Teal We SISTERs Loose our ever living MINDS

This pic is of my special niece McKenna. She is looking for crickets at her Grandma's house (my sister). I do not know what is going on, truly I don't, but she now has a cricket! I received this email from my sister just a few days ago...

Good Morning Sis and BEST FRIEND!

Just checking if you brought your cricket over lasterday (McKenna's word)? Just as I was falling asleep (on my med's) I heard a cricket in my bedroom?! I swear I'm not making this shit up! I thought, as I was going in to my state of delirium...I have been around Lori a lot and maybe I am having sympathy for her trauma with the cricket.....well about 4 hrs later when I awoke to use the bathroom, I realized I was really being invaded by a cricket?! This made me laugh (great in the middle of the night). Took another pill covered my head and eventually dozed off again! I can't find the damn thing this morning....been up since 6?! Any suggestions for tonight?

Here is my response back...

IF you do have a cricket in your upstairs bedroom…there is a message! I not quite sure what but just maybe it’s DAVE bugging the hell out of us like he always has...

This little saga continues the next night...

McKenna came to help Grandma get thru her first night (she had some outpatient surgery), and the damn cricket was back again?! So she got out the magnifying glass. Never heard from the cricket except one time in the night! If you need to obtain her for PEST control....she is relatively cheap (just a little demanding)!

Just so you know, our house has been cricket free for two weeks, my sister got a small taste of a cricketful night.

Was my brother trying to send a message from heaven? Is he laughing and saying, "Whoa, these two blondes don't get a message even if it's clicking in their ears all night long!"

We 3 sibling were a crazy bunch. It has been confirmed. Unteal the SISTERs join you my sweet brother in the teal blue heavens, please no more crickets.

Forget-me-Not

Love is a funny thing. It grows, it changes. It sometimes turns out to be not what you really expected it to be. The expectations we have at 14 are not the same as what we have when we are 24, 34 or 44. Nor do I believe my expectations will stay the same at 55, 65, or 75. Life changes and we change, or so we hope we do. We grow up and we grow along. We grow along with life.

I believe in being happy. I believe that happiness is a choice. If you are in a relationship with someone I believe you have a responsibility to contribute to the well being of that person and the happiness of that person, otherwise why be in the relationship? The question is so much deeper than, "What is in this for me?" "Are my needs being met?" It really becomes a questions of, "How can the world be a better place by our having found each other?"

Don't you want people to say after you leave them. "I like myself better after having been with her or him!" Don't you think happy people are more effective people. How about people who are in love? Don't you think they are happier?

Beautiful relationships take courage, they challenge us to be. When love is there we must meet it with back bone, and when we do we change yet again. Finding ourselves and then finding one another is like going home. But now the yard is filled with beautiful Forget-Me-Not wildflowers...and believe me the colors are beautiful!

Midnight Blues with the Crickets

We have issues. They are getting to be serious. We have crickets living amongst us. Yes INSIDE our house!

Night #1: Kelly (my husband) and I suffer through. I am wondering now where our minds were? Were we expecting the other to get rid of the cricket? Did we think the cricket was going to crawl, jump, or walk out on his own, saying "I'm bustin' this place, these people are weird!" No way, this bugger is right under my side of the bed. I have the better hearing of the two of us. Kell has gotten up once during the night and looked for it in the family room. I shake my head and wonder again when he is going to break down and get that bell-tone hearing aide?

Night #2: Cricket starts whacking his little legs together making that perfect clicking sound. I stick my iPod in and sleep, somehow with a cacophony of instruments and voices and a cricket. Isn't this dangerous for a bi-polar person? I am a little on the "high" side right now. Don't want to be pulling any schizophrenic stuff now do we?? Too many sounds going on directly piped into my ear all night long may not be so good. Hummm.

