Hill of Red Beans

I had a beautiful young girl stop by to see me last night. How fortunate I have been to have relationships with young girls, even though my children are all boys. I cherish the tenderness of girls. By no means are my boys not tender though. They are extremely tender, however society teaches the male gender that it is not as "socially acceptable" to show their feelings. I think this is the biggest bunch of hog wash, but who am I to change society?! Fact is, I know the tenderness of my boys, and they know it, and we show it to each other in the proper times, and it is BEA-utiful.



My friend who came by, brought me a cheerful little gift, and words of love and encouragement. I shared with her the changes that I will be making within my position in my business, as well as the changes in my med's AGAIN!..

This discussion of medication opened up the door to how she had been feeling lately. She confided that it was difficult for her to get herself to get in the shower at times, much less to school. And the tears began...hers, mine, it did not matter, we got it!!!

I've been there, she's been there, chances are she will be there again and I will too. This is called depression, and IT HURTS. There is no pain killer for it and no one "gets it," unless they have lived it..really lived it. I am not talking about situational depression, I am talking about the kind where you can't get yourself to feel any joy at all, and the type that you can't explain why..it just sits on you like an ugly black dog.

Her mother has depression and is on an anti-depressant and I asked her if she was. She said that she was not because she could not bring herself to doing that. I got the impression that she felt that she thought she was weak, if she could not get "over this" or that she was still too young to resort to anti-depressants. Yes, she is young and she has been through some really tough things in her young life.

In as loving of a way as I possibly could, I tried to explain a few things that I have come to know, by way of study and purely personal experience and observing a lot of people. Our brains are very complicated; we know a whole lot more today than we did 5 years ago and especially 20 years ago. There are feel good chemicals in our brain called serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, if these chemicals get out of balance (depleted=depression) (abundance=mania) then you just feel unhappy, lousy, like not getting out of bed, the degrees vary, if there is too much of the chemical the opposite happens which creates a bipolar effect. Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesseses. Depression affects 10% of Americans today and 4% with bipolar disorder. Between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression respond positively to treatment, and almost all patients gain some relief from their symptoms. But first, depression has to be recognized.

Situational events may bring on bouts of depression, and medication may be the way to put the chemistry back in balance. Some fear they will never be able to go off medication once they start. Why is there such fear about these anti-depressants and not about other drugs? Why such bias? And my argument is, if it improves your life, and those around you, what's the problem, it's a little pill! Have we fallen again for the sensationalism of the media about mental illness? Who fell over the cookoo's nest? YOU, if you fall for that crap! It is just our brain and it is sick, help it, don't be ashamed, it's not your fault.

Here is what I AM saying: anti-depressants and medication ARE NOT for everyone., Yes I know about the book Prozac Nation, media, media, media. Tom Cruise saying that he doesn't believe in anti-depressants, whatev Tom, like anybody cares what you say anymore? Statistics, statistics, statistics, they don't mean a hill of beans if it does not work for you. If you knew how many med's I have been on you'd cry with me too. Addiction, yep, detox, yep, sick, yep, AWFUL, YEP! BTW: I tried the ala NATARALE route too right after detox, that catapulted my very worst bout of mania!

Find what works FOR YOU. Put that HILL of BEANs where it counts... on you. You might have to put your pride aside, not might, you will, if you're honest. Forget about what everyone else is saying all around you, and get quiet enough to figure it out with YOURSELF, and you may want to call on that Big Man in the Sky...on a personal note He's worked miracles for me, many times.

The Fear Flower Factor

I have not been a TV watcher for several years. When I was, Fear Factor was one of the programs that we watched occasionally. I guess being in a house full of boys that was one that would draw the crowd. Now the segment where the participants had to eat THINGS was of particular amusement to me. I really hate sensationalism and this was to me, 'sensationalism' at its finest. Menu: Eyeballs, worms, sour goat milk mixed with bull testicles, (oh, I'm fixing that tomorrow for dinner, everyone welcome r.s.v.p. in the comment box).

This picture is of Peppermint. Doesn't it give you a Warm Feeling? That is what Peppermint stands for. Isn't that what this season is meant for? To bring about warm feelings for one another? For all man kind???

A man was trampled to death at a retail store on black Friday by crowds FEARING they would not be the ones to win the deal. Yes, this is true, it happened in our country! I quote from an article out of the New York Times, "I think it ties into a sort of fear and panic of not having enough." I ask, when is enough ENOUGH?

We have often said in our family "if money can fix it, it's NOT a PROBLEM". Losing your health, that's a problem! Losing a loved one, that's a problem! Perspective, losing that, IS a problem! Fighting within a family, that's a problem! You CAN be poor and be happy. Ego and Fear get in the way of so many many things. I have a lot of personal experience with both.

I have 'chats' with myself many nights as I lay down to sleep and it goes something like this...How well did you show LOVE today? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Well apparently Fear has been a Factor for you today. Try again tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Within the Silver Lining

Happy Birthday Beautiful Child of Mine! T.J.(Tyson Joe) we call him Teej, I'm into one syllable names, is 28 years old today. I actually had him the day before Thanksgiving. So at 17 years old I spent my Thanksgiving in the hospital. I remember after I had him I was so excited so to celebrate I ate the hospitals Thanksgiving dinner shortly after delivery, in which it came up as quickly as it went down.

Even though at 16 I was devastated to find myself pregnant this child was the delight of my life. We seemed to form a bond early in life possibly because I was a child raising a child. He intuitively was so concerned for me and I was a protective Mother Bear of him. When he was 3 years old we lived with my parents and he played his rendition of happy birthday to me on the piano including vocals. Priceless!

I would say that life has not been easy for Tj or even for me for that matter. I'm not crying the blues one bit, what I am saying is that this IS LIFE. We have been very happy through the challenges. Happiness is a CHOICE. Bitter and ornery people are a pain.

My sister shared something with me just the other day that I thought was very profound: What are you willing to let go of in order to get what you want. T.J. had to let go of a drug habit. This is a big question for many of us. One that I suggest we all contemplate...

T.J.'s journey has only just begun, he has his whole life ahead of him and it looks as if amongst his tough beginning there is a silver lining...

Yellow Brick Roads

This is my husband and his best friend. It was my husbands birthday yesterday, maybe we are getting to the age (47) that he wouldn't want me to say how old he is! My husband is a very devoted friend and he loves to serve others. I am sure this is why he has been successful in our business, he truly loves people.

Dave is in Egypt working he will be returning home next summer. We met Dave when we moved into our first home 22 years ago. Our children were young; they had only one child, whom we now call our 4th child. He in fact comes to see us more than our own children!

We have shared many roads with Dave, like the ones to Vegas and California, even ones when we did not know where we were going! I don't believe we will be traveling to Egypt however. We have traveled roads of heartache for him, he has traveled them for us, for our children, and for other family members as well, this is what you do with lifetime friends.

I'm not exactly sure what it was that made me take my unconscious 8 month old child who had nearly drown in the tub to Dave's house, but he heard my screams from my house across the yard. He told me to call 911 and after Dave gave the first breath I started the rest of the CPR, which we were blessed enough to have a favorable outcome.

