberry pie, put them in cereal or yogurt. Going back home is usually best.

It was driven home strong to me this weekend that we all over-complicate life and judge to harshly...this certainly includes ME!

Growing Forsynthia and Children Naturally

Forsythia are an extremely fast growing bush, up to one to two feet per year. The decision to prune or leave natural, is a matter of personal taste. It's also a function of where you've planted the bush. If grown in the yard singly or in small groups, they look stunning left to grow naturally. If grown as a hedgerow, or along foundations, pruning often is a requirement to maintain a neat and manageable appearance.

Forsythia are among the earliest of spring bloomers. You can force blooms indoors in winter. It will brighten up any room in the greyest and snowiest of winter days. Seems like a lot of information about a wildflower you may not be interested in unless you are a gardener or flower MANIAc...but I like metaphors.

My son is coming home from Florida today. Yellow is the theme for the weekend. It is happy and I am happy. I am also nervous because he embarks on a new phase of life and in a sense, so do I. Each time your child changes so do you as a parent. I have anticipated this day. I feel ill prepared, but I know that it is upon us and meant to be as it is.

Chase is 21 years old and has character and depth beyond most 21 year olds because of things he and our family has struggled with. We as a family are grateful for challenges we face. Chase has the ability to relate with people and extend his compassion for he has felt the depths of despair and humility himself. This is how life works...it comes full circle.

Chase is returning home 7 months before he had originally planned because unfortunately I have passed down some of this awful thing called a mood disorder. He has fought while in Florida and done so with immense honor and sheer gut. It is necessary now to redetermine a different medication for him. He was not on any medication when he left for Florida back in September of 2006.

His return comes with excitement for me and our entire family. It also comes with some trepidation for things that he will have to face. I suppose I could put him in a hedgerow, prune him often, and keep his appearance "neat and manageable". I choose not to do this for this child looks stunning left to grow...naturally. Just exactly the way he is!

Somewhere Over the RAINBOW

All THREE of my children have been on my mind non-stop this past weekend. This song has special meaning to me and low and behold my sister sent this beautiful video to me this morning...needless to say, the tears flowed.

My son drove back to college last night on bad roads. I let him take my car because his car has bald tires. He sent a text when he arrived safely, with an additional, "Thanks for being the biggest sweetheart in the world. Love you so much." How lucky am I to get that from my 18 year old BOY!? I had a terrible dream last night that my oldest son called me and could barely speak in the phone and then the phone went silent. I was frantic with fear. I have felt helpless as my son has been in Florida when I knew he was suffering and there was nothing I could do.

Yes, I could let my son take my car (and drive his junker for a week, big deal). But I can't drive the car for him. Believe me I thought about driving him home, but then what would he drive all week? Ewe, mother that is co-dependent! We cannot live our childrens lives and we cannot do things for them. We cannot protect them from mistakes, heartaches, illness, or accidents that may even take their lives. This dream I had last night made me feel tremendous compassion and a glimpse of the darkness my dear friends who lost their daughter last year in an accident may have possibly felt.

Parenting is a tough job. It is filled with ups and downs. But what is the alternative? You take the sadness with the happiness. You would never know such deep and pure love without raising children.

I remember the day I had T.J., my first born. I called my mother and cried and said to her..."I never knew you loved me this much."

When it rains, the sun shines through and there are RAINBOWS. I believe those rainbows are beautiful tender children sending love to their parents who have passed before their TIME...

What These Feet Feel In the Yellow Florida Sun

These "Jordan Kicks" were on my sons feet out in Florida on a P-day where he is serving a mission for our church. Florida is supposedly the SUNSHINE state. I equate sunshine with happiness and the color YELLOW with being happy. As in everything Florida has taken its fair share of rain and hurricanes. As for me, I would never choose to live in Florida. Our family vacationed there and had a blast. Live there? I'll pass. I suppose it is what we get used to...I kind of like the four changes of seasons where I live.