Night #3: Dragging in from work at 10:30 at night. Proud husband proclaims, "I've got the cricket!" I am thinking oh thank goodness, this body mind and soul has got to have sleep! I am greeted by the pile of goodies that has been living under our bed conveniently with broom and dustpan nearby. Well, OK he must have been too tired to finish up the job! I'll just git her done. Lights out. Mr. cricket is baack. IPod in. YOU try to catch the SOB!! Believe me I have been up plenty of times sneaking around in the dark. I have decent hearing, I definitely know the vicinity where he is. I look like a thief in her underwear sneaking up on her next victim!! Hunch backed, tip-toeing and all... Oh, the cricket is in the garbage can where I swept up the goodies from under the bed. Guess Kell hadn't really got the cricket after all, well kinda, he got it into the pile! I take it to the outside dumpster. Peace for the rest of the night.

Night #4: There's one in the closet! No shizzz! I pull back the clothes in my closet quickly, as if to take it by surprise. Nothing there. No help from Mr. passed-out-in- bed over there. Can't find it. Grab my pillows and go up to Chase's room to sleep.

Night #5: Kelly has done laundry during the day, thinking Mr. cricket is in the laundry. Not a chance in hell. He is in full kicking gear in the closet as lights are out. Kell is lights out as well. Dozer has had an especially exhausting day because he is snoring up a storm. I'm outta here. I'm upstairs now, can't sleep. IPod in, hoping to wind down. It is now 4:30, I'm hungry, as I leave Chase's bedroom to my absolute horror I slowly tip toe down the stairs and into the kitchen...left side of the sink another CRICKET!!!!!

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. WE NEED HELP IN THIS HOUSE!!!

Gold, Silver or Bronze?

The Olympics have begun! It is official, everyone loves them, talks about them and watches them. Except for me! Don't get me wrong I love them, it's un-American not to love the Olympics. Support your country. Support your team. I do, I do. I watched some of the opening ceremonies. Oh my goodness, that birds nest thing, Very cool!

Here is the thing, I just got out of the habit of watching TV several years ago. Negative association. Two reasons. Let me explain. While detoxing off of morphine (6 years ago) I lie in bed and watched country music videos while this nasty drug was exiting my body. You don't feel so good. The world is spinning, you get the shakes, you want to die, get the picture? And then I chose to watch sappy, depressing, albeit great story lined country music videos. Never have I before, never again. (Watched country music videos or taken morphine).

Reason number two. It is impossible to watch any program with my husband. He is pretty much like most men. He is a clicker. If you ask him what he watches, he says "everything." Drives me NUTS. Inevitably IF I am watching something while in the room with him just as it has caught my attention, CLICK, it's gone... and so am I.

So the only Gold, Silver or Bronze that I probably will be talking about is in my make-up palette.

Blue Storms Rolling In

I have 3 sons. I passionately love them all. They are all unique in their own way. I love each of them equally, yet differently because THEY are different. Intuitively we learn to treat people differently because they are different. A unique and special relationship and bond is formed when we understand and honor this.

My youngest son, Tandin moved to college this weekend. He is a Utah State Aggie now and soon he will be bleeding blue. He is an avid sports fan. He sits in his new dorm, head reeling with questions as to what this experience will be like. His friends were everything to him. He went to college alone. This was something that showed strength and character at 18 years old when he did have another choice. Guaranteed there will be storms of many kinds where he has chosen to spend the next 4 years of his life. Logan Utah gets cold. I believe he will experience emotional, mental, spiritual and physical storms as well. He is strong no doubt and he will be a success. Reaching out to others for help is part of that success.

My middle son Chase is in Florida, Brandon Florida to be exact. There is a tropical storm called Fay which is projected to be a possible Hurricane by tomorrow morning. Chase tells me it is supposed to hit Brandon. He seems quite excited. He tells me that the missionaries get pretty jazzed about doing service work after the Hurricanes. I guess this is not so devastating for the missionaries, they do not make their permanent homes in Florida. Interesting how the misfortunate storms for some can be a field of harvest for another.