I cannot explain why some things work out and why they don't at other times. That same summer 20 years ago there were 2 other bath tub drowning's, one died, the other had severe brain damage. I felt guilty so many times and wondered why I was so lucky to have this perfect child. But you know we never know what is on our yellow brick road and at some time we have to meet the Oz...

A Melancholy Flower

I love symbolism. Just as color can bring about certain emotions, flowers have certain meanings. The daisy means innocence and loyal love. A crimson rose depicts mourning. I have felt melancholy for the past several weeks, this flower does not look too melancholy to me. I can fool people as well; I have many times throughout my life.

To live deeply, to live and really feel, is this wrong? Is there a problem? Would you say that Beethoven lived deeply, expressed himself to the extreme through music? How about Vincent van Gogh, what a wide range of paintings and drawings he gave us to enjoy. You can feel his moods reflective in all of them. The humor of Robin Williams and Jim Carey, over the top? Isn't that what we love so much about them? These people with bipolar disorder have clearly been more demonstrative as human beings and we have been the beneficiaries in my opinion.

Regardless of who you are, how you deal with life's challenges, what means of expression you choose to display emotions, it is all very personal and there is not a right or wrong way to do this.

When I am melancholy I choose to keep more to myself. There is a pain inside that aches in my chest, yet no pain killer is available. Sleep is the only freedom from this awful state of existence. Yes it is a form of escape. Yes I have thoughts that oblivion would be a reprieve, but I know that this too shall pass...I will see it through. There is always something to learn during what I have come to know as my humility calls.

A Blanket of Flowers for Every Season

This blanket of flowers is as it should be...beautiful, supreme, colorful. Whatever IS could not be otherwise. That does not always make life easier, but somehow understanding that there is purpose in all things helps. At least it does for me. In most cases, I believe we cannot begin to understand what role a seemingly senseless event may have within the vastness of the whole; there is interconnectedness in all things. Nothing that happens is an isolated event; it only appears to be. The more we judge and label it, the more we isolate it. I do believe that all things happen for a reason and that people come in and out of our lives to help us, teach us, and love us in different ways that we never could have experienced any other way.

This was an email I just received...it's beautiful and poignant.

Just as people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support. To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are...

They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Sowin' some Wild Oats

Does anyone know what these weeds are? They are wild oats. Anyone sowed any wild oats before, maybe carrying on a little now, or have teenagers doing it at this moment? I relate, I've been there, done all of it. Wild oats, I wonder where the expression comes from???

When is it appropriate to make a decision for someone else? When you are a parent this is such a difficult decision. The love you have for your children is beyond comprehension and sometimes you can see the destructive behavior and patterns that your children may be falling into. I had some wonderful advise that stuck with me early while I was raising my first teenager that seemed to feel right to me. I suppose it was the way I wanted to be treated. It was this: by the time a child is 12-13 years old you have taught them who they are going to be. When tough situations reveal themselves, and there will be many, unless the situation is life sustaining or altering save the relationship and be their friend, don't be the heavy authoritarian. I have followed this same rule with all relationships by trying to not be authoritarian about how I do things. I am very passionate yes, and unfortunately there was a time in my life when it was more important to be right than happy! That's a strong family trait...

How about in marriage, considering one another in decisions is crucial. The ability to see each other as equals in all things remains at the core in the strength of the unity. In our business I have seen such a wide variety of people over the years and unfortunately I see all to often an inequality of respect between husband and wife. My observation is this: for those who continue to complain about the same thing over and over year after year, but have taken no action to solve or improve their situation...I have no sympathy. Things are tough, they could be much tougher!

My thoughtful husband has been concerned for me. Apparently he applied for social security disability insurance for me. He mentioned it to me but I guess I did not think much of it until I got a couple of voice messages wanting to interview me for more information to see if I qualified. I have gotten quite a kick out of this whole thing. I only told my sister, but that is like telling the whole world. Anyway, we have laughed so hard, I believe my husband will take it in the shorts but good for this one. My family can be brutal. Moral of the story, don't make decisions, even when intentions are good, for someone else.

When my husband and I filled out our Advance Health Care Directive as we prepared our Will we wanted to make decisions for ourselves as long as we are able and then, and only then, let our children step in.

I intend to be of sound mind and then be gone (good Lord willing)...or spend some mighty fun times sowin' some WILD OATS in one of them, what do they call them, FACILITIES!!! If I've lost my mind that's too bad, I won't know how much fun I'm having. If not, you should look me up, there won't be a more exciting rest home around!!!

A Grey Kind of Week

good times I remember photo album

I needed to remember some good times with my family...it has been a grey kind of week. I miss my boys terribly. The house has been quiet. I have already drug Christmas out! It may seem early, however the older you get time goes by that much faster and when December gets here, I don't want to miss one thing with my family or friends!

I love the holidays. I love playing the same Christmas songs every year. I love the Yankee Balsam Fir Candle. I love dressing up the dogs in Christmas sweaters. I love my mom's fruit cake. I love to play games with my family and I love to hear the famous family Christmas story written by my sister and her son, Ryan. The most wicked, sarcastic roast taken from the outline of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. Everyone basically takes it in the shorts and there is really nothing off limits. They usually call me to see if I think it is "ok", which most everything gets the thumbs up from me.

Summer is my favorite time of the year, but I love the holidays because of the good memories and the closeness I feel with those I love.

We need those around us that we love to help us when we are weak. I am weak right now and can't quite shake all the grey out of me.

Her Cute Black Button Nose

There is always a bit of fear in her eyes. She's needy, she's crazy, she's lovable, she's a pistol, she's Roxee Lynn Peepee Lovedog Chapman.

She is my grandog and I am crazy about her. I have had custody of her pretty much full time for a year now. Her dad, my delightful son, got a little frustrated with her problem of incontinence, thus the name Peepee. We had tried several medications, (including Prozac) but she was too smart and would spit it out no matter how we disguised it (believe me we tried EVERYTHING). I decided she was depressed and just needed a well balanced home and to be showered with love and attention! We could not split up the two so Dozer came with the package.

After raising 3 boys and learning how much you love each one equally but differently because they each are different, you learn that your pets are the same. Zion, Dozer and Roxee each have a different personality. I love each of them the same, but treat each of them differently because they react and are different. You cannot go up to Zion and pet her, she backs away immediately and charges in and is ready to play. If a stranger goes to pet Roxee she may or may not growl and then she usually runs into the closet. If you go to pet Dozer, he'll try to find something to rest his big head on so he can really enjoy himself, his head is big, it's a lot of weight to keep holding up all the time!

Last week with Roxee: 4:00 a.m. potty break, something has lured the two out to the mailbox. I call for them. Nothing. Walk out to driveway. See cat sneer at Roxee! She high tails it across the driveway, looses her ground and skids on her side a couple feet, while Dozer just sits there looking at the scene calmly like "Hey, what up?" I yell at them again to come inside and I am thinking, "If I step in poop I am going to go ballistic." I don't go back to sleep for several hours, I'm not tired anymore!