Grey skies...they come...and they come unfortunately to those families who have inherited this awful thing called mental illness. My brave and stalwart son has battled some depression out in the mission field as he has served in Florida. Again we are not a family that is ashamed of this medical issue, however we still fight the battle of ignorance all around.

Missionaries walk and they walk a lot, or they ride their bikes. They do have access to a car on occasion to get to certain destinations. Getting out in the fresh air and exercise is especially good for depression. This has been documented and proven time after time, however when the depression persists beyond several weeks there is no exercising, praying, thinking, dieting, or perfect living this stuff away. You need help and you need humility. I say humility because it is usually pride that keeps us from saying, "I need help, I can't seem to get over this feeling." If you ever find yourself saying that, don't waste another precious day, getting help is easier than you think. Everyone's path for healing and feeling better is different. Reaching out is your first step.

I wish that each of us could walk a mile in 10 other peoples shoes...maybe some Jordans, some military combat boots, ballet shoes, or possible rags because shoes were not affordable or even available. I believe we would then look at the world through different eyes because of what our feet felt. But it is so easy to get self-absorbed. Another way to help with depression is to help someone else...however it is well known that you cannot give away what you do not have yourself.

A message to my son...I love you more than words could possibly say. When your feet hit the streets of Florida, though they may be heavy, carry on for you are a strength and example to many. Your heart may ache for the comforts of home, but there are others who will never go home at all. Your mind may twist and turn with grey thoughts that tear you down and tell you that you are worth very little, but remember my son you were preserved and given another chance in this life, you were meant to SHINE ON!!!

White Masks We Hide Behind

Not so sure my son would be happy about me posting this pic of the little home facial that I'm giving him, but I'm betting he never really knows about it!

I'm an esthetician by trade, a mother by heart, a friend by soul, and a human by nature. I've put a lot of masks as an esthetician on people over the years to hydrate, oxygenate, moisturize and energize. But my personal favorite is the kaolin clay mask. This type of a mask dries on the skin and helps to purge the pores of all the debris that has been trapped that causes you to break out.

Over the years as I have performed many facials on people my rewards were always so far beyond the temporal gains because of the way I was able to share and relate with so many people. There was often times more purging of the soul than purging of the pores. Not exactly sure how, or why, but people often trusted me early and often. I am grateful for that and I feel they had every reason, for I cared very deeply for them and I never broke a confidence.

After being in the beauty industry for over 25 years now I have now moved to a different sector of business. I learned very early in the beauty industry that beauty was just about having the skills and the know how to put it all together. I guess when I think of all the years I spent in our salon, the work I am most proud of is that if I lifted someones spirits enough so that they felt as though they were beautiful and worthwhile just as they are...no mask necessary...no makeup, no hairstyle...no nothin'. In fact I love them that much more, more purely and easily when they didn't have to be perfect.

We wear a lot of masks in our lives. We don't recognize that we do. I believe we have to wear many different hats in our lives, the chauffeur hat, the chefs hat--I liked my dog trainer hat, but why so many masks? Do the masks we wear beget themselves from fear derived from within ourselves (internally) or outside (externally)? Personally speaking mine have come from both. My awareness of these particularly recently and my desire to clean my face has helped me to work on breaking free. It's a scary thing. I have come to realize how comfortable certain masks are. Just as a blanket is when it is cold.

Here are some lines from a song that I love...
Another Place to Fall by--KT Tunstall
There isn't much more I can say
For I don't understand the delay
You're asking for friendly advice
And remaining in permanent crisis
Affection is yours if you ask
But first you must take off your MASK
When you're back's turned I've decided I'll throw it away just like I did

I wash my face every day. Actually twice a day, I still break out. I still use a white kaolin clay mask too and I have other masks because I fear, I fear a lot of things...but I'm working on it.