Chase has had some blues in the mission field. Nothing I can think of that can cure the blues than to help others through a storm...Chase is strong, no doubt he will be a success too!

TJ, my oldest son, what can I say? Survivor to thriver! He is simply amazing. He has survived more storms than most in his 27 years than most people will their whole life. He has turned his life around in a matter of two years and is an absolute delight to be in the presence of. The storms are what made him who he is.

We learn things from the blues that we could not otherwise, and remember there is always sunshine after the storms...

Shadowland of Gray

I believe life comes full circle. Look for the parallels as to who we are, what we are here to learn and everything around us and you will find them. Look for the meaning in the shadows. Everything is not meant to be so obvious.

Does love mean never having to say you're sorry? I doubt that! Ali McGraw, you were wrong! Love hurts. And the circles go round and round. We make choices and we live with them. Sometimes we can change them, sometimes we cannot. How often we find this true in life. We fear love so much when it is there for the taking, then when it is stolen from us we have so many regrets. Youthful love, raising children, aging parents, death. Why love if losing hurts so much?

I believe C.S. Lewis said it best when he said, "the pain now is part of the happiness, that's the deal. " He said this after losing his wife to cancer. He had closed his heart to any kind of true intimacy with anyone until his wife was struck with cancer. Why is it that often times it takes some kind of tragedy to really become vulnerable and love openly?

Peanut Butter & Red Jam Toast

I have toast almost every day. I used to eat cookies...EVERY DAY. I love them still, however my body did not so much. So peanut butter and red raspberry simply fruit on a piece of wheat toast has become the filler. Sometimes second choice is actually better for us.

Sometimes we make compromises in life. At least if we grow up we learn we have to. Toast is not so bad, at least it's not something like, rice cakes...OH! I actually have learned to like those too!!

Put a diet coke along my side and I'm a pretty happy girl. It's the simple things in life that toast my campfire smore's. There were many who thought I would never camp too! Never prejudge!

So if you find your nose in a jam, don't sweat the small stuff! And almost everything is small stuff!!!

Black Days Gone Bye

Some friends will be friends forever because of the things we experience together. Glenn and Kathy are these kind of friends. They used to live two doors down, now they live in Texas. We saw them tonight and reminisced about old times--good and bad. Glenn and I were both diagnosed with manic depressive illness while we lived in the same neighborhood. His illness did not manifest itself until his early 40's. Mine on the other hand was something I have shown signs of since I was a teenager but unfortunately not diagnosed until I was 39.

This illness, as does all the mental illnesses, have many different faces, and no one remains more responsible for their individual health than the sufferer themselves. Seems strange to say that because mentally ill individuals have been depicted as incompetent to think and care for themselves. I beg to differ! Most mental illnesses, if given proper medication to balance out the brain chemistry, (which in and of itself is a challenge), can lead normal, happy and productive lives. Knowledge of the illness and self management techniques for a healthy lifestyle in understanding triggers that could exacerbate the illness rests upon first, the person with the disease, and then the family.

I remember Glenn's "high" days, (if you're bi-polar you get sick of the word MANIC). Wow, if I was 'up' too we could talk a blue streak. Business was always a favorite topic of ours. If anyone else happened to be in the room, or on the golf course with us, I'm not so sure we even paid much attention to them. We always enjoyed each others company, lively animation and ideas.

One thing you learn in a non-medicated bi-polar persons world...What goes UP must come DOWN! The main reason many who have this illness do not take med's is because they miss the high, the periods of extreme energy, productivity, creativity! Ya, well, at what and whose expense? This illness affects not just the person that has it but everyone who loves that person! It is also amazing to me how people can be embarrassed about taking a couple of pills that will help them be easier to live with, yet not think anything when they have self induced diabetes and have to take insulin to regulate their blood sugar. Interesting how our perspectives might need a little adjustment?

I had long periods of black days in my late 30's. Winters were always particularly hard. I was always searching for an answer to make this black feeling go away. I had been on different anti-depressants off and on for 10 years. I never stuck with them because ultimately the black feeling always lingered.