Zion was enjoying a belly rub from my husband. No sooner did Roxee see this event happening and she ran right between the two, plops in the middle, rolls over and exposes her belly, Zion promptly leaves and it's now all about Roxee! When we are giving out treats Roxee always does some kind of pirouette. We have never taught her this, we do not ask, she just does it. Same thing with if she thinks we are mad at her, she just lays down and rolls half way on her back in submission. It's weird. Mornings and evening are also a ritual, she has needs...she comes and burrows into my neck or gets right up in my face. She needs to be cuddled, she needs closeness, but she rarely licks me. If the other dogs are close, she walks right over top of them (she is only 10 lbs.) and moves in. She doesn't stay very long, but you can tell when she is feeling needy and she usually gets what she wants.

Roxee came to our family when she was a year and a half. She had been neglected and would have died had we not got her. Because of the neglect we are sure this is where much of her behavior comes from. In spite of how crazy she is, she is also endearing to me. Often times we are quick to judge as is the case with many things in life. When we know the full story we find compassion, unconditional love and long suffering.

She may have crazy looking eyes, but I wouldn't change her cute black button nose or her quirks for nothin'!

Smartweed - it's Confusing

Smartweed, with the folk name "smartass", has a behavior problem. Taken out of context, the stuff is attractive but then so are a lot of other things I can think of that are not always so nice or easy to take care of: my hair, my employee's, my sister.:) Apparently smartweeds are not so charming when you've pulled it up for the fifth time in one month either.

I finished reading Electroboy last weekend and I am still trying to process it all. Andy Behrman who is manic depressive and something of a "smartass" himself, tells of his raging mania into his thirties. He would make a spur of the moment decision to hop a plane to go see the Berlin wall come down, just because he felt he had to see it! While I certainly have impulses and obsessions, these are a bit over the top for me.

He changed jobs from filmmaker to go-go boy to opening a public relations business to working in a fashion house to a painting business. He made millions, only to find himself flat broke shortly thereafter. I have been running my own business since I was 21, I am now 45. I could list all the differences and some similarities, it's not important.

My point: Mental illness looks, acts and is different on everyone. I guess that is why it is a disorder in the BRAIN, and why unfortunately there is no cure yet. For some silly reason it is the last organ we still haven't figured out. Hummm? It is just so blasted complicated. I wonder if that is WHY we are so scared of these types of illnesses? We fear what we do not know or understand, it's natural.

The media and things you hear about are only going to be the sensational. That's called NEWS! Don't be sucked in, don't let it scare you and don't believe all of it! I'm not saying Andy Behrman's story is not true, I am saying it is unusual.

Smartweed and bipolar illness have one thing in common. You don't get rid of it. Controlling or managing it might be more achievable. In an interview with Stephen Fry, Andy Behrman gave these statistics: 20% of people with bipolar illness commit suicide. 40% never function well enough and must live with family members. 20% don't function at the level that they expected to function and end up working as clerks and cashiers. 20% stabilize, recover and go on to lead extremely productive lives.

Life can be at the very least sometimes...well, confusing?

Hot Pink Fish Kisses

From one cracked pot to another...I got this email from my sister. It was perfect. I expected some humorous slam to put a smile on my face, but it was actually a very touching beautiful message. That's my sister you never know what you're gonna get!

She is so very special to me and I love her dearly, she sends me more emails than anyone. The one thing I know with her...it is going to have backgrounds, flowers, kisses, jumping things, and that is just the intro! I cannot open her email on my iphone, there is not enough RAM. She has perfected the art of getting excited about the little things and we love teasing her about it...she takes it all in stride and keeps on being over-the-top HER!

I have this thing about emails, they can be funny, touching, rank, informative, whatever. I open them, decide if I am going to read them, and if I do and get to the bottom... and then it tells me to forward/send whatever, to 5/10/50 whatever, friends/family/acquaintances, like they care whatever, so I will be happy/rich/responsible, or I won't be a low life jerk/uncaring/irresponsible/no good for nothin' winch that does not care about dying cats in Africa!!!! It's not as if I don't carry enough guilt of my own, cut the guilt crap. Is this how we motivate one another?

I think the HoT PinK fish kisses would work better!

Caged Brown Eyes

Wanna pway wif me?

This past week my grandog Dozer was hauled off by the dog catcher! He was doing the afternoon patrol and a lady from the neighborhood to the North apparently does not know how completely innocent, harmless and actually what a watch dog Dozer has become in our close neighborhood. I understand that if he is running full blast towards you at 65 pounds, spike collar and the mean under bite look and all... it may throw you off a bit! He just gets excited because he wants to greet you and say, "Hey, I'm Dozer, wanna play?" This is him getting a drink and playing with our neighbor's granddaughter, real mean huh?

Dozer is very tender. When he was a puppy and he would get into mischief we would have to scold him. He would take these scoldings rather hard and hide under the bed...until one day he found he was too large for hiding under the bed. It seems as he grew, his really naughty things tempered, such as: chewing the sides of the wood on our staircase, dragging in tree branches (branches, not limbs, branches), knocking down kids (any size big or small) and stealing their toys (only stuffed animals, he thinks they belong to him) out of their hands and putting them in my office. This past week he did steal 3 small pumpkins, he did his own trick or treating and took a bag of chocolate (with the old you have been spooked now spook 3 of your neighbors thing)off of the neighbors porch, he dropped that in the kitchen for me.

Bulldogs are supposedly the 3rd dumbest dog?! I HATE to have to campaign for bull dogs after all these elections and such buuutttt....How many dogs ring a bell when they need or want to go outside? How about growling (specific tone) at 5 a.m. when he wants to be taken outside and then join us on the bed. If we don't shut the door tight Dozer will paw the door open and take Roxee out and back inside the house for us when she needs to go potty or if he just wants to romp with her. He is the most delightful smartest dumb dog you have ever seen. And talk about a bull dog that can JUMP, he learned that from the girls (2 Boston dogs Zion and Roxee).

When I find out that Dozer is in a cage, I jump in my car and immediately head to rescue him at the animal shelter. I am coming up to a stop light and thinking, "That looks like animal services right there!" Sure enough, I pull up behind and there in the back of the white truck in a cage are Dozer's frightened big brown eyes looking out the back at me! I start waving at him and talking in my dozer voice to not worry because "gramma is coming to get you".

Did any of you ever see any movies where the mentally ill were put in cages? I did. I was talking to Dr. D. a few weeks ago and we were discussing his internship where he would walk in and see at least 100 women laying on cots in a large room (I won't tell you the rest of the conversation). This was 25+ years ago and even though it was a room, when I think of it, it feels like a cage to me. What he did explain is the miracle of how anti-depressants have reduced the amount of people in these facilities remarkably.

How many of you have thought that anti-depressants are not necessary, over used, depression is all in someones head, these "people" just need to pull up their boot straps and get over it. If you have thought this way I challenge your thinking and just maybe you have not been touched by it personally?