Mr. Brown Eyes Old Soul in Manhattan

After spending a week in Manhattan and I'll have to admit missing the dogs...I thought about how fun it would be to have Mr. Dozer with me as I so anxiously perused the streets of New York all week.

When I am home I can just look at this dudes old soul and by intuition know what his simple, gentle mind is thinking. And often times the two of us have great conversations! You would love his deep slow dopey voice. It is rather endearing. I actually have learned quite a bit from him even though he is just a dog and a dumb bulldog at that!

I can just imagine~~~walking down 5th Avenue with Mr. Dozer and he would say, "Hey wud everybudy hurry-n-bout? I HERE!!!"

Why does everyone hurry in New York? And why do you feel you DO NOT MATTER?

Something else Dozer would say, "Gram, peoples wear lotta cool stuff but I not know who THEY are. My spike collar cool but I still Dozer when you take it off."

And another thought..."Gram why you not go sing with that guy!?"

I'm going to leave that one alone. Rhyming, pitch, tone, not necessary just sing their name...a lot. Guaranteed dogs LOVE it and you. No matter what!

Last one. "Why I not see anybudy laughing real loud like you do Gramog?"

Doz the streets are awfully cold this time of year and incidentally we (my sis & i) ended up warming up in the women's bathrooms and sharing a few belly laughs.

...As I entered my stall, hung up my coat and other gear, and got settled on the commode, no sooner did this flash of photos from under the next stall come with a bragging voice saying, "Would you like to see my grand kids?" We busted up in this public bathroom hysterically laughing as I quickly popped to the picture on my iPhone whipped it under on her side and said "Would you like to see my Grandogs?" Which brought on more fits of laughter that may be quite foreign to New Yorkers. Yes, I will absolutely admit it was rather juvenile for us 45 & 50 year old women to be carrying on this way but this would have made my Brown Eyed Old Soul Dozer happy.

Simple things are priceless.

My Big BLUe Berry Pie Mouth

Oh my I have been acting not so smart! In fact all this awareness that I speak of...ummm, not doing so well. I certainly did not wake up and think, "How am I going to enable this that is really not good for this person I love so much?" I did not see it! My heart is good, at least I think it is. Sometimes emotions are just SO strong and we do what we think is best given the information we have at hand, and where WE are at emotionally at the time, plays into it as well. I'm not perfect and last time I checked you didn't have to be either. Now there's a consolation.

How difficult it is to be a parent sometimes and yet it is the greatest joy we will ever know...and suffer. And we do it willingly and we would do it over and over again because of the great reward of the purest love their is of parent and child.

Maybe in your circumstances it does not seem this way. It can also be the cause of one of the most painful and confusing unresolved issues that we deal with or rather do NOT deal with over a life time. I believe if we don't deal with it at some point and fix it, it gets handed down from generation to generation. Thus the label dysfunctional family was born! I haven't met a dysfunctional family I haven't liked. Come to think of it I haven't met a family that is not dysfunctional!

I'm so sorry for the dumb things I have said and done lately. I am sometimes a 'know-it-all' in some areas of life, other areas I'm as dumb as a rock. I just got humbled and as my husband says (or some sports talk show host that he listens to too much ;)) SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE! In which he knows I really would much rather eat a big piece of BLUe berry pie!

My 2008 Year End Picks...

As the year comes to a close I have picked a color, a wildflower and a weed to represent my summation of 2008...I also decided to add the Pink Panther Theme since Pink was my color of choice. I liked Pink Panther while I was growing up, but my brother Dave LOVED him. He watched cartoons (all of them) up until his tragic accident 14 years ago at the tender age of 34. When I hear this song I smile. It brings back many good memories for me as a teenager.

My Color Pick: PINK: Pink encourages friendliness while discouraging aggression and ill-will. That says a lot for me right there. Enough said.