I tried the natural vitamin/amino acid health regimen, chiropractic, meditation tapes, acupuncture, diet and exercise, prayer, regular counseling, over achieving, and so on until I was defeated and had retreated to my bed. It was customary since I was 16 to have bouts of depressive days that I did not want to get out of bed but by 39 I actually spent a 9 month period in bed. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder shortly after that.

As we had dinner with Glenn and Kathy they reminded me of a time when my world had completely gone black, but somehow I had reached out enough to find myself at their doorstep. Glenn had said that as he open the door I had collapsed in his arms and the conversation that ensued in their home afterwards was nothing but bleak. All hope and feeling for anything had gone. Glenn could do nothing but relate, he had been there. Fortunately those Black Days have Gone BYE...we understand ourselves more fully.

Should anyone suffer from any kind of mental illness, be it depression, anxiety disorder, obsessive/compulsive, stress, grief, there are so many things that can detract from the beauty in our lives; I assure you there are ways out of the abyss. Never, ever give up hope, there were many times I begged to die.

Reach out to someone, I did and I was the better for it!

Growing up Without Red Ties

Red is a power color. To show power, confidence and strength men are encouraged to wear the red power tie. Growing up for my niece's and nephew's there was an absence of red. Death took my brother when his daughter was 12, his son was 8. Divorce left my sister and her 4 children on their own as well.

How many American families have little or no male leadership in the home? How much effect does that have on children? I believe if you sat down and talked to my 2 niece's and 4 nephew's they would say a great deal. They did not have a say in this matter. Their mother's did an incredible job in raising their children. They are absolutely amazing women, nurturing and strong.

When we face opposition in life we have two choices, we can let it defeat us and we become the victims of bad circumstances or we can rise above the challenges and make something of our lives.

As we all spent the weekend together in Lava Hot Springs we laughed, talked and discussed many issues of life. I realized how far these kids have come. Each one a success in their own right. Two beautiful mothers. Two incredible fathers. Four college graduates. One PhD. Five with incredible partners that have beautiful relationships. The youngest in business for himself. Two recovering addicts and the list goes on.

Some families tout only what is popular or what seems to make them look good. Our family on the other hand has not always looked good. We have had our share of scandal. So What! We got used to it and we became better for it. We learned to hold our heads up high amongst the talk rather than to try to hide it. Teenage pregnancy, divorce, drug addiction, mental illness, untimely death, we found no shame in any of these challenges of life.

Children can learn from their parent's mistakes. Parents can learn from their children's mistakes. Life really does come full circle. You may include grandparents in those mistakes as well. Living and learning is continual. We sometimes immortalize our elders, they are just as human as we are, hopefully and oftentimes wiser for having lived more.

Sometimes the things we lack growing up we will find when we dare lean on those we love. Blood runs deep. When we put away our judgments and love freely Red Ties can be interwoven and create a bond that is everlasting. Reaching out is actually easier than it seems. There may have not been the traditional power ties in our family, but blood ties are there and flowing strong. My heart sang as I watched all my kids (I consider all of them my kids) floating down the river tied together, reaching out for one another in love, trust and happiness. This is the way it should be. Red Ties.

A Journey thru Weed

My son TJ took us to the Journey concert as a Father's Day gift to his dad. As we were waiting for the band to start TJ said "Oh, can you smell the weed?" I get frightened. They call them triggers in the drug world. He liked weed. He has been clean for 2 years 7 months and 12 days now. His drug problem spanned 7 years starting at 17 years old and took on the usual high school smoking, drinking, weed, then after high school advanced to abusing prescription medication including oxycontin. Once he got to that stage he was basically toast. Trying to get off became his personal hell.

The dichotomy of the whole scenario was while I was detoxing from morphine, a drug I had abused, he was getting high in our basement on narcotics all at the same time. How scary is this situation? Mom so oblivious in her own pitiful world while her own son is getting in deeper than she is, into a world most never recover from.