I do not blog for the hell of it, I blog to challenge your thinking! I find myself judging all the time, first myself and then others. It's ridiculous and self destructive behavior for me and for human kind.

Twenty percent of the population has a mental illness, don't duck your head in the sand. And guess what? they are out walking the streets, working with you and functioning. Some of them are living on the streets because they did not get the help they needed and they are homeless, some are drug addicts and crack heads. While others are serving time in prison. Hey I am the last one who wants to yell VICTIM. Just ask yourself where you are at. That's it. All we can ever be is accountable for ourselves. If you need help get it. If someone else does give it. Just think about it.

Sunflowers & Sunshowers

Today is my sisters birthday. My mom's birthday is 4 days from now. There is 21 years between the three of us. I am the youngest in the family. My brother who was between my sister and me was killed 14 years ago, he was our only other sibling.

I am crazy about my family. They mean everything to me. We LOVE spending time together. Life seems to restrict that more these days since our children are grown and going in so many different directions. My sister and I practically raised our children together, she was single most of the time.

Every family has their issues. Ours is no different. But I can honestly say that since Dave died my sister and I have cherished each other and rarely said a cross word to one another. My mom and I have worked side by side in our business now for 20 years, she has been steady and consistent throughout. She is forever protecting us girls and serving us tirelessly. Sometimes so much so that she has sacrificed herself and other relationships.

One thing our family does not do is take for granted how far we have come. We talk things over. We talk things through one on one and in groups. We have come to know that when we do this we all come away with a better understanding and appreciation for one another and ourselves. At times this has been uncomfortable, but we learn to push through the discomfort and we always feel better afterwards. Unconditional love, acceptance, understanding and appreciating one anothers differences is what got us through tough times. We had to learn this over time. It did not come all at once necessarily or even naturally...I am sorry to say, or maybe not, those things worth working for always mean the most.

Taken from Like A Sunshower by Journey:
We find the sun through the rain
Caught in a sunshower
We'll be all right, no one's to blame
After the storm, we'll shine
So rare you and me disagree
Love's like a sunshower

What a Kaleidoscope IT IS!

Last week two ladies in my neighborhood dropped by my house to visit. After having spent an hour or so with them my heart was filled with compassion for Jan and Linda (not their real names). They shared the burdens and worries of their children, each have different challenges with mental illnesses.

Linda speaks with remarkable ease about her son who took his own life 5 years ago. He was diagnosed with schizo affective disorder. She is confident that her son is in a better place and she is grateful he no longer suffers as he did.

Linda's 24 year old daughter has had bulimia and now is picking at her face till she bleeds. Jan still searches for some type of answers and firm diagnosis for her 13 year old son. I see the fear in their eyes and the frustration for a system that seems to provide little help. They have so few avenues to turn to anymore.

When I hear of things like this I am sad. Mental illnesses can be a very complex issue. Certain chemicals or molecules in the brain--notably neurotransmitters--along with various enzymes or neurohormones--may be altered in their molecular structure and function. The brain, it's a beautiful, magnificent creation; as is a kaleidoscope. just twist a little and change the way you look at it and you get a little different outcome every time!

I don't consider myself a crusader for the mentally ill, but I am passionate about my feelings. There will be a movie coming out about a man who is bipolar. The movie is called ElectroBoy. While I look forward to its release, I am also nervous because often times the media sensationalizes mental illness.

Open the link if you are interested about info on Electroboy and a comment from yours truly...
Website link

Fighting the Black Dog

Winston Churchill was the one who described his depression as "The black dog." I'm not sure if these other famous people have or had ways to describe their highs and lows. I would be interested to know.

When I am looking for a metaphor to explain how I am feeling or what I am fighting I have used the expression, black dog, deep dark well or the abyss. Each to me are different.

The abyss: Cold, dark, miles away from anyone and anything; the place I care never to go again for I would rather die.

The deep dark well: Again, cold, dark, I scream, but no one can hear; I claw my way up the sheer sides and struggle to climb out on my own, and I do with a lot of fight and hostility inside.

The black dog: I see him coming around the corner but I always think I can outsmart him or I have made peace with him. Somehow quickly he sinks his teeth into me and smothers the life out of me for a time.

The black dog is with me. I hate him.

Basic Beige and A Bagel

The color beige is under rated. I also think vanilla ice cream is under rated. Where would we be without vanilla ice cream or the color beige? You need vanilla ice cream to put with apple pie. If you don't have beige to offset black you could never appreciate the contrast. The simple things can make other things so profound.

My husband and I go for a bagel every Friday morning. We have been doing this for a few years now. When the weather is warm we take Zion (our dog) with us. There is a delightful group of ladies there quite often that we enjoy laughing with. These ladies adore my husband, love my dog and I think they like me too. It makes it fun!

I guess the funny thing is I have learned when I wake up on Friday morning, pull on a basic beige t-shirt and go get a bagel...well it's the simple things in life that I look forward to.

Kel orders the same thing each time, the Tasty Turkey, chips and a coke (even if it is 8:00 a.m.). I mix it up a bit. This is my husband, consistent, I have been able to count on him to be by my side not if but when I mix life up a bit! We have been married nearly 24 years. We opened our own business together nearly 21 years ago. And life has been quite a roller coaster ride. I tried to steer the roller coaster until I realized, roller coasters were meant to ride and enjoy the ups and downs.

Kel and I talk a lot now. All the kids are gone and we are enjoying a different stage of life. We have both changed. What was important to us in our 20's has changed now that we are in our 40's. What changes? Perspective in life is BIG! So big that it's the simple things that now mean the most to me. So aside from my Friday morning bagel date here are some more simple things I Love in no particular order: My dogs at the door in the throes of excitement when I come home. A bubble bath. A good book. Singing loud. A phone call, email or text from one of my boys. A cookie. Being in the mountains. A conversation with a friend. A hug. A kiss. A tear. A smile.

Most of these simple things are tender and free, but the bagel will set ya back about $13 bucks!

It takes all Kinds of Flowers to make a Bouquet

YouTube - How I would describe Bipolar Disorder........

I found this video on YouTube. I thought it was quite unique and one way to understand how a bipolar mind works when it is unhealthy. Keep in mind that when proper medication is found some that suffer from this illness can find a healthy lifestyle.

Unfortunately it can be a very devastating disease for many. The statistics are 20% of the population have a mental illness, with 4% of those being bipolar.

My Magenta Mind...

I love the color magenta. It's bold, it's fun, it's bright, but too much, is just that, too MUCH! I am like that or at least my mind gets to be too much and it spins off its axis. Thursday night as I lay trying to sleep and my mind spun from one picture to the next, from one one-sided conversation with myself to the next, I knew I was in trouble...yet again. I HATE THIS!!! I have been here before, I will be here again, I have lived this cycle many, many times.

I got in on a cancellation with Dr. D. first thing Friday morning. He is complimentary of my ability to recognize the signs and patterns that I get into. We discuss management techniques. (We have discussed these before, but repetition never seems to hurt). I go home and spend all weekend sleeping or reading. I never cease to amaze myself that I can actually sleep 18-20 hours a day. The question still eludes me; is my mind so overworked that it needs this much sleep? Am I escaping my life and therefore just wanting to sleep? What am I feeling right now? Not much!