My Wildflower Pick: The BUTTERFLY WEED: Yes it says weed, but it is a beautiful bright orange flower! I picked it because a butterfly does come from an ugly caterpillar. 2008 had many ugly times but I have experienced enough in my life to know that these ugly times do turn into butterflies of some sort. This flower is somewhat slow from the seed, but once it is established in loose soil, it is a very permanent fixture in meadows.

My Weed Pick: ASPARAGUS: Actually asparagus IS classified as a weed, but is a member of the lily family? This all seems a little mixed up, which seems to fit my year as well. I picked asparagus for a couple of reasons: One, because I have fond memories of going along the ditch bank and picking it with my brother when we were little. My mom would then cook it for dinner. It is one of my favorite vegetables. Two,it is a nutrient rich food full of potassium, fiber, and vitamins. Which is such an important message for me to remember...even something as terrible as a weed can be good for you! We often times judge quickly and harshly. I have found that the times I am most judgmental and harsh is when I am that way with myself.

There has been an immense amount of change in my life in 2008. I have a better awareness of who I am than ever before in my life. Some things I love, some things I like and there are many many things I am still working on. So bring on 2009! I believe I am ready and it is my hope that you are too...or shall I say whatever your journey is I hope it brings you joy and happiness.

In the End my Picks for my life will be my own and this IS GOOD...not all people in this world can and those who CAN sometimes choose not to.

A Big Fat RED Piece of BEEF

I have some Beef!!!

I certainly do not mean to be sounding cynical lately! My son wrote to me from Florida and was wondering WHAT my last blog was "really about" and what was behind my children being hurt? The truth is, I am inspired by present day happenings in my life, however I do/will reflect on past situations quite often.

I am fiercely loyal, I'm a Leo. I take family and friendships very seriously and lovingly. It is more important to me than work, things, money, activities, sports, dogs, and cookies! It is amazing to me how many times I see people play the roles but become So self serving in the heat of the moment.  

How many times do we reduce PEOPLE as a means to an end?? or as a mere function to a particular role for us to play? or a convenience in OUR LIVES? I do wonder? I see, or rather feel it quite often and when I do, it HURTS...and I must remind myself to MOVE AWAY FROM THE PAIN!!!

I believe some of us get caught in the webs that lies around us, and still we follow, and still we stay in these self destructive patterns. It is so terribly difficult to get out, sometimes we don't even recognize the web that has been spun around us!  

Being true to yourself can be painful at first, but Deathly if you ignore it. You can be dead on the inside but still have a heartbeat. I've been there. You have to know self administered CPR. You have to be strong, resilient and search for it............ any way you know how. You cannot do it alone, that is why we have friends and family! Pride HAS to be put aside, humility ALWAYS comes before change.

I get hurt and I eventually get over it. Time heals life's wounds. You will heal too, and if you choose to be bitter, you will never be better.  Pain disguises itself with an ugly face.

The only way to have lots of friends is, BE A friend. The only way to have great relations with your family is MAKE good relations with your family. You either draw people to you.... or you don't. 

You choose. At some point you have to ask yourself who is the common denominator, if it is you, CHANGE.... or be the Victim.

You can be offended by my BEEF.......or Not. If it hits close to home and you feel the sting, then do something about it, life is too short.

If you have narcissism in your family, i strongly suggest the book, "Children of the Self Absorbed". I have read it 3 times. Most families/relationships have some element of
narcissism, and it can be crippling. You CAN get past it. It takes TIME, but you can!

I suppose Red Beef can be good, it just depends on how you prepare it.... and how you  digest it. I am working on developing a taste for "rare please" and i will probably try to keep it in small proportions. "Moderation in all things" has proven to be a good motto for me.

Brown Mother Bear is Right & Happy

I do not like to be manipulated. I do not like phony people. They make life painful. One area that is particularly sensitive is when you hurt my children...Mother Bear comes out!!!