More than a year after my detox he finally confided in me and told me where he had been. He had chosen methadone as his method of "getting off" the drugs and was going to a "clinic." He explained to me the concept of methadone and because of the limited knowledge that both of us had at the time, and TJ's desperation I was supportive. He had failed trying to get off the narcotics so many times on his own, so methadone seemed to be a good solution. Needless to say methadone was a disaster, he became reclusive, lost weight and addicted to methadone, which is more difficult to detox from than the other narcotics he was taking.

In desperation to quickly cut down on the amount of methadone he was taking he found weed to help the withdrawals! Oh the vicious circle was beginning again.

The deal between us was that he tell me everything. He had started using cocaine. I knew we were in serious trouble and it was happening fast and I was afraid for my child's life. He was mixing so many drugs at one time I was frightened as to whether or not he would wake up in the morning. I cried constantly and begged the Lord to keep him safe till something broke. It did. He called one Saturday and said "Mom, I'm really bad, I don't know what I have taken, but it is really bad and I can't take it anymore".

We all have our breaking points. We reach the bottom and there is no where to go but up. TJ's detox was wicked. I did not leave his side for 2 weeks. He was brave. He was sick. He was sad, but he persevered. He lacked faith many times, but his entire family had a faith in him that picked him up when he did not have enough of his own.

He is a miracle in his own right for turning his life around as he has. To see him today and what he has made out of his life is simply amazing. He reaches out and helps others who face addiction. He gets it.

He now JOURNEYs on his own, WEED FREE AND HAPPY!

Blazing Star

The Blazing Star is a purple wildflower. I like purple, it is a flashy color. My dad is a flashy guy. He is 70 years old today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! He has been a hard worker all his life. He started out a dairy farmer, sold the cows a few years ago, subdivided some of the property and turned what was left into Allen Horseplay Stables and Arena. I like my dad, doesn't everyone like their dad? Well, maybe not.

Here are some of the reasons my dad is awesome... He is strong. We as a family look to him as a pillar of strength. He stands 6'3" and when he shakes your hand or you wrap your arms around him, or better yet you get to sit in his lap (I still do that sometimes) you feel safe.

He is fun. We laugh and we laugh a lot. He giggles at the stupid things we do. He accepts all of his family for who they are. Sometimes that hasn't always seemed the case, but as I have gotten closer to him I have realized how true that is.

He is gregarious. Moving into a close knit farm community back in the 40's was not easy, you were the outsider. Dad persevered, as a teenager he would take care of the farm and still find time for socializing too, even if sleep had to suffer. He is still a socializer, even if he is on the road he is known to pick up a hitch hiker just so he can have a nice chat with someone.

He is a great example. Dad has great parents as examples as well. My grandparents are still alive Glenna Allen, 91 and LeRoy Allen, 93 are the epitome of what great people are.

He is stalwart. If Dad makes up his mind there is NO stopping him. He decides to change a dairy farm into a horse stable and arena with his own bare hands, he does it. Enough said.

He is lovable. To know him is to love him.

My dad and the Blazing Star wildflower have many things in common. They are both tall and showy. They always return after each hard season expanding bigger and broader, and more of their seeds begin to spread and grow. Neither species is endangered nor edible.

As I look back on my life I have had one constant Blazing Star, my DAD.

Meadow of Wildflowers

Yesterday I hiked 14 miles. The payoff??? A very personal and spectacular view of a meadow. The meadow looked very much like the picture in my mind. The trail was quite thick with little warning that this meadow was suddenly going to break open with its beauty and grandeur surrounded by snow capped mountains and dotted with wildflowers.

There are over 20,000 species of flowering plants in North America, belonging to about 300 different families. Those that grow in the wild or on their own, without cultivation, are called wildflowers. I did not count how many different kinds of wildflowers I saw, but I delighted in each one. I would love to make a very special bouquet of wildflowers, but it is against the law to pick wildflowers, they are too precious. Wildflowers are my favorite flowers, especially a daisy.