Actually if I really allow myself to feel I am angry; angry that no one understands this crap, angry that I live with it and I don't always understand it. I can't see it therefore it does not exist. But I feel it and the crash hurts.

My magenta mind has gone gray...

Oh My Bloomin' Boneset

Maybe you don't care about these fluffy white wildflowers; but they have been used medicinally throughout U.S. history. It was mostly used to assist the fusion of bones.

What is on my mind is how do you feel about our country? With all the political rhetoric, economic state of affairs, national safety issues and on and on ........Do we need a little boneset? Do you feel broken when you turn on the news, talk radio, or look at your investments (or dry bank account).

Wow, I am a citizen in the greatest country in the world. I have been self-employed since I was 21 years old (more than half my life now). I expect no accolades or special treatment. I do expect to be treated with respect. I feel no special entitlements are due me; just a fair chance as a small business owner. I expect the same things in my personal relationship's as well. I learned these things while attending the University of the School of Hard Knocks. I hear there is open enrollment. I have learned more there that I seem to just keep going back for one more 'medicinal' class.

What I have found after my life of schooling and self employment in the service industry is these 3 things: 1) You get respect when you give it. It is earned--over time. 2) Those who feel entitled to 'whatever it may be', never recognize who they are. They shift accountability and play the victim and martyr role (victim of course being the favorite). 3) I do see labeling and inequality going on in our world all the time. It saddens me. Whether it be because of our physical, mental, social, or spiritual likeness or lack thereof we judge!

We like people who are similar to the way we are. Now that is easy. The real challenge is accepting and loving someone who is NOT like us. That really would be the land of the free and the home of the brave...

A bloomin' boneset that fuses everyone together? Now there's a thought.

Composites Not Everyone Can See

Beaver Mountain - Utah's best kept winter secret

The largest of all flowering plant families is the Composite Family. The daisy type flowers are part of that family. Daisies are my favorite wildflowers.

If you have ever stood in a field of wildflowers or been in a crowd of people you may look to see if you can recognize that SPECIAL one, one that really stands out. Sometimes we have a language that is so powerful and bonding with someone you can just be in their presence and you understand them and they understand you. How beautiful! Likewise, sometimes amongst a crowd their are loved ones looking over. We know this and yet we want to really KNOW this!

How often we seek for signs in this life. Does he/she love me? Am I good enough? How can I survive? The signs are all around us.

We keep our heads down a lot in this life, sometimes we keep each other down. All the negativity...it's catchy. But if you Look up you might be able to see the trees in the forest. You can find angels in trees!!!

Life is better when you have an angel on your side...

Plum Tired

Are people what they really seem to be or not? I suppose for the most part I trust that people are good. But by nature we protect and cater to our own needs, wants and desires before others. Ahh, you immediately get defensive? Try to play the martyr? Don't play me for the fool! I am just as human as the rest of you!

Do I set myself up to be hurt? Is it because I love deeply that I feel this pain? This week was a hard week. I felt like I got kicked in the stomach by people I trusted. For all intents and purposes there was no reason for me to take these circumstances personal. It was not about me! People need to do what is best for them and I respect that. Sometimes the systems by which we operate are set up to be hurtful.

One thing I know I have grown to be is someone who looks at all sides, or at least I try to. It is not a perfect world. But I try to look at things from the other persons vantage point. Once I can do this, understanding and compassion usually sets in and my heart softens.

I still get tired, in fact plum tired. My mind races, I work sometimes around the clock. My life is full. Sure I get disappointed, but I then try to see the other side of things and find some rose colored glasses and go on...

How DO you get rid of Crabgrass???

I was raised in the country. It seems many people had problems with crabgrass. Was there an answer? Not really, you tried to kill it off and start over. It is the dreaded plague ewe....

When I first read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison I was convinced I was not manic depressive. Maybe more so I was scared speechless that I never could conceive I could have such a devastating illness such as THAT! I went to my first psychiatrist and convinced her of all the reasons that I could not possibly be bi-polar. She concurred. Nearly 3 years later, a nine month period in bed, a couple of high producing manic episodes and a statement in my counselors office that came out of my mouth such as, "I have been kicking butt and taking names and I just crashed", was the final realization, 'Lor, you have a problem!'

I picked up the book again after that and reread it. It was not so scary this time. My life had been scary those past few years. My mind had been quite violent. You get that way when your chemicals are out of balance. What I have come to realize and fully embrace is that it is not my fault. I am not embarrassed about it and I am not one bit ashamed to talk about it. I pity those who are and I am saddened by those who stick their heads in the sand and pretend that it does not exist. It exists all around them! Most families are just to prideful to admit it.

I take full accountability for myself and my actions. Particularly the part of taking my medication, seeing my doctors, and keeping myself knowledgeable about the illness and other mental illnesses as well. We fear what we do not know. I now understand how my brain works and there are chemicals that don't stay balanced without the help of the med's. I realize it is no different than a pancreas that does not make enough insulin to regulate blood sugar. However our brains are complicated and we need to do much more research to understand them more fully. Unfortunately those with mental illnesses stay quiet and suffer alone because of the stigma or the possible repercussions in the work place, not to mention the entire can of worms it opens with insurance.

My son Chase read Unquiet Mind just last week. This is a small portion of the letter he wrote to me following his reading the book...

...I see the similarity of the obvious things such as no sleep and accomplishing super human things when you are manic and then when you are depressed you feel hopeless and sad and wish you were dead. But interestingly I found that each of you, even though at times you wish you were dead, you never regretted being born. You made the separation. I also found it interesting that she knew life was something good and that there were things to be happy about and that the world wasn't all bad. I feel that you feel the same way. The last thing i noticed is that when both you and she are manic you get so many things going that when you drop and lose all energy and strength you are left with so much to do that you've started but can't get it finished so it places stress on you...I want to tell you how much more I've come to love you and appreciate you after reading these books. I love you and you are my hero. I can't say more about who my Mom is and that I'm Her son. Mom I love you and you are special. I thank you for your love towards me and the mother you've been. I couldn't imagine having somebody different for my mother.

My three sons have been amazingly loving and respectful towards me. My husband has been long suffering and patient. They have all suffered along with me. We now enjoy a quite normal life because we do understand this illness.

How do you get rid of this illness? You don't! You manage it! It can be managed just fine in many cases and you can enjoy the green grass...or you can pretend there is nothing wrong,blame it on everybody else, swing from high to low, make your family miserable and just be an all out crab. You choose.

Teal We SISTERs Loose our ever living MINDS

This pic is of my special niece McKenna. She is looking for crickets at her Grandma's house (my sister). I do not know what is going on, truly I don't, but she now has a cricket! I received this email from my sister just a few days ago...

Good Morning Sis and BEST FRIEND!