I do not believe people wake up and think "Okay, I am going to ruin Mrs. Whojit's day today by speaking poorly about her children." Of course they don't! People just don't think at all. They think they are different. They think their judgments are okay and justified. Apparently they think their words do not travel or do not hurt?

I do not like people who abuse their power. Position is not to be over someone. I have found that the most effective way of leading people is by their side and cheering them on. Understanding where they are at, being there with them IN the moment. Counseling your team is much different than telling. Inspiring is much different than motivating. Asking is much different than telling. Power can be very positive or negative!

Some people are takers other are givers. The best relationships are two givers. Two takers won't last long at all. Oftentimes you have a taker and a giver...until the giver just gives out. Truth is you may change roles with different people at different times in your life, but by nature you are either one or the other.

I believe that most people do have good hearts and truly want to do good by others. I also believe there is a deficit of love and an abundance of self absorbed people that fear the very thing they need the most...Unconditional Love.

It seems to make sense that if we give Unconditional Love away it WILL come back...at least from the people that we would be interested in it from...RIGHT? RIGHT!

Now Mother Bear is Right AND Happy about that one!!!

My Christmas Eve White Blanket of Peace

I am dogsitting for the holiday! This beautiful white ball of fur is Izzy. Izzy and my dog Zion are best friends. Don't let their difference in size fool you. Zion generally dominates when it comes to play time with toys, but that is just because Izzy is so mild mannered and has the disposition of a Saint. Zion and Izzy know what it means to comfort a soul in need. For that they are special beyond words...and spoiled beyond comprehension.

Izzy has been with us for a few days now and it is amazing to get to know the personality of a dog. They differ just as humans. Izzy's family was hit by tragedy last March. They lost their daughter in a skiing accident and I believe it is by no accident that Izzy was meant to be in their home to help heal and soothe them during their times of need. As I work in my home office I have had a picture of Izzy and Jocie that I took 3 weeks prior to her accident hanging to the left of my screen. It helps remind me of what Jocie taught me. One: that life is fragile and it can change in an instant. Two: Love purely, unconditionally and vivaciously. Three: Go BIG or Go HOME.This was her motto and she lived by it thoroughly.

Jocie went home on March 22, 2008. Anyone that knew her has never been the same for she had a "big personality". She was as full of life as her red hair was beautiful, but for as much as we do not understand why tragedies happen we must trust in the Lord in all His goodness and know that He will take care of us through the good and the bad. Life IS hard. I don't believe it was meant to be easy because if you really reflect on your life and ask yourself when have I grown the most, I think you will discover it is when life is the toughest. When you have to claw your way out of darkness is when you really find out who you are and what is really important to you.

All to often we make Christmas about us. How tired we are, how many presents WE gave, got, wrapped. How much WE cooked, cleaned, worked, ate, partied, shopped. Every time I catch on to that old inkling of when you lose yourself you will find yourself low and behold it works!! It's a funny thing. When I get caught up in myself...that is when I am the most miserable.

Christ was ALWAYS the perfect example. Humble, meek, mild, patient, long suffering, understanding, kind, charitable. We complicate a lot of things. This life really is short. It is meant to be happy, joyful and peaceful. Today I am grateful to snuggle up to a white blanket of peace along with my consistent companion Zion.

Two of my three boys will be gone this Christmas. There are no presents under our tree this year. Our boys are older, our extended family is under different circumstances this year. Nothing however seems amiss. My glass is always half full because that is the perspective I choose (most of the time). No one was a better example of standing up though being spat upon, beaten, teased, tested, whipped, homeless and forsaken. After all the dumb things I have done He has NEVER forsaken me!

I am grateful to be able to reflect and remember Christ this CHRISTmas and to have had a white blanket of peace come to me.

A Joyful Ball of Red, Green Blue, Orange...