This is a very personal song to me called Wildflower by Skylark.

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine,
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears,
and her sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence,
in her ears...

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

And if by chance, I should hold her,
Let me hold her for a time;
But if allowed just one possession,
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine.

Be careful how you touch her, for she will waken;
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows.
And when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe;
The way she's always payin' for a debt she never owed,
and the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear,
And so, she goes.

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

Wildflowers are equipped to grow on their own in nature. And so it goes in life that we too find out we are equipped to grow on our own in life. As hard as a 14 mile hike may be for someone who does not do that kind of thing (like me) you sacrifice for what you love and you stand alone in the middle of the weeds always hoping to be better prepared next time. If you are watching there are unique and beautiful wildflowers always surrounding you as well.

If there ever is a next time...sometimes you get the chance, sometimes you don't.

I fought back many tears while on this hike, as I have many times in my life.

Sleep sometimes is my only freedom.

Orange Horizons

I returned yesterday from Vegas. I spent 5 days with my mother and sister. We have not been on a trip together for 13 years. Much has happened in our family during this time particularly a lot of healing. My brother was killed 14 years ago yesterday. Our family learned many lessons about life from death. Acceptance, unconditional love, humility, patience, submissiveness. Not that we don't have our faults, ego trips, disagreements and childish acts, because we do! And we laugh in spite of ourselves.

I have learned that sometimes it is important to get over yourself. We do have a tendency to make things bigger than they are. Truth is, most things are just 'small stuff'. We often times make a big deal out of things when it just is not necessary. Life is perspective. When you lose someone you love life's perspective changes. Things have little value. The simple experiences becomes more meaningful. Relationships become paramount.

As we drove to and from Salt Lake to Vegas we not only talked of intimate things and feelings in our lives, we really related and understood as women. It was a priceless experience for all of us.

I have no doubt that each time we see the beautiful orange horizons as we drive through the canyons between St. George and Vegas we will feel a great circle of a celestial sphere whose plane passes through the center of the earth and is parallel to another orange horizon.

Stripped Black & White

Have you ever blown your whistle and thought afterwards, OH CRAP, I wish I hadn't of done that! I wonder if ref's ever do that? I'll bet they do. They probably think, "Whoa, blew a little early on that one, now I have to be all defensive and have Mr. Prickman down my throat". What? That's their language not mine. I'm not stupid!

What would it be like if we lived in a world where we could actually be impetuous (kinda human nature sometimes) and then if we make a mistake say, "Oops, you know I was a little hasty on that one, can you forgive me?" Now I know that does not work for everything, but how often DOES our pride get in the way? Wouldn't it be refreshing to just admit that we make mistakes...and lots of them, especially when it comes to relationships and loving each other? It gets hard or we make it hard. Love is actually very simple. Just, LOVE! Isn't love a universal language to man and beast?

We have certain things that identify us, zebras have uniquely identifiable stripes,that are useful to one another. Zebras seem to get some kind of pleasure from looking at stripes. Stripes seem to be so important to the zebra that black and white stripes painted on a wall will attract zebras to group near the wall.

And so it goes we all like things that are similar to us. But when one breaks out of the crowd don't we admire that one for their courage?

Dreaming Daffodils

For some reason I have been privileged to dream of my deceased loved ones quite often. This becomes a great comfort to me for I can then remember details of their faces and also their voices. Most of the time I am having fun with them. Sometimes I feel as though I receive a message. Sometimes simple. Sometimes profound.

Last week I spoke to my Sister-in-Law (married to my brother who died 14 yrs ago). I told her I had dreamed of Dave (my brother) twice earlier that week. She told me that when you dream, you are with them in their realm. I like that thought; I'm going to keep it.