Just checking if you brought your cricket over lasterday (McKenna's word)? Just as I was falling asleep (on my med's) I heard a cricket in my bedroom?! I swear I'm not making this shit up! I thought, as I was going in to my state of delirium...I have been around Lori a lot and maybe I am having sympathy for her trauma with the cricket.....well about 4 hrs later when I awoke to use the bathroom, I realized I was really being invaded by a cricket?! This made me laugh (great in the middle of the night). Took another pill covered my head and eventually dozed off again! I can't find the damn thing this morning....been up since 6?! Any suggestions for tonight?

Here is my response back...

IF you do have a cricket in your upstairs bedroom…there is a message! I not quite sure what but just maybe it’s DAVE bugging the hell out of us like he always has...

This little saga continues the next night...

McKenna came to help Grandma get thru her first night (she had some outpatient surgery), and the damn cricket was back again?! So she got out the magnifying glass. Never heard from the cricket except one time in the night! If you need to obtain her for PEST control....she is relatively cheap (just a little demanding)!

Just so you know, our house has been cricket free for two weeks, my sister got a small taste of a cricketful night.

Was my brother trying to send a message from heaven? Is he laughing and saying, "Whoa, these two blondes don't get a message even if it's clicking in their ears all night long!"

We 3 sibling were a crazy bunch. It has been confirmed. Unteal the SISTERs join you my sweet brother in the teal blue heavens, please no more crickets.

Forget-me-Not

Love is a funny thing. It grows, it changes. It sometimes turns out to be not what you really expected it to be. The expectations we have at 14 are not the same as what we have when we are 24, 34 or 44. Nor do I believe my expectations will stay the same at 55, 65, or 75. Life changes and we change, or so we hope we do. We grow up and we grow along. We grow along with life.

I believe in being happy. I believe that happiness is a choice. If you are in a relationship with someone I believe you have a responsibility to contribute to the well being of that person and the happiness of that person, otherwise why be in the relationship? The question is so much deeper than, "What is in this for me?" "Are my needs being met?" It really becomes a questions of, "How can the world be a better place by our having found each other?"

Don't you want people to say after you leave them. "I like myself better after having been with her or him!" Don't you think happy people are more effective people. How about people who are in love? Don't you think they are happier?

Beautiful relationships take courage, they challenge us to be. When love is there we must meet it with back bone, and when we do we change yet again. Finding ourselves and then finding one another is like going home. But now the yard is filled with beautiful Forget-Me-Not wildflowers...and believe me the colors are beautiful!

Midnight Blues with the Crickets

We have issues. They are getting to be serious. We have crickets living amongst us. Yes INSIDE our house!

Night #1: Kelly (my husband) and I suffer through. I am wondering now where our minds were? Were we expecting the other to get rid of the cricket? Did we think the cricket was going to crawl, jump, or walk out on his own, saying "I'm bustin' this place, these people are weird!" No way, this bugger is right under my side of the bed. I have the better hearing of the two of us. Kell has gotten up once during the night and looked for it in the family room. I shake my head and wonder again when he is going to break down and get that bell-tone hearing aide?

Night #2: Cricket starts whacking his little legs together making that perfect clicking sound. I stick my iPod in and sleep, somehow with a cacophony of instruments and voices and a cricket. Isn't this dangerous for a bi-polar person? I am a little on the "high" side right now. Don't want to be pulling any schizophrenic stuff now do we?? Too many sounds going on directly piped into my ear all night long may not be so good. Hummm.

Night #3: Dragging in from work at 10:30 at night. Proud husband proclaims, "I've got the cricket!" I am thinking oh thank goodness, this body mind and soul has got to have sleep! I am greeted by the pile of goodies that has been living under our bed conveniently with broom and dustpan nearby. Well, OK he must have been too tired to finish up the job! I'll just git her done. Lights out. Mr. cricket is baack. IPod in. YOU try to catch the SOB!! Believe me I have been up plenty of times sneaking around in the dark. I have decent hearing, I definitely know the vicinity where he is. I look like a thief in her underwear sneaking up on her next victim!! Hunch backed, tip-toeing and all... Oh, the cricket is in the garbage can where I swept up the goodies from under the bed. Guess Kell hadn't really got the cricket after all, well kinda, he got it into the pile! I take it to the outside dumpster. Peace for the rest of the night.

Night #4: There's one in the closet! No shizzz! I pull back the clothes in my closet quickly, as if to take it by surprise. Nothing there. No help from Mr. passed-out-in- bed over there. Can't find it. Grab my pillows and go up to Chase's room to sleep.

Night #5: Kelly has done laundry during the day, thinking Mr. cricket is in the laundry. Not a chance in hell. He is in full kicking gear in the closet as lights are out. Kell is lights out as well. Dozer has had an especially exhausting day because he is snoring up a storm. I'm outta here. I'm upstairs now, can't sleep. IPod in, hoping to wind down. It is now 4:30, I'm hungry, as I leave Chase's bedroom to my absolute horror I slowly tip toe down the stairs and into the kitchen...left side of the sink another CRICKET!!!!!

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. WE NEED HELP IN THIS HOUSE!!!

Gold, Silver or Bronze?

The Olympics have begun! It is official, everyone loves them, talks about them and watches them. Except for me! Don't get me wrong I love them, it's un-American not to love the Olympics. Support your country. Support your team. I do, I do. I watched some of the opening ceremonies. Oh my goodness, that birds nest thing, Very cool!

Here is the thing, I just got out of the habit of watching TV several years ago. Negative association. Two reasons. Let me explain. While detoxing off of morphine (6 years ago) I lie in bed and watched country music videos while this nasty drug was exiting my body. You don't feel so good. The world is spinning, you get the shakes, you want to die, get the picture? And then I chose to watch sappy, depressing, albeit great story lined country music videos. Never have I before, never again. (Watched country music videos or taken morphine).

Reason number two. It is impossible to watch any program with my husband. He is pretty much like most men. He is a clicker. If you ask him what he watches, he says "everything." Drives me NUTS. Inevitably IF I am watching something while in the room with him just as it has caught my attention, CLICK, it's gone... and so am I.

So the only Gold, Silver or Bronze that I probably will be talking about is in my make-up palette.

Blue Storms Rolling In

I have 3 sons. I passionately love them all. They are all unique in their own way. I love each of them equally, yet differently because THEY are different. Intuitively we learn to treat people differently because they are different. A unique and special relationship and bond is formed when we understand and honor this.

My youngest son, Tandin moved to college this weekend. He is a Utah State Aggie now and soon he will be bleeding blue. He is an avid sports fan. He sits in his new dorm, head reeling with questions as to what this experience will be like. His friends were everything to him. He went to college alone. This was something that showed strength and character at 18 years old when he did have another choice. Guaranteed there will be storms of many kinds where he has chosen to spend the next 4 years of his life. Logan Utah gets cold. I believe he will experience emotional, mental, spiritual and physical storms as well. He is strong no doubt and he will be a success. Reaching out to others for help is part of that success.