OK, now this is funny! I say that's the HOLIDAY SPIRIT!! To me it says: "I was thinking about it, got tired and went in and had myself a cup o' hot cocoa and did what ever I wanted!" You go boy or girl, whatever the case may be. It doesn't look as though the weather was too snowy out, couldn't use that excuse! And why do we have to have an excuse? It's our houses, can't we do with them as we please? To which I say, NO, he** NO, not if you're my neighbor, I don't want that hangin' around my house but I sure get a kick out of it in other neighborhoods.

When my husband and I drive around in December we inevitably make comments or shall I say dis on the bad Christmas light "jobs" and laugh our heads off. So here was one last night...the old half way around the HUGE pine tree in the front lawn gets ample lights, starts running out of lights the tree gets too tall so the rest of the lights get attached to the eaves of the house, (but just on half of the eaves)...of course! LOVE IT!!! Here is another we saw last night. The beautifully lit huge home that sits on top of the hill with all white lights professionally done that perfectly shows off the windows and pitches. The small home that sits next to the HUGE home with a few mis-matchy lights that have probably been pulled from their basement and thrown on the few small pine trees and put on the front of part of the house like bad teeth that look like they need braces. Hummm? I might just say to George, "why don't you skip it this year honey?"

One year my husband worked very hard to neatly line the sidewalk with lights by first putting stakes up and then neatly attaching the lights to the stakes. (I had nothing to do with this.) The first person to come along kicked them, and well you can probably finish the story from there...

Ok here is one more I love, this one I call the bipolar. This is the yard that has the blinking lights on the tree and the solid at the same time and you look at it and you say to yourself...what am I suppose to think about that??? Well that is exactly how I FEEL sometimes!!

All in all, this sounded very condescending, but believe me what ever makes you JOYFUL it is all worth it. so for now I'm going to go have a cup o' cocoa and snuggle with the dogs in front of the fire.

If all Christmas lights were perfect and there were no blinking ones December drives would be really boring. Such is life if you think about it.

The Garlic Weeds

Ya I realize Garlic is NOT a weed. However the weeds at the ski resort yesterday sure made the mountain "stink!" One run, 19 inches or so...not so good! Our friends, oddly enough last name "Garlicks's" asked us to go and fools that we are, we geared up and went.

In this picture of many HAPPY skiers atop Targhee resort in Wyoming you would find both of our families scattered about. We started going there annually when our children were young. Now all of our children are grown and we generally "tag-a-long" with the Garlick's where ever they go. They know the best spots and are absolute animals when it comes to the outdoors. We always threaten to get in shape for the next round of activities and never follow through, but they seem to appease us and like us still. They have to wait for us (or at least me) quite often. I have had a lot of rather good excuses I thought...I'm working on my next one!

I have always loved the mountains. If I need peace this is where I go. It is also very easy for me to get lost in the complexities of life. But the true reality is, it is all very simple and I make it hard. Maybe it is just me, I don't know?

Just as we depend on nature for our own physical survival, we can depend on nature to show us the way home, out of our own thinking minds. I get lost in thinking, worrying, doing, remembering, anticipating, and it is all really ridiculous. Think about it this way, what has nature really taught us? The rocks, the weeds, the flowers, the animals already know how to just be! It sounds so simple and maybe it is? Maybe things are meant to be just a little more simple and that is why a visit to nature might help us to not be such "stinkers!"

The Big Red Apple

How swiftly life can change. I like change, but resist it all the same. I create it and then fight myself for having done so. I am taking a leave of absence from my business that I have toiled over for 21 years. I fretted over this business like it was one of my children, which is exactly why I needed a break. It is not my nature to sit idle so I am starting a new internet business. My business is in very good hands and will carry on with or without me. This is as it should be.

To follow your passions, isn't it the souls duty to be loyal to its desires? I fear these changes because staying where I am is safe, it's predictable, but somehow along the way I have known I have needed a change.