Last night I got to exchange a hug in a dream with one very special young 15 year old girl who was taken before her time. I put flowers on her grave that day, I believe some of them were daffodils. I just found out daffodils symbolize friendship. She is my very special friend.

I look forward to when I can hold my brother and her again and talk face to face. For now there are so many here that I love and cherish. Life is as it should be.

Innocent Brown Eyes

I LOVE DOGS! This is my Grandog Dozer. I have custody of him most of the time. My oldest son is busy, single and when Dozer and Roxee (his Boston) are at home with him they get depressed. Seriously! It just kills me. So they live with me, they have visitation with their Dad. He is a fun Dad. He puts on big slippers and lets Dozer chase him around the house. Dozer loves it! But it is not enough to keep a Bulldog happy. At Grandmog's house he has full rein, especially when Grandpog is gone.

I did not always connect with dogs or nature as I do now. I suppose it was when I spent 9 months in bed getting quiet enough to figure out life and what was important that I slowed down and really saw what was around me. I love the innocence and loyalty of dogs. Those nine months I spent in bed I had the most loyal companion one could ever have, MY dog, Zion. Her name sake comes from the time I spent wandering in Zion's Canyon. Sound weird? Whatev- life is weird. I figured a lot out there and have continued to do so ever since. I am crazy about my dog. She is more than just a dog, she is a reminder to me of all I have learned that is important. Like finding and staying true to myself. Some people never figure that out. Dogs never have to try. They are innocent and real no matter what. How refreshing. We humans could take some lessons from dogs.

If I don't want to play, Zion never takes it personal. She loves me and treats me the same. No mind games. She loves me at my best and my worst. Believe me she has seen it all: laughing, crying, sleeping comas, mad as hell, euphoric, you name it, she seems to just BE...her. I know she assumes nothing of me, which means I can be, huh, me! And she always does her best in our relationship, which is just easy for her, because she never tries to be anything but a dog. Hummmm? We could all learn something from these beautiful creatures.

I am crazy about these brown eyed furry friends in my home. I would have never thought in a million years I would have allowed 3 dogs in my home. I will put up with dog toys and the constant bell ring (to go outside), and Dozer taking up the couch, for a whole lot of innocent brown eyed lovin'.

1 Yellow Sun & My 3 Sons

I need the sun. It nourishes me. Fact is it nourishes, well, everything and everybody. I have been laying in the sun a lot lately. Just yesterday I spent the day at a pool with good friends in Logan. They recently have had a close death in their family. I have experienced this as well, however mine was 14 years ago. Some people would say, 14 years, get over it! They obviously have not had a child or sibling die.

A child is an extension of you, a sibling is a reflection of you. Life goes on, absolutely, and you go through your grief, not around it. And you go through your 'whole' life with the 'hole' that they once filled. You miss them and you find happiness still.

My sons have become the brightness (the yellow) in my life. They are all basically gone from our home, my youngest has not officially moved out, but he is constantly on the move. He will be off to college in just a few weeks.

And so it goes, we enjoy the sun, or sons, or loved ones. When they are here or when they are not, but if we are quiet enough especially when the sun is beating down on us we can feel their love, warmth and their presence. Where ever they may be.

If you are wondering... the beautiful young girl is who I was referring to. We all lost this beauty last spring in a skiing accident. She skied every weekend with her family, which was the passion of her life. Our family enjoyed this activity with theirs on many occasions.

Knot Weed & Not Sick?

I had an interesting experience while on my cruise last week. I met a man whose wife was severely bi-polar (same illness as mine). He was very inquisitive, defeated, frustrated and seemed to be feeling his marriage may be heading for divorce. 95% of all bi-polar marriages end in divorce (his statistic). I had never heard this statistic, however I am not surprised. His wife was in a current manic episode and he was accompanying his beautiful daughter on her Senior trip. This gentlemen is an extremely well-educated successful man and they have a very large family.