My middle son Chase is in Florida, Brandon Florida to be exact. There is a tropical storm called Fay which is projected to be a possible Hurricane by tomorrow morning. Chase tells me it is supposed to hit Brandon. He seems quite excited. He tells me that the missionaries get pretty jazzed about doing service work after the Hurricanes. I guess this is not so devastating for the missionaries, they do not make their permanent homes in Florida. Interesting how the misfortunate storms for some can be a field of harvest for another.

Chase has had some blues in the mission field. Nothing I can think of that can cure the blues than to help others through a storm...Chase is strong, no doubt he will be a success too!

TJ, my oldest son, what can I say? Survivor to thriver! He is simply amazing. He has survived more storms than most in his 27 years than most people will their whole life. He has turned his life around in a matter of two years and is an absolute delight to be in the presence of. The storms are what made him who he is.

We learn things from the blues that we could not otherwise, and remember there is always sunshine after the storms...

Shadowland of Gray

I believe life comes full circle. Look for the parallels as to who we are, what we are here to learn and everything around us and you will find them. Look for the meaning in the shadows. Everything is not meant to be so obvious.

Does love mean never having to say you're sorry? I doubt that! Ali McGraw, you were wrong! Love hurts. And the circles go round and round. We make choices and we live with them. Sometimes we can change them, sometimes we cannot. How often we find this true in life. We fear love so much when it is there for the taking, then when it is stolen from us we have so many regrets. Youthful love, raising children, aging parents, death. Why love if losing hurts so much?

I believe C.S. Lewis said it best when he said, "the pain now is part of the happiness, that's the deal. " He said this after losing his wife to cancer. He had closed his heart to any kind of true intimacy with anyone until his wife was struck with cancer. Why is it that often times it takes some kind of tragedy to really become vulnerable and love openly?

Peanut Butter & Red Jam Toast

I have toast almost every day. I used to eat cookies...EVERY DAY. I love them still, however my body did not so much. So peanut butter and red raspberry simply fruit on a piece of wheat toast has become the filler. Sometimes second choice is actually better for us.

Sometimes we make compromises in life. At least if we grow up we learn we have to. Toast is not so bad, at least it's not something like, rice cakes...OH! I actually have learned to like those too!!

Put a diet coke along my side and I'm a pretty happy girl. It's the simple things in life that toast my campfire smore's. There were many who thought I would never camp too! Never prejudge!

So if you find your nose in a jam, don't sweat the small stuff! And almost everything is small stuff!!!

Black Days Gone Bye

Some friends will be friends forever because of the things we experience together. Glenn and Kathy are these kind of friends. They used to live two doors down, now they live in Texas. We saw them tonight and reminisced about old times--good and bad. Glenn and I were both diagnosed with manic depressive illness while we lived in the same neighborhood. His illness did not manifest itself until his early 40's. Mine on the other hand was something I have shown signs of since I was a teenager but unfortunately not diagnosed until I was 39.

This illness, as does all the mental illnesses, have many different faces, and no one remains more responsible for their individual health than the sufferer themselves. Seems strange to say that because mentally ill individuals have been depicted as incompetent to think and care for themselves. I beg to differ! Most mental illnesses, if given proper medication to balance out the brain chemistry, (which in and of itself is a challenge), can lead normal, happy and productive lives. Knowledge of the illness and self management techniques for a healthy lifestyle in understanding triggers that could exacerbate the illness rests upon first, the person with the disease, and then the family.

I remember Glenn's "high" days, (if you're bi-polar you get sick of the word MANIC). Wow, if I was 'up' too we could talk a blue streak. Business was always a favorite topic of ours. If anyone else happened to be in the room, or on the golf course with us, I'm not so sure we even paid much attention to them. We always enjoyed each others company, lively animation and ideas.

One thing you learn in a non-medicated bi-polar persons world...What goes UP must come DOWN! The main reason many who have this illness do not take med's is because they miss the high, the periods of extreme energy, productivity, creativity! Ya, well, at what and whose expense? This illness affects not just the person that has it but everyone who loves that person! It is also amazing to me how people can be embarrassed about taking a couple of pills that will help them be easier to live with, yet not think anything when they have self induced diabetes and have to take insulin to regulate their blood sugar. Interesting how our perspectives might need a little adjustment?

I had long periods of black days in my late 30's. Winters were always particularly hard. I was always searching for an answer to make this black feeling go away. I had been on different anti-depressants off and on for 10 years. I never stuck with them because ultimately the black feeling always lingered.

I tried the natural vitamin/amino acid health regimen, chiropractic, meditation tapes, acupuncture, diet and exercise, prayer, regular counseling, over achieving, and so on until I was defeated and had retreated to my bed. It was customary since I was 16 to have bouts of depressive days that I did not want to get out of bed but by 39 I actually spent a 9 month period in bed. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder shortly after that.

As we had dinner with Glenn and Kathy they reminded me of a time when my world had completely gone black, but somehow I had reached out enough to find myself at their doorstep. Glenn had said that as he open the door I had collapsed in his arms and the conversation that ensued in their home afterwards was nothing but bleak. All hope and feeling for anything had gone. Glenn could do nothing but relate, he had been there. Fortunately those Black Days have Gone BYE...we understand ourselves more fully.

Should anyone suffer from any kind of mental illness, be it depression, anxiety disorder, obsessive/compulsive, stress, grief, there are so many things that can detract from the beauty in our lives; I assure you there are ways out of the abyss. Never, ever give up hope, there were many times I begged to die.

Reach out to someone, I did and I was the better for it!

Growing up Without Red Ties

Red is a power color. To show power, confidence and strength men are encouraged to wear the red power tie. Growing up for my niece's and nephew's there was an absence of red. Death took my brother when his daughter was 12, his son was 8. Divorce left my sister and her 4 children on their own as well.

How many American families have little or no male leadership in the home? How much effect does that have on children? I believe if you sat down and talked to my 2 niece's and 4 nephew's they would say a great deal. They did not have a say in this matter. Their mother's did an incredible job in raising their children. They are absolutely amazing women, nurturing and strong.

When we face opposition in life we have two choices, we can let it defeat us and we become the victims of bad circumstances or we can rise above the challenges and make something of our lives.

As we all spent the weekend together in Lava Hot Springs we laughed, talked and discussed many issues of life. I realized how far these kids have come. Each one a success in their own right. Two beautiful mothers. Two incredible fathers. Four college graduates. One PhD. Five with incredible partners that have beautiful relationships. The youngest in business for himself. Two recovering addicts and the list goes on.

Some families tout only what is popular or what seems to make them look good. Our family on the other hand has not always looked good. We have had our share of scandal. So What! We got used to it and we became better for it. We learned to hold our heads up high amongst the talk rather than to try to hide it. Teenage pregnancy, divorce, drug addiction, mental illness, untimely death, we found no shame in any of these challenges of life.

Children can learn from their parent's mistakes. Parents can learn from their children's mistakes. Life really does come full circle. You may include grandparents in those mistakes as well. Living and learning is continual. We sometimes immortalize our elders, they are just as human as we are, hopefully and oftentimes wiser for having lived more.

Sometimes the things we lack growing up we will find when we dare lean on those we love. Blood runs deep. When we put away our judgments and love freely Red Ties can be interwoven and create a bond that is everlasting. Reaching out is actually easier than it seems. There may have not been the traditional power ties in our family, but blood ties are there and flowing strong. My heart sang as I watched all my kids (I consider all of them my kids) floating down the river tied together, reaching out for one another in love, trust and happiness. This is the way it should be. Red Ties.

A Journey thru Weed

My son TJ took us to the Journey concert as a Father's Day gift to his dad. As we were waiting for the band to start TJ said "Oh, can you smell the weed?" I get frightened. They call them triggers in the drug world. He liked weed. He has been clean for 2 years 7 months and 12 days now. His drug problem spanned 7 years starting at 17 years old and took on the usual high school smoking, drinking, weed, then after high school advanced to abusing prescription medication including oxycontin. Once he got to that stage he was basically toast. Trying to get off became his personal hell.

The dichotomy of the whole scenario was while I was detoxing from morphine, a drug I had abused, he was getting high in our basement on narcotics all at the same time. How scary is this situation? Mom so oblivious in her own pitiful world while her own son is getting in deeper than she is, into a world most never recover from.

More than a year after my detox he finally confided in me and told me where he had been. He had chosen methadone as his method of "getting off" the drugs and was going to a "clinic." He explained to me the concept of methadone and because of the limited knowledge that both of us had at the time, and TJ's desperation I was supportive. He had failed trying to get off the narcotics so many times on his own, so methadone seemed to be a good solution. Needless to say methadone was a disaster, he became reclusive, lost weight and addicted to methadone, which is more difficult to detox from than the other narcotics he was taking.

In desperation to quickly cut down on the amount of methadone he was taking he found weed to help the withdrawals! Oh the vicious circle was beginning again.

The deal between us was that he tell me everything. He had started using cocaine. I knew we were in serious trouble and it was happening fast and I was afraid for my child's life. He was mixing so many drugs at one time I was frightened as to whether or not he would wake up in the morning. I cried constantly and begged the Lord to keep him safe till something broke. It did. He called one Saturday and said "Mom, I'm really bad, I don't know what I have taken, but it is really bad and I can't take it anymore".

We all have our breaking points. We reach the bottom and there is no where to go but up. TJ's detox was wicked. I did not leave his side for 2 weeks. He was brave. He was sick. He was sad, but he persevered. He lacked faith many times, but his entire family had a faith in him that picked him up when he did not have enough of his own.

He is a miracle in his own right for turning his life around as he has. To see him today and what he has made out of his life is simply amazing. He reaches out and helps others who face addiction. He gets it.

He now JOURNEYs on his own, WEED FREE AND HAPPY!

Blazing Star

The Blazing Star is a purple wildflower. I like purple, it is a flashy color. My dad is a flashy guy. He is 70 years old today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! He has been a hard worker all his life. He started out a dairy farmer, sold the cows a few years ago, subdivided some of the property and turned what was left into Allen Horseplay Stables and Arena. I like my dad, doesn't everyone like their dad? Well, maybe not.

Here are some of the reasons my dad is awesome... He is strong. We as a family look to him as a pillar of strength. He stands 6'3" and when he shakes your hand or you wrap your arms around him, or better yet you get to sit in his lap (I still do that sometimes) you feel safe.

He is fun. We laugh and we laugh a lot. He giggles at the stupid things we do. He accepts all of his family for who they are. Sometimes that hasn't always seemed the case, but as I have gotten closer to him I have realized how true that is.

He is gregarious. Moving into a close knit farm community back in the 40's was not easy, you were the outsider. Dad persevered, as a teenager he would take care of the farm and still find time for socializing too, even if sleep had to suffer. He is still a socializer, even if he is on the road he is known to pick up a hitch hiker just so he can have a nice chat with someone.

He is a great example. Dad has great parents as examples as well. My grandparents are still alive Glenna Allen, 91 and LeRoy Allen, 93 are the epitome of what great people are.

He is stalwart. If Dad makes up his mind there is NO stopping him. He decides to change a dairy farm into a horse stable and arena with his own bare hands, he does it. Enough said.

He is lovable. To know him is to love him.

My dad and the Blazing Star wildflower have many things in common. They are both tall and showy. They always return after each hard season expanding bigger and broader, and more of their seeds begin to spread and grow. Neither species is endangered nor edible.

As I look back on my life I have had one constant Blazing Star, my DAD.

Meadow of Wildflowers

Yesterday I hiked 14 miles. The payoff??? A very personal and spectacular view of a meadow. The meadow looked very much like the picture in my mind. The trail was quite thick with little warning that this meadow was suddenly going to break open with its beauty and grandeur surrounded by snow capped mountains and dotted with wildflowers.

There are over 20,000 species of flowering plants in North America, belonging to about 300 different families. Those that grow in the wild or on their own, without cultivation, are called wildflowers. I did not count how many different kinds of wildflowers I saw, but I delighted in each one. I would love to make a very special bouquet of wildflowers, but it is against the law to pick wildflowers, they are too precious. Wildflowers are my favorite flowers, especially a daisy.

This is a very personal song to me called Wildflower by Skylark.

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine,
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears,
and her sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence,
in her ears...

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

And if by chance, I should hold her,
Let me hold her for a time;
But if allowed just one possession,
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine.

Be careful how you touch her, for she will waken;
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows.
And when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe;
The way she's always payin' for a debt she never owed,
and the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear,
And so, she goes.

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild

Wildflowers are equipped to grow on their own in nature. And so it goes in life that we too find out we are equipped to grow on our own in life. As hard as a 14 mile hike may be for someone who does not do that kind of thing (like me) you sacrifice for what you love and you stand alone in the middle of the weeds always hoping to be better prepared next time. If you are watching there are unique and beautiful wildflowers always surrounding you as well.

If there ever is a next time...sometimes you get the chance, sometimes you don't.

I fought back many tears while on this hike, as I have many times in my life.

Sleep sometimes is my only freedom.

Orange Horizons

I returned yesterday from Vegas. I spent 5 days with my mother and sister. We have not been on a trip together for 13 years. Much has happened in our family during this time particularly a lot of healing. My brother was killed 14 years ago yesterday. Our family learned many lessons about life from death. Acceptance, unconditional love, humility, patience, submissiveness. Not that we don't have our faults, ego trips, disagreements and childish acts, because we do! And we laugh in spite of ourselves.

I have learned that sometimes it is important to get over yourself. We do have a tendency to make things bigger than they are. Truth is, most things are just 'small stuff'. We often times make a big deal out of things when it just is not necessary. Life is perspective. When you lose someone you love life's perspective changes. Things have little value. The simple experiences becomes more meaningful. Relationships become paramount.

As we drove to and from Salt Lake to Vegas we not only talked of intimate things and feelings in our lives, we really related and understood as women. It was a priceless experience for all of us.

I have no doubt that each time we see the beautiful orange horizons as we drive through the canyons between St. George and Vegas we will feel a great circle of a celestial sphere whose plane passes through the center of the earth and is parallel to another orange horizon.