My mother told me just the other day that I should eat an apple every day, that it would be "good for me." I had a dream just the other night that eating an apple was on my TO DO checklist. I have had a planner and worked from a TO DO checklist since I was 21 years old. It drives me so hard that sometimes I have forgotten how to just enjoy the simple things. Productivity has been more important sometimes than people. Aghh! My new business partner is now the checklist guy. He tells us what to do and we are the creators. I like it.

My sister and I will be working in The BIG APPLE next month. My sister and I have traveled to some of the most beautiful places on earth together for business. Now I don't know about beautiful but if there is one place you can feel so totally free to be who you are without anyone giving a hoot and holler it is Manhattan. I think we're going to like that. We are both starting anew.

For some reason I can't seem to get Sheryl Crow's song out of my head "The Change Will Do You Good." So for now I'm going to go with that. I guess somebody has to!

3 Black Noses and a Lady

I am afraid I have become the enabler of bad behavior! Actually I have probably done more than my share all my life. It's a hard habit to break when you are the people-pleaser peace-maker kind of person. All things are very good-- in moderation. I don't have all the answers that's for sure.

So Roxee Lynn snores in bed. Actually all 3 dogs snore, and I just put my iPod in and try to sing myself back to sleep. We only have a queen size bed. I can deal with a couple of very small Bostons in my bed in fact I rather love the warmth and security. The bed accommodates four just fine Mr. Dozer is welcome in off hours. Eleven to seven are pretty well designated for my husband. Here is the problem...if I have been gone all day I feel Dozer needs the togetherness of the family and not to be singled out by making him sleep on the couch in the other room or at the foot of our bed. He's a freaking DOG (I know)! And I love him, I cuddle him, play with him, pick up after him, scold him, feed him, clean out the boogers in his eyes for him and I feel his tender little heart. What can I say? So some nights it's the 5 of us (and it ain't pretty). My legs feel like they are in a mummy sleeping bag made out of dog. We usually get to fore go the 5 a.m. growl potty call from Mr. Dozer because his bladder does not seem to bother him so much when he feels the warmth of Gramog's legs all night. Funny thing?

My son doesn't care about the sleeping arrangements. When he takes his booboo's on "his weekends" they sleep with him too. But he is NOT happy about my indulgence with his babies and sharing my toast, okay little snippets of meat, maybe a little cookie here and there, ya they actually ate broccoli with me the other day. OK, so we eat all of our meals together!!! The 3 kids are gone now and I just have 3 different pair of hungry eyes looking at me when I eat! If I don't share they love me all the same, but what the heck they love people food sooooo much. Dozer sometimes whines when I am getting to the end of my toast. Is this bad behavior, poor dog etiquette, have I enabled him? I think he is an awfully smart bulldog. Gramog is proud!

It is said that we let our grandchildren (or grandog's) get away with more than we would our own children. WELL I'LL BE! Is this not how it should be? Is there proper order in how things are to be done, those'unwritten rules'? Grandparents, spouses, even step parents until they have earned the respect and trust(which takes time)should be there to support and give unconditional love to family (dogs are family too ya know). Do we disempower the actual one who should be in charge of doing the parenting, the parent(s) themselves when we overpower them because we think we are the ones who have all the answers? Who is to say you are right? Just a thought??? I realize some grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. have custodial rights and they ARE the designated authority and primary disciplinarian and caretaker in the child's...or dogs life, whatever the situation may be.

I am not advocating letting children get away with bad destructive behavior that is violating you. That is called setting YOUR BOUNDARIES. There is a difference. But that is about you, not them and not the parents or any other relationship you may be in. We get the lines crossed often. We place judgment often on everyone and everything and do not look in the mirror.

As I finish this entry I have 2 black nosed short haired love dogs in my lap and I am having a hard time reaching the keyboard, but I manage. The other big lug WILL NOT fit or I would probably try to finagle it. His black nose rests on the red blanket in my lap waiting for a smidgen of toast.

Some bad behavior is just plain worth it...at least in this ladies mind. I AM a Gramog you know!