This is a difficult situation, to say the least, on all accounts. My summation coming from spending the evening talking with him and a few others at our dinner table was this: This illness is real, you cannot see it, and there is denial on everyone's part, so everyone deals with it differently. That does not make anyone wrong, however if you want to function, or function well it takes knowledge. Knowledge takes effort.

Effort, first on the part of the sufferer. The person with the illness, MUST understand and know their body and brain chemistry and their illness! They must be responsible for their health as best they can, which is taking their med's, going to their doctor's and understanding their triggers. Their self awareness is imperative to their health and happiness as well as how it affects the entire family.

Second, the family has to be involved by understanding the illness and knowing when Mom, or whomever is sick. Which means depressed or manic. The brain chemistry is off. Too much or too little feel good chemical being emitted into the brain and things are just not right. It effects everyone differently, so do not expect this illness to look the same on everyone.

The media has frighted us. We hate the label "mental illness." Why is that? I think the Knot Weed is pretty in one form. Being manic is a blast, but I am still sick, at least I know now what goes up must come down. Life is perspective. We must remember to keep ours positive and non-judgmental. What is that saying, walk a mile in someones shoes...

From Sand Bliss to Sand Burs

Well, don't you have a hard time coming home from 10 days of vacation? Especially when there were beautiful SANDY beaches and oceans of blue?

It's not that I have a bad life. I certainly do not. I have a good life. In fact all that I need. When you travel to a place like Mexico and you see all the abundance that we have in America you actually get a perspective on all that we as American's have been blessed with.

We are the people of entitlement. We seem to believe we are not only entitled to a hot meal, a warm bed, clothing on our backs, but a speedy internet that connects us to the world, a phone in our hands at all times so that we can talk to whomever we please at all times. Not just clothes, but clothes on parade, with designer tags. And to be entertained during all our spare time.

I live in Utah, it is considered the desert. There are many Sandburs here. When you put in a yard you have to dig up a lot of them. Then you cover up the desert sand and plant grass and you worry about lots of weeds to keep your grass green and beautiful.

Ah to be entitled and to rush through life thinking it is all about you! Then something happens or maybe even keeps happening and you finally wake up and smell the roses and you enjoy the sand beneath your feet...even if it is dirty sand or the white sand on the beaches of Cabo. They both work if you try hard enough.

Oceans of Blue

I have been on a cruise to Mexico for the last 7 days. The cities and views have been beautiful. But the ocean, ah the ocean! As I sit on this ship the sea goes forever…I feel somewhat blue inside. I have many changes coming in my life – again. My baby goes to college. They call this “empty nest syndrome." It’s actually a syndrome, ooooh! I actually love change in my life, but I have had a lot of it lately and what I anticipate will be big. No matter I will adjust. I always do. I believe things are as they should be. Life is a roller coaster, you ride a roller coaster, you do not steer it.

As a parent you receive more joy watching your children blossom, become their own person and grow to be who they were meant to be. My children are absolutely doing that. I have never made them dependent on me. They have been self sufficient from a very early age. Partly out of necessity, because I worked and partly when I was sick. They never minded, they liked the independence and enjoyed the confidence I had in them. They still had rules and always stuck to those rules with great respect. For this I am both grateful and honored to be their mother.

So I feel blue. I have cried every day while on this trip. It has not been from chemical depression and it is not that I have been all that sad. It is just emotion. I am emotional…and proud of it, I feel life. I wanted to go to an orphanage while I was in Mexico and knew I just was not strong enough emotionally. I would have cried myself to a migraine (I have already had 2 on the cruise). Blue is not so bad. Dark grey and black…awful, the not get out of bed kind, horrible. I have gotten out of bed easily, happily, went to bed when I wanted, read when I wanted, in fact this trip has been do anything you want, when ever you want, however you want. I came with my son and his friends, guess who my son spent his time with? Which was exactly as I expected. I got plenty of sleep, he got about –none. He had the time of his life. I had an experience of a lifetime. We will both cherish our time in Mexico forever. The oceans of blue will be locked in our hearts